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  1. #221
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    Yes, I'm still with him. Why? I don't feel I have the power to get out of this situation...yet. Our eldest child is also a Special Needs child and I am overwhelmed by the thought of going it alone. I feel very 'detached' from my husband. I am currently pregnant again. I told him flatly that I would not terminate this time. He promised to have a vasectomy 2.5 years ago and still hasn't.

    I have never felt the same sense of being completely unable to do ANYTHING AT ALL to right a mistake, that I do in regard to my abortion. There is not a single thing, nothing that can undo or right what was done.

    Good luck.

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  3. #222
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    20 years ago I was in your position. I did what my partner wanted. Our relationship ended a couple of years later. I never got passed it or forgave him. My baby would be turning 20 next year. I still live with this regret. It's your decision obviously but from another person who has been in your position my advise is if you want the baby then keep it, if you do this for your husband your relationship will never be the same.

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  5. #223
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    Quote Originally Posted by Witchypoo View Post
    Yes, I'm still with him. Why? I don't feel I have the power to get out of this situation...yet. Our eldest child is also a Special Needs child and I am overwhelmed by the thought of going it alone. I feel very 'detached' from my husband. I am currently pregnant again. I told him flatly that I would not terminate this time. He promised to have a vasectomy 2.5 years ago and still hasn't.

    I have never felt the same sense of being completely unable to do ANYTHING AT ALL to right a mistake, that I do in regard to my abortion. There is not a single thing, nothing that can undo or right what was done.

    Good luck.
    Your story breaks my heart (I have read your blog). I was hoping you'd reply to the OP.

    We had a surprise baby nearly a year ago and if my husband had insisted I terminate I don't know what I would have done. When you already have kids together walking out with kids and another on the way takes a f--king lot of courage.

    Sorry not sure what I'm trying to say except I get what you're saying.

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  7. #224
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    Quote Originally Posted by Leisylou View Post
    Darling brimm,

    You poor thing, I can't imagine what you are going through at this point in time, it must feel like life is completely out of control and you just don't know when the madness is going to end... Not sure if I can offer any advice at all, but I wanted to reach out...

    The first thing that comes to mind is that you are still in massive grief from the loss of your beloved Mum. That is a huge thing to go through and your emotions are going to be tender for a long time. My DH lost his Mum at age 28 and said it was a full year before he felt anything close to being OK - the first year after that type of tragedy is a write-off, so for so many other things to go wrong, it is normal to have a lot of overwhelming emotions. If you can find a lovely counselor to work with you on this, it can make the world of difference to have an objective champion to support you unconditionally as you heal.

    As you've experienced, life certainly doesn't go to plan, and trying to control life, just doesn't work. It's how we react to the circumstances of life that shows our true character, and working through issues to make the best of them is what gives our lives richness and texture. If all went to plan, where would be the satisfaction of saying 'wow, we did that'. Your husband sounds like he is scared to lose control of his plan - and that can sometimes come from a deep insecurity about life itself. Regardless of your decision, he really needs to work on his own issues to find out why he feels he has to control his life and live to a plan, and why he feels he has the right to control you. Nobody has that right and I think he has shown some very abusive and dangerous characteristics, which need to be nipped in the bud if you do end up staying together.

    As for creating financial freedom, that is an awesome goal to have, but it has no comparison to a life filled with the love of family. If you guys are into investment properties at this young age, you will find a way to keep developing in that area whether you have a family or not. You don't just lose the knowledge and desire you have now and give up. It just might take a little more time, or a little more resourcefullness to get there. That's the fun of it! I bought my first investment property when I was 21 and my 1st husband and I built up a nice portfolio of eight properties - and then we divorced and I lost everything. So there are no guarantees in life. The knowledge I had about property though, didn't go to waste, now that I'm with my awesome DH, we've bought five properties in one year and are powering ahead together - life is what you make it.

    I believe as Phony said above, that this little life is a miracle, and quite possibly a gift from your Mum. A life-affirming bundle of joy that has been sent to heal you and give you the most amazing love in return. Although I have no judgement, my personal belief is in abortion in more extreme circumstances, rather than 'it just doesn't fit the life plan'.

    Your husband is having a massive over-reaction and you need to gather your strength and do what is right for you and for the baby. Nothing else matters right now. Not what your Dad's done, not the money in the properties, not your husband's bullying tactics. This is about you and the rest of your life. You sound like a smart, strong, loving woman who's had the **** kicked out of her over the past year. You will overcome this. One day at a time, one small decision at a time, but please, please, please, don't let him make this decision for you.

    Much love, and PM if you need to,
    xxxxx

    This lovely lady says it all. I'm truly sorry that life has been testing you so hard. I wish you all the best on whatever journey you take. Your husbands true colours have really been on show. That's what stands out, granted its immense pressure, but still, life does that, and as this wise women says, it's these moments that reveal true character. You seem to have a lot to give from what I can pick up reading your writing. And you matter, your feelings, your opinion, your decision your rights they all matter. Your husband is a fool to say the least. My heart goes out to you xxxx

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  9. #225
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    Quote Originally Posted by BigSurprise View Post
    Brimm, from a financial perspective, if you are a permanent teacher in a public school, and have been since the beginning of the year, you should be entitled to maternity leave. Not sure which state you're in, but in Queensland it's 14 weeks at your usual salary, which you can also take at half pay (28 weeks). Again, not sure if this is the same across the country, but we also get paid our full rate for school holidays, which get added to our leave (as we are entitled to them as a condition of employment). I am a teacher as well, and go on mat leave next week. Between maternity leave, some long service leave, and the paid parental leave, I'll have 13 months off, half at half pay, the other half at full pay. Do your sums if finances are really what's holding you back.

    From an emotional perspective, our son is the biggest blessing in our lives. I suffered a severe and very unexpected mental illness soon after he was born, and he was my biggest comfort. Being a parent is not easy, but sometimes, when you feel so broken with pain and grief, that little person is proof that there is good in your world, and you get to hold it in your arms. No investment property or BMW will ever make you that happy.

    Parenting isn't easy, and it will definitely test your relationship. I am so incredibly grateful that my husband is not only a fun, patient and kind parent, but also an incredibly supportive husband who has always had my well being at heart. A lesser man would have walked away when things got hard, but he has held my hand every step of the way.

    I'm not sure if my story will help, but I just hope that whatever choice you make, you put your, and your baby's best interests first. Babies don't need much, and you'll be amazed at just how quickly you get back on your feet financially if you commit to a budget and some wise spending. All the best xxx
    similar in SA for maternity leave for teachers, but we are entitled to 18 weeks (20 if you've been working for them for 5 years or more) which can also be taken at half pay, and it doesn't count school holidays (which are paid at whatever rate you got throughout the term, just not counted in the 20 weeks), so you can essentially get 6 months at full pay once you include school holidays. Then if the government pass this 26 week paid parental leave, that's a full year at full pay (but i think your baby has to be born after july for that to work.)

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  11. #226
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    @brimm I have been reading all of this and I am sorry that it has been so horrible for you. I think though you have to look deep within yourself, assess your marriage and find what you can be happy with and live with. At the end of the day you are going to be the one who has to live with your choice and you are on a forum who are having/want to have babies so their view might be obscured. I wish you all the best and hope that you make the best choice for you .

  12. #227
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    @brimm

    I just read this whole thread and just wanted to offer some support, support that seems to be lacking from people who are meant to love and care for you ( husband father and sister) the one person who, from reading your posts that would have stood in YOUR corner, your mother, has died. I'm so sorry. I imagine you feel alone and ganged up on.

    There has been mountains of wise advice from wise woman, I can only join in to encourage you to never be bullied into terminating a baby.

    Sometimes things happen for a reason, sometimes life sends you a big red flag, I don't know if your baby is viable and what the outcome will be there, but I would be thinking very hard about the people in your life that have let you down. I feel you will stay with your husband because you don't want to loose more but I really feel in years to come you will look back at this time and be very sorry you didn't recognise your cue to leave.

    You are 24 years old with a degree and a good job, you don't have to settle for any less than you deserve!!! Consider what you deserve .....

    Sending a huge mum hug, I have a son your age, while he is never going to be going through exactly what you are it does pain me to imagine he ever may feel as lonely and sad as you are and I wasn't there. That breaks me, so sending the love and hugs I know your mother would have xxxxxxxxxx

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  14. #228
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    Big hugs to you for your situation. To me your husband sounds very, very scared. It sounds like you two have been through a lot together and have grown closer by making plans for your future life and family. I can really understand how he would freak out and not want to change these plans, especially if they are rooted in the fact that he doesn't want to repeat the circumstances of his childhood. I have a DH who has said things to me that were awful and hard to forgive, but I know that it was because he was hurting and scared but that he is a good man and sometimes needs help to be his best self - just like I do, sometimes.

    I think it's a good sign that he's willing to go with you to appointments etc, even if he's still asking for a termination. I agree with others that if you have a termination against your will you may never forgive him. But on the other hand, if he disappeared tomorrow would you still want this baby? If you knew you had to go it alone?

    It sounds like you are doing all the right things to figure out how to make a family in your situation. I'm curious as to why he wants you to be a stay at home mom? It is totally possible to work and parent, full time or part time. I personally think it helps you hold on to your identity and independence and sets a good example for kids to see their mom working outside the home. As you've found, you're probably entitled to maternity leave and govt assistance. Maybe it would help your DH to see a counsellor for his fears and for you both to see a financial counsellor to get a good picture of your situation with a baby.

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  16. #229
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    Thank you everyone for once again your on going support and wisdom. It really is nice to speak to people who have either been through similar positions or just understand how it would feel. I've received some incredible private messages and thank you to those who have taken the time to reach out to me. I went into last week so scared and afraid of everything that was occurring, I now feel like I have the strength to take control of my own life.

    I spoke with my husband last night after finishing work, I told him that I've decided to do the counselling session on Monday then attend my GP to discuss getting further blood tests done for my HCG levels and booking in for another U/S. I said I felt like we needed to get a clearer understanding of exactly how this pregnancy was going before making any decisions, after all there is ALOT that can happen. He was a little hesitant and I explained that for my piece of mind I felt I needed to know if this pregnancy was or wasn't viable and if I have perhaps already had a miscarriage. He explained he doubted it from the appointment we just had, but he agreed to allow me to do so.

    He hasn't screamed at me the last few days but he has tried to bribe me though! I much prefer the bribing than the screaming as I just take it in good humour and laugh it off. But as I said a while ago in this post, i'd rather have a healthy baby than all the riches in the world (though I wouldn't mind both!)

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  18. #230
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    just sending you some virtual hugs x


 

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