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  1. #101
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    I'm so sorry you are in this situation. How horrible for you to have to decide between them (even if he does seem like a total *** to us)

    I hope you can work through this with him and that he comes around and can see how much he has been hurting you.

    Good luck

  2. #102
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    Quote Originally Posted by Pearlygirl View Post
    Sorry but why is your sister saying your expensive tastes = you shouldn't have a baby? Change your tastes! You don't HAVE to spend $1000 on a cot. Who cares how much the pram costs? Or how fancy the nursery is? Having fancy tastes should never be the deciding factor on whether or not to have a baby that has already been conceived, this seems so strange to me.

    I have a friend that thinks like this and I honestly just don't get it - I agree with a PP, your husband will probably always have some reason not to have a baby, honestly there is never a good time, if everyone could have their kids in their 60's once their all set up and had their careers that would be great! But its not reality.

    Stop being distracted by fancy cars and houses and holidays and think about what you really want in your life. You are the one that will be most affected by whatever choice you make - so make sure the decision is yours and yours alone.
    Placing great value on materialistic goals is not my value system either, but that does not make someone else's feelings towards those things being important any less valid. If the OP does hold those values then it is her right to. If material wants will be a factor in helping her to make a decision, then that's OK. It's not up to you or I to understand, or worse yet to deem them to not be valid reasons.

    At the end if the day, it is her choice. Yes, she should look into herself to find peace that the choice she makes will lead towards obtaining what her heart wants. However if she has genuine feelings towards the importance of material possessions then it is up to her to decide how that weighs into her decision. Not up to us to tell her that her values are wrong.

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  4. #103
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    (Text deleted by Moderator)

    I, along with most pp think that the OP should have a very good think about whether she wants to spend her life with a man who is clearly very selfish and abusive, but guys, it's not easy for everyone to just chuck in their marriage. It can (and usually is) a very very scary thing. I was unhappy in my previous marriage for quite a few years before I actually left, and I'm quite a strong willed person! I was so determined to make it work. It can feel embarrassing, make you feel like you've 'failed', be incredibly scary wondering how you're going to cope on your own - financially and emotionally and that's WITHOUT thinking about being a first time single mum. It doesn't mean leaving wouldn't be the best thing for her - but being unable to understand why she wouldn't just tell her Husband to take a hike is not very empathetic - you're not her.

    The OP did not state that SHE wanted all those material things - she said they were her husbands plans. I agree that her husband seems to care only about himself, but I don't think the OP needs to be judged, told she's materialistic and a baby would be 'better off without her'. I think that's rather unfair.

    OP - I hope people's comments (including mine) have not upset you too much -most people truly are trying to help because they feel upset and angry on your behalf about the treatment you are being put through. I think you already know your husband is not being a good husband - that doesn't mean your decisions are any easier to make. It's easy for people to say what they would absolutely do in your position, but no-one knows what they would do in YOUR position. Not even if they've been in a *similar* position themselves. They don't have YOUR life, YOUR emotions, YOUR background story. Forums are great for getting lots of different opinions and help - but they're also known for people 'jumping on the bandwagon' and passing major judgement on people they don't even know. (Trust me, you should belong to a dog or chicken forum, that's even worse ) I really hope you can find the strength to do what is best for you, I would hate to be in your position.
    Last edited by Mod-Uniquey; 29-05-2014 at 18:26. Reason: ref to deleted thread

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  6. #104
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    (Text deleted by Moderator)

    I came here because of the two minds I am in. My fear is more so not material positions but being able to properly support a new born baby. I only want to do what is best for my children and I fear I will bringing this baby into a world of stress and sadness. Honestly, I hope these investment properties just get sorted soon as us living pay cheque by pay cheque is no life to live.
    I just worry I guess....apparently a common trait in most pregnant woman :P
    Last edited by Mod-Uniquey; 29-05-2014 at 18:30. Reason: Ref to deleted post

  7. #105
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    Quote Originally Posted by brimm View Post
    As I told my husband, I don't care where we live or anything like that as long as I have a happy healthy family. To me to have a healthy baby...well the rest doesn't matter.

    I think in life things occur that shift your perception on life and on how you view the world. Losing my mum has certainly done that.
    Dear Brimm,

    Thanks for reading and I really do appreciate the position you are in - and I just want to say that I think it has hit a nerve for me, which is why I have such strong opinions here.

    My first marriage broke down when I was about 32 years old - I wanted a family& my husband who had always said he wanted children, just 'later', was still not interested. He was a big kid himself and I knew if I had children with him, I would have to work full time and not be the Mum I wanted to be. It was a heart-breaking decision but in the end I left - after twelve months of counseling and it was the hardest thing I ever did in my life. But I wanted a family. I lost all my investment properties in the divorce and had to start again from scratch.

    My next partner was someone I had been friends with for ten years. He said he wanted five children when we got together and we agreed that once we'd been together for about a year and if things were all good, we would start a family. The only thing was that this man had Narcissistic Personality Disorder and was the most horrendous bully that I have ever met. I didn't realise it at first, it was subtle and insidious, but he completely lied about wanting to have children so that I would enter into a relationship with him.

    After the first year things seemed really good, so we talked about a family. And he said 'let's leave it six months, at that time I'll be more financial, in a better position etc etc'. I believed him. He was so sincere and so convincing. When this happened a second, and then a third time, I started to realise that something was wrong. Things were deteriorating, he wanted to control every aspect of my life and my self-esteem was eroded. I was actually terrified of him. I eventually managed to drag him to counselling where he said that his financial plan meant that we couldn't start a family for five years. I was 38 years old. The counsellor said "You do know that Leisylou doesn't have five years" and he basically said bad luck. He never had any intention of having children, it was all a lie. That was the kicker to finally get me to leave and I had the whole threatening suicide drama etc to deal with, but it was the best thing I ever did.

    I met my current DH when I turned 40 and he has been the most amazing blessing in my life and I know that I have learned my lessons properly because he is the most loving, kind, generous, supportive man I can every imgaine. When we realised that this was it, we started trying for a family (he already has two boys). Unfortunately to date we've had three miscarriages, and now at my age (43) things are not looking that great.

    So the reason for all of this, is that I had my fertility and my potential family stolen by a controlling man. He took the years of 35 - 39 from me and yes, I participated in that and allowed it, but my big mistake was loving someone and believing their lies. For a man to take the opportunity of having children away from a woman, I believe is the height of evil.

    Even though I have a fantasic life, a career I love, a lot of success, a big investment portfolio, overseas travel, a loving relationship - I have a shadow of grief over me that will last a lifetime. I hope that something in my story resonates and is just a little message to be aware. That's all, just be aware of the consequences that come in situations like this.

    Love,
    xxxx

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  9. #106
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    Quote Originally Posted by HillDweller View Post
    Are you saying you hope "for her sake" she has a miscarriage?? Did I misunderstand you? I'm very sorry if I did, but if that's what you meant that's not very nice. Edited to add: Bluebird I just read your last post, we posted at the same time. I saw you apologised to the OP.

    I, along with most pp think that the OP should have a very good think about whether she wants to spend her life with a man who is clearly very selfish and abusive, but guys, it's not easy for everyone to just chuck in their marriage. It can (and usually is) a very very scary thing. I was unhappy in my previous marriage for quite a few years before I actually left, and I'm quite a strong willed person! I was so determined to make it work. It can feel embarrassing, make you feel like you've 'failed', be incredibly scary wondering how you're going to cope on your own - financially and emotionally and that's WITHOUT thinking about being a first time single mum. It doesn't mean leaving wouldn't be the best thing for her - but being unable to understand why she wouldn't just tell her Husband to take a hike is not very empathetic - you're not her.

    The OP did not state that SHE wanted all those material things - she said they were her husbands plans. I agree that her husband seems to care only about himself, but I don't think the OP needs to be judged, told she's materialistic and a baby would be 'better off without her'. I think that's rather unfair.

    OP - I hope people's comments (including mine) have not upset you too much -most people truly are trying to help because they feel upset and angry on your behalf about the treatment you are being put through. I think you already know your husband is not being a good husband - that doesn't mean your decisions are any easier to make. It's easy for people to say what they would absolutely do in your position, but no-one knows what they would do in YOUR position. Not even if they've been in a *similar* position themselves. They don't have YOUR life, YOUR emotions, YOUR background story. Forums are great for getting lots of different opinions and help - but they're also known for people 'jumping on the bandwagon' and passing major judgement on people they don't even know. (Trust me, you should belong to a dog or chicken forum, that's even worse ) I really hope you can find the strength to do what is best for you, I would hate to be in your position.
    Great post Hilldweller - I agree with everything you said xxxx

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  11. #107
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    This is your husband? Goodness I'd be reassessing if that's what sort of support you want as your life partner. Terrible behaviour.

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  13. #108
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    May I ask is it wrong to have the feeling; "What will be will be". I said that to my sister and she got pretty angry, said it was no way of addressing a life. I just believe things happen for a reason, surely they have too? After everything I've been through and for the fact I am in no way a bad person, surely there has to be a reason why things occur?

    After I lost my mum I re-thought the saying: good things happen to good people and bad things happen to bad people. My mum was the most generous, caring and giving person anyone could meet, she didn't deserve to die a painful death at 52. She gave to charities, was always there for her colleagues (sometimes coming home at 9pm having stayed back to help someone with work), she was loved by everyone yet this occurred to her. She's not the only one, there is always bad things happening to good people.

    Don't know if any of that makes sense!

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  15. #109
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    Having briefly read most of the posts....

    I think OP you should leave your husband. Like everyone else has posted - he will ruin your life financially, emotionally and psychologically and you will never ever have the happy family you desire.

    I would also take a break from your family (your sister and dad). They sound just as poisonous.

    As to what you do with the pregnancy is your decision, but I would highly recommend taking some time out for yourself, doing some travel and then settling somewhere far far away from these people. You're young and well educated, you should do well.

  16. #110
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    Fair point @ stretched - my post was probably blunt.

    OP I hope you are able to make the decision that is right for you, not the decision others want you to make. Seek out some non-biased counselling so you are more clear about which path you choose.

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