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  1. #1
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    Default Unsupportive husband and a difficult decision

    Hello everyone,

    First time poster and wasn't entirely sure where to write this, so I do apologies if it is in the completely wrong area of the forum. Please feel free to re-direct it if need be.

    I am seeking some urgent advice on a situation where I feel very lost and ultimately with little to no choice. I'm scared, confused and find myself with one of the toughest decisions of my life.

    Quick back story as it may help advice: I am a 24 year old, University graduate who got married late last year. My husband and I have been together for close to 4 years. Asides from the Wedding 2013 was far from nice to my husband and I. My mum was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer during a routine ultrasound for a bladder stone she was getting removed, 4 months later she passed away. It was the most horrific experience I have ever had to go through and I lost my mum and my best friend that day. It made me completely reassess my life as I was very complacent in my life. I'll never forget getting that phone call after work telling me my mum had passed away.
    After the death of my mum our lives changed forever and things went from bad to worse. My father (who was happily married to my mum of 30 years remarried a woman he had met on a dating website only 2 days after her funeral, alienating my sister and I throughout the process), my husband and I got kicked out of the Unit we were living in (which was owned by my parents) all because I didn't approve of the 'marriage', we were blackmailed and all our finances taken by my fathers disgusting actions over this period.

    We now find ourselves at my husbands parents house trying to get our lives back on track. We have 2 investment properties with my father which has seen us in a huge fight to try and get out of the properties before we lose all control of those. Our finances are terrible as all our money is going towards paying for the mortgages on the investment properties. There has been positive shifts towards those investment properties being sold but we aren't holding out that everything will go to plan.
    On top of that everything imaginable has been going wrong to both him and I.

    Monday the 12th of May I was at the shops and had an urge to buy a pregnancy test, I had no idea why as I wasn't super late by any sense of the word but I bought a 3 pack and went home. I did the test and took one glance at it; negative! I took a sigh of relief and threw the test in the cupboard behind my make-up products.

    Wednesday the 14th of May was a horrible day, I was pulled over by the police and my number plates taken for not having a 'registered car.' No amount of pleading that my car was paid for helped and I was left stranded on the side of the road. Turns out I had paid my registration and it was simply an error in the system and they mistyped my number plate...
    That night I decided due to the amount of luck I was having to do another test. Two lines appeared and my heart sank. I stood there not knowing what to do so I pulled out the other test from the cupboard that I had completed on Monday; Positive. I hadn't let it develop properly and had missed the second line appearing.

    My sister was the 1st to find out, since losing my mum her and I have become very close. I then told my husband who handled it surprisingly well....oh so I thought.

    My husbands views on the matter are very blunt; get rid of it now, "it will ruin our lives" he says. We have always planned on having kids, 3 to be exact but it was planned to be in 2 years time once we had things set up and wasn't in the situation we are in now. He has pleaded at me, screamed at me, its just been horrible. My problem with simply just getting rid of it is that although I am pro-choice I have always said that if I was in a loving relationship I would make it work. The thought of going down that path scares me so much.

    I have confided in several people, all with different views. Some believe just getting rid of it will enable us to move on and rebuild our lives before we start to try properly, others said its entirely up to the person and a few have been almost in tears saying 'don't go through with getting rid of it'. My husband has been supportive to an extent, but has made his feelings very known (in other words I do not have a choice). He booked in to the clinic for Monday when I asked him to book in for 2 weeks time as I needed time to assess my thoughts and feelings, he refused. Sunday night I was a mess, in tears and just couldn't sleep. Come Monday I was as white as a ghost as we arrived at the clinic, I ultimately had a nervous breakdown walking through the doors and spent the whole time in the waiting room crying my eyes out. We went through the ultrasound part where we found out I am very very early and then moved to the counselling part where I sat there crying some more. She told us we had to come back another day as I clearly wasn't ready for it. This begins the horror of the last few days; he threw his wedding ring off and went insane about how his life is over and he should just go kill himself, he screamed at me the whole way home, then proceeded to text me all of Tuesday telling me how I don't care, if I cared I would have just sucked it up and done it, that it NEEDS TO GO, that he has rebooked for Friday and if I back out again he is going.

    I just don't know what to do. Part of me (the rational part of me) is aware of the current circumstances and know this isn't what we had plan, but another part of me knows that I will make an amazing mum and that what we are currently going through is only a short term pain for a long term reward (investment properties). My husband and I have dreamt of building a life where we are financially comfortable, living in our own house, still doing investment properties, sending our kids to private school and owning our dream cars. He believes if we continue this pregnancy it is all gone.
    The reason I am having such a hard time is since losing my mum I have realised how short life is and that anything can happen to us, it makes me want to take life by the horns and just live it.


    I really feel like I have no choice in this matter though, either I go through with the abortion or I lose my husband. I would love to hear some advice...anything really.

    PS: We are both working, my husband has a very stable full time job and the investment properties and I have a primary teaching job and my own business. He says that if I keep it I won't be allowed to continue with either teaching or my own business so kiss my finances away.

  2. #2
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    Big hugs, you have had a rough trot.
    Only you can make this decision, as hard as it is.
    You need to sit down and have a serious talk with your husband

  3. #3
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    I really feel for you hun being in a situation like that. First pregnancy is scary enough without having decisions forced on you. I think what you need to do is cancel that appointment and if you so choose remake it when and if you are ready. He has no right to act like that towards you. I think after everything you have been through maybe a councillor would be a great idea. Someone that has nothing to do with the whole situation where you can vent all you like and get some help sorting through your feelings. Don't ever let anyone push you into anything hun. Its not a pleasant road to go down.

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  5. #4
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    huge hugs.

    Although I am a complete stranger, I am far from impressed with your husbands reaction

    I understand how a surprise pregnancy can throw even the most stable person, but the way he is acting is NOT ok.

    I'm glad the counsellor could see this wasn't the right time for you at your first appointment.

    How do you feel about your husband making the appointment for you? I could understand if you specifically asked him to do it, but going by the tone of your post that doesn't seem to be what's happened.

    Is your husband able to speak with a counsellor? It seems obvious he isn't coping with this situation and maybe talking to someone removed from it may help.

    No matter which way you go, please remember it is up to you. You cannot be forced to make a decision.

    Sent from my GT-I9100T using The Bub Hub mobile app

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  7. #5
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    Quote Originally Posted by maternidade View Post
    Big hugs, you have had a rough trot.
    Only you can make this decision, as hard as it is.
    You need to sit down and have a serious talk with your husband
    Since we found out we have sat down every night and discussed it. He has made his opinions very clear though and he isn't willing to alter those thoughts. Ultimately either I shift my thoughts and go down the path he wants or I go against his wishes (which isn't easy).

  8. #6
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    Oh. My. God.

    I'm not sure if you were looking for opinions/advice or just a virtual hug but I will say this, DO NOT base your decision about your pregnancy on someone who gives you ultimatums and threats!!! That is disgusting behavior and it makes me sick to think your husband would treat you this way. I'm very sorry.

    Stressed or not, there is NO excuse for this. You already know how you feel about this based on your response and the clinic.

    You are married with stable jobs. As for everything else - well that's life. It ain't always going to be easy not matter when you have your children. Your husband is being unrealistic about life having to be perfect. Life is never perfect! And his requirements for having a child are ALL materialistic and idealised. You already know that life can be over in an instant and nothing is certain. Life is about love and family.

    Good luck with your decision making. (You might need to get away and stay with your sister for the weekend or something so as you can clear your head and not have him constantly at you.)

    (ETA: Also, it is very naive to think that you can just pick and choose when and when not you would like a child. I have had 4 consecutive miscarriages and I have countless friends who are going through so much to have children with no success. All of us are young and healthy people. You just don't know what will happen in the future. Just because your husband decides this one can be "gotten rid of" doesn't mean he (or you) is assured another chance in future just because he says so! I'm sorry you're in this position)
    Last edited by OneLove; 28-05-2014 at 10:27.

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  10. #7
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    I am so sorry all this has happened to you.

    I agree that only you can decide.

    What I would be trying to think though, if I felt forced to go through with a termination, how would that make me feel about my husband in the longer term?

    His behavior is ringing alarm bells to be honest. As stressful as the situation is for him (and you), I think his reaction has been unacceptable.

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  12. #8
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    Quote Originally Posted by dancingchipmunk View Post
    huge hugs.

    Although I am a complete stranger, I am far from impressed with your husbands reaction

    I understand how a surprise pregnancy can throw even the most stable person, but the way he is acting is NOT ok.

    I'm glad the counsellor could see this wasn't the right time for you at your first appointment.

    How do you feel about your husband making the appointment for you? I could understand if you specifically asked him to do it, but going by the tone of your post that doesn't seem to be what's happened.

    Is your husband able to speak with a counsellor? It seems obvious he isn't coping with this situation and maybe talking to someone removed from it may help.

    No matter which way you go, please remember it is up to you. You cannot be forced to make a decision.

    Sent from my GT-I9100T using The Bub Hub mobile app

    Thank you so much for your lovely comment. I agree, he isn't my most favourite person at this point in time.

    He made the appointment without me. We went to our second doctors visit together and he asked for an 'abortion' referral and I asked for a 'ultrasound' referral. We got both and went home. I asked him if I could please book in for an ultrasound first as I felt this may aid in my decision, he refused and called the abortion clinic and booked me in on Monday. When I heard "Monday" I went "WHAT..NO. That's too soon" and he gave me a really horrible look and said "Monday would be fine."

    He said I embarrassed him at the abortion clinic but I simply expressed how I was feeling. I was a mess and it was realistic for them to not allow me to go through with the procedure. He referred to it as "ripping off a bandaid" I am now making it harder for myself. I don't believe that, I believe I will live a life of regret and sadness if I don't make this decision with myself.

    I asked him last night to go see someone he refused and said he'll be fine once 'it goes'. That all his stress, his sadness, his anger and his pain is because of it.

  13. #9
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    Wow! That was so full on to read, let alone experience! Big hugs from me, it sounds like your husband is putting you in a very difficult position.

    I guess you need to ask yourself if this is the kind of man you want to spend your life with. The way he has treated you is appalling. Booking you in for a termination feels so forceful and wrong. YOUR BODY YOUR CHOICE. No-one has the right to threaten you and force you to do something you aren't comfortable with. You need to arrive at a decision that you can live with.

    As an aside, he's wrong about you losing your job. I'm a teacher and I've worked part time over the last 6 years since I became a mum. Either 2 or 3 days per week. Sounds like he's trying to find any excuse to make you terminate. How awful!

    All the best to you, I hope you can find a solution that you are happy with xxx

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    So sorry you're going through this. I've never been in your position so I can't really offer much advice. But your hubby needs to stop being a horrible bully to you! I'm sure he's going through his own feelings and fears about the situation, but his attitude towards you is disgusting and unfair in my opinion

    With regards to the counselling session at the clinic, could that be an opportunity to talk rationally with hubby? Would he be as mean to you in front of the counsellor?

    ETA: None of these other replies were appearing when I wrote this, so sorry if I've doubled up on questions.


 

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