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  1. #1
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    Default Really sad when I see the baby's room, how to overcome it

    So I'm currently in the process of trying to help myself given no-one else cares or wants to help me.

    One thing I've so far been unable to help myself with is the fact that now every time I walk past the baby's room I just feel sad. I no longer feel the little spark of excitement that I used to feel. I just feel sad because I know I won't be able to cope with looking after the baby if I can barely cope day to day now. I think we'll have to employ a nanny to look after the baby cause DH works long hours & that makes me feel like I'll be such a terrible mother. All I ever wanted was to be a mother & now what kind of a life am I going to give the child? To be raised by a nanny & just have me read it a book every night & sing it songs? What kind of a mother is that?

    I want to feel that spark of excitement again. I want the baby's room to be a happy place again.

    I haven't been able to figure out a way of achieving this. Any ideas?

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    Sorry, I have no advice, but I will say that hiring someone to help you if you feel that you cannot cope does not make you a bad mother. You will be a calmer, better mother getting the help & support you need - please don't feel ashamed or guilty if that's what you need. Happy mum, happy bub!

    Just lots of hugs and I hope you feel better soon.

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    I feel for you. I had severe antenatal depression with my first pregnancy that we unfortunately lost at 20 weeks. My last pregnancy with DS I kind of fluttered on the edge of depression and have been since he arrived, I'm coping so far, but just.

    I was petrified I wouldn't love him or cope with him. But you just do. I don't know to explain it but no matter how down I am I am able to still tell that he's not the problem and he is amazing and I love him, and you will too. It's overwhelming but because you're already seeking help I think you can be confident things will be ok when baby arrives. My biggest advice is to get a counsellor lined up (ideally one that specializes in ante and post natal depression, check out PANDA) and see your GP so they are prepared to help you stay on top of your anxiety.

    We moved to London when I was 25 weeks and my husband works long hours so I often feel lonely and like I'm doing it all on my own. I've considered a nanny but so far I'm not comfortable leaving him so haven't pursued it yet.

    I'm also a nanny and a doula (sorry this post is all over the shop) and can honestly say getting some help does not make you a bad mom. I've worked for moms who have just had babies and I'm just around to help a bit, they're still great moms but just needed help with a few things or didn't have family around so had me so they could have a break every now and then. I saw your other post, you can have one part time, every day for half a day, a few full days, a few half days, whatever you feel you need.

    PM me if you'd like to chat or want help with what to look for. X

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    Thanks. I've spoken to panda. After first asking for help at 15 weeks I'm finally seeing someone next week (34 weeks) but I just feel like it's now too little too late in terms of having this under control by the time the baby arrives. They just left me to cope by myself, no-one cared or wanted to know, & now I'm in a huge mess & I don't think I'll be ready to deal with a baby as well.

    I was just anxious at first but had a feeling this was going to happen so I tried to preempt it by asking for help early on & got nothing. So now I'm anxious, depressed & angry & I just don't know how to cope.

    I just want to get dosed up on meds at this point to make it all go away, so maybe then I can be a half decent mother to my child.

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    That's a shame that you feel so let down. Definitely go to the appointment, it's not too late to get on top of all of this. If you feel you need meds then discuss that with your GP and the counsellor, they usually use it as a last resort with pregnancy or breastfeeding but it's something you should discuss and maybe line up for after your baby's birth.

    I found a really great antenatal/postnatal counsellor through PANDA's website and contacted her on my own. I think I paid for my first visit fully because I couldn't wait to see her (I was desperate to talk to somebody) so took a cancellation spot she had available and then I went to my GP and got a mental health plan for Medicare to help cover more visits. I've found with counsellors that you don't always click with certain ones and you have to be proactive and keep searching if you don't feel you really like the one you've found. She was the first one I ever wanted to stick with. Over the years I've tried a few and have always ended up gradually leaving some because I didn't feel I was getting much from them but she helped me immensely, I hope this one works out for you.

    Where are you in OZ?
    Last edited by HollyGolightly81; 21-05-2014 at 06:51.

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  9. #6
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    Do whatever you have to do to get through this.

    Having help does NOT make you a bad or substandard mother, just a realistic one! I think we pile so much responsibility onto our selves, thinking we have to be everything and everyone to our babies or there is something wrong with us.

    Absolutely NOT! There is a good reason for the saying "It takes a village to raise a child" and that is because it is true. The aim is not to have a perfect baby with all of its needs met every second by only you, but to have a happy and functioning mother/baby dyad who are both in great mental health.

    Humans are herd creatures, very social, and historically have had tons of help with raising babies: grandparents, aunties, uncles, friends, peers etc. It's only in this insular modern society where the isolated nuclear family has become the norm that Mums are crazily 'left to it' and expected to cope with EVERYTHING 24/7 for years, and we wonder why we sometimes break down????

    Isn't it obvious???

    Get your nanny, and ENJOY her company, enjoy the fact that you are going to possibly have time for some proper sleep, energy for a sense of humour, energy to be having fun with your bub, someone adult to talk to during the day, it's a GREAT thing, and far closer to what human child rearing is actually meant to be, in a perfect world, when extended family is not too far away or busy, being able to help out with this essential role of properly supporting the linchpin of this whole production:

    YOU.


    Please think about this deeply, and realise you are NOT a failure, you are showing your essential human nature, there is nothing wrong with you, you are going through a rough patch, like 99% of us do during our lives, and you WILL get though it.

    *Written by a Mum who has had AND/PND with all 3 children and is still being treated for major depressive disorder, but is not going to beat herself up any more.*

    Take care of you, you are definitely worth it.
    Last edited by MilkingMaid; 21-05-2014 at 06:31.

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    Oh hun, I'm so sorry that you are feeling this way. I do know someone who had prenatal depression and she couldn't imagine bonding with her child at all but when the baby was born it was a bit like the clouds just lifted for her.

    Are you not seeing a midwife to give you some support and refer you on to appropriate help?

    Please don't give up hope.

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    I'm so glad you're seeing someone about this. It's not really something you can solve on your own.

    Is your DH supportive? Does he understand what AND/PND is? If not, it might be worth taking him to an appointment where the psychologist can explain it to him.

    If you need help, definitely use it. There's nothing wrong with that. A good mother does what is best for her child, it's not about doing absolutely everything yourself. You may find that with counseling and support you'll be able to use less help over time.

    Also, don't worry if you don't instantly fall in love with bub. It can take some time to bond, which is normal and is no reflection on what kind of mother you'll be.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Cue View Post

    Also, don't worry if you don't instantly fall in love with bub. It can take some time to bond, which is normal and is no reflection on what kind of mother you'll be.
    Yes, I experienced this with my second son, he had colic, and on top of PND I struggled to bond with him, and he smelled wrong, like he wasn't mine.

    As he got better, and I did as well, he started to smell 'right' and I bonded with him really strongly. It's OK if it takes time.

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    I sank into antenatal depression really hard and really fast. I then went on the struggle with PND as well. If you need to, please PM me. If you want to be sad, vent, whatever!

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