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    Default Marriage counselling

    DH and I have agreed to see a marriage counsellor after he screwed up our marriage by seeking people online for sex when out of town on a business trip last week. He says he didn't actually follow through and I have no idea whether to believe him. I only found this out today and am totally devastated. He appears very remorseful but I honestly don't know how I can see a way forward and ever trust him again. I can't believe he has ruined our family in an instant.

    My question is whether anyone has any advice in choosing a marriage counsellor? There are a few in our area, but I need to make the right choice because DH has been to counselling before for work related issues and that counsellor was a validator and did nothing but tell DH that he was in the right and how to bring others down. I felt the counsellor was there to make DH feel better at that moment rather than looking at how DH could be contributing to the problems. I need a Dr Phil style person who says things straight up without skirting around the real issues.

    I'd rather not say where I live, just would like to hear from anyone who might have some tips in choosing the right person.

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    Not sure... Perhaps look for higher qualifications (eg doctorate and not just a diploma/bachelor counsellor?). Please be open to someone who will both tell your DH when he it right and wrong. For example your DH is absolutely wrong for seeking out online sex but a counsellor who asks questions such as 'why were you doing that' and 'did pre-existing problems in the marriage partly drive you to this?' may still be valid and useful (not saying this last bit relates to your scenario).
    Last edited by VicPark; 10-05-2014 at 23:27.

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    PurpleButterfly4  (11-05-2014)

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    SpecialPatrolGroup is offline T-rex is cranky until she gets her coffee.
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    Contact Relationships Australia. Pretty sure they are all degree qualified on counselling, psych, social work and participate in a lot of regular training to develop their skills.

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    OP I'm so so sorry. Big hugs to you. I know what you are going through.
    Relationships Australia are great- we didn't like the 1st counsellor they have us but the 2nd one was magnificent after we asked to change. Can't recommend them highly enough.

    Also I took some books out from the local library when it happened to us- to get some perspective and see things from another angle. I just searched for the words "affair" and "cheat" and those kinds of words and there are lots of really helpful books written by psychologists/psychiatrists/therapists about how it happens and why it happens, and how to deal with it.
    Sending healing vibes.

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    We've seen two marriage counsellors. First one just listened to us complain about each other and didn't really help. The second one was much better - he heard the issues but explained more what makes a good marriage work - drew diagrams and gave us statistics and stuff. Much more useful. He has fewer qualifications than the first one. I'd be looking for someone that's really going to give you take home strategies

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    We have also visited Relations Australia in the past with great results. However we have seen 2 different counsellors with one being far better than the other so its defiantly worth shopping around or at least trying to find one that "works" for both of you.

    Im sorry OP... i can imagine you must be devastated. Lots of warm fuzzy hugs

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    Thanks to everyone for your posts. I will contact Relationships Australia today. We have a branch here, so hopefully they will be able to help us.

    Would anyone recommend a male or female counsellor? I'd go for female but suspect that a male might be more respected by DH and might understand the sexual issues he is describing more than a woman might.

    Feeling so totally gutted right now :'(

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    Good luck... I am not sure about make vs female etc. I think you just have to keep trying until you get the 'right' one. It could be a male, it could be a female. If they are properly qualified it shouldn't matter.

    Hang in there..


 

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