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  1. #11
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    harvs is offline Winner 2014 - Spirit of BubHub Award
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    So sorry monnie. I'd ring Centrelink ASAP, because they will backdate your claim to the date you ring. There is paperwork that they will send out for both of you fill in, and the whole process does take a little while. Meanwhile - totally agree, I'd be making plans ie where to live, how to afford it, who to call on for support, where W goes to childcare etc. The more plans you have made, the easier it will be to stay strong and follow through with what you want.

    You can absolutely do this alone. You are one tough chick x

  2. #12
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    I asked him to go stay at his mums for a few days/weeks so I could find my headspace. I asked for separation. We have a mortgage (not big I can afford it on my own and his mum wouldn't care about him moving in). He is refusing. Saying he doesnt want too. I feel bullied. I feel like the relationship is bipolar and he is contributing to my mental health. He is fantastic with the kids I cant fault that but not me he blames everything on me (moods/relationship probs). Hes not stressed about H he thinks when it happpns it happens. I said seriously live in real world we need think seriously. His job is getting him down (out work again) but he doesnt think he needs counselling. Im at the point where I only have energy to fight for my kids and there health problems.

    We got preg so quickly into our relo (6m) then kids so close together. We probably finding each other with two kids added

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  3. #13
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    I don't think it's fair of him that he has the capability to go and stay with his mother to give you space and he is flat out refusing. He's forcing his presence on you and there is a better option.

    There's no other options for living arrangements at this point in time? Nowhere you and the kids could stay while you arranged mediation?

    Again, I'm so sorry Monnie. Big hugs.

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    If he won't resonate with you, then just do it. I know that sounds incredibly scary, but its probably the only way, and then he might get the hint that you actually meant it, and see that you are strong enough to do it.
    If he won't acceot its over and let you move on, just do it without him, you dont need for him to agree, it will make it easier of course, but you dont need his approval.

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    What is your relationship with MIL like, it might be a bit awkward but could you and the kids go and stay with her?

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  9. #16
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    Hi Monnie

    Sorry to hear you are going through a very rough time.

    I have recently left an emotionally and physically abusive relationship and have found talking to social workers and domestic violence info lines very helpful. They can give you advice about where to go from your situation.

    You can also try speaking to legal aid (free) to get advice about family law, financial stuff etc.

    Please do what you have to to keep yourself happy and safe.

    xo

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    Oh hun. I don't have anything to add as the other ladies have said what I was thinking.

    I just want to give you big internet hugs. I hope your hubby does agree to a separation, even if it's just for a short while so you can both figure out where to go from there.

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    I'm sorry to hear he is a bully but i'm happy to hear you are ready to do something about it! Good on you! Would any of these things work for you?
    -Wait till he goes out, pack him some clothes and possessions. Send him a text that his stuff is outside, you have called his mum to let her know he is staying for a week and that you will call the police if he doesn't go quietly as you have asked him to go nicely and he has now forced your hand. Either that or take his stuff to his mums and explain to her you need some time out from him and that you will text him what you have done. What I know is bullies don't like to be 'outed'. They derive shame from anyone knowing so if you tackle him head on and he thinks the neighbours will see/hear then you have more of a chance that he will go quietly.
    -Call the dv hotline and go to a refuge. From there they can help you with centrelink, accommodation etc etc.
    -Is there a male who could have a chat with him so that he knows another man knows (can be a good tactic if the other man is an alpha male) and so he can be told it's best for both of you to have a break?
    -Ask the dv hotline if there is a 'staying home, leaving violence' program in your area. It's an initiative that has only been rolled out in some places that ensures a woman and her children are safe to remain in their home. There is extra funding for changing of locks, house alarms etc.
    Bullying, DV, intimidation, harassment is best talked about. It's best to let others in our families and communities know how we are feeling. We don't have to name the behaviour necessarily but we do need to let others know that we are feeling bullied, unsafe, intimidated. The more you talk to others the more support you will gain. Let him sit with the dirty little secret of his behaviour. The more you speak about it the less power it (and he) will have.
    Make sure in the future your lawyer is a family law specialist. Family lawyers are well versed. A lawyer who can 'do' family law is less than preferable and won't do a good of a job as a specialist in law.
    Good luck Monnie.

    PS He doesn't have to agree to a separation! You don't need his permission.

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  13. #19
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    MilkingMaid is offline Winner 2009 - Mod Award - most supportive member
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    Nothing to add Monnie, but just wanted to register my support. Remember that you can take time to gather information, money and important things together, and then act when you need/want to.

    Please do access all the help and support you can, it will make it easier when you do separate.

    Take care, you can do this, you will find strength you never knew you had.

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    Just updating we have been to our local community centre for counseling.

    Im still holding a bit of resentment but thats my personality.

    Im just seeing how we go talking it through etc as we havent been married for long, trauma of hugo and hubby being jobless all major stresses (not the marriage lol) but everyone tells me first year is hardest I don't know why

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