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  1. #1
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    Default How do you tell friends you're UTD?

    So I have this friend who wants nothing more than to have babies but she won't be TTC until the ending of the year. My issue is, I have always been a relatively private person and have never really told my friends anything-she's opposite and I know as soon as she POAS she'd tell me. I feel pressured to tell her but I'm not ready due to my TTC history which I don't think she appreciates. She told me to my face she was jealous of me being pregnant (even though it ended in mc).
    I don't know when or how I should tell her. The first time I sent a text, her response was pretty self absorbed and the second time I didn't tell until long after my mc and the third-I haven't told anyone!
    Has anyone dealt with a good friend who-when it comes to your TTC journey-turns into the complete opposite? How do you handle this? I'm not overly worried but I do value this friendship and I feel deceiving when I don't tell her. I also feel like I should lie so I don't seem deceitful like 'OMG dr made me do a test and it was positive! I didn't even know and now I'm freaking out!' as opposed to just being honest and telling the truth.
    Any comments, thoughts or experiences are appreciated

    ETA: I should also add that I haven't told anyone yet and really don't want to until after 12 weeks. I want to tell my friend before so I can be supported but I'm scared if I miscarry again-she'll act like a jerk again

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    my two advices
    1/ don't lie
    2/ choose the timing that YOU are comfortable with and when it's time to tell her - you can tell her that you understand that she is disappointed you had not told her earlier but it is a major event in your life and you wanted to keep it just for yourself for a little while.
    Something like that?
    She'll get over it. I'm sure you realize she reacts like that because she can't TTC yet and she wants too...

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    Chillies  (05-05-2014)

  4. #3
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lili81 View Post
    my two advices
    1/ don't lie
    2/ choose the timing that YOU are comfortable with and when it's time to tell her - you can tell her that you understand that she is disappointed you had not told her earlier but it is a major event in your life and you wanted to keep it just for yourself for a little while.
    Something like that?
    She'll get over it. I'm sure you realize she reacts like that because she can't TTC yet and she wants too...
    I'm definitely not going to lie, I do plan on just telling her-I think that's a bloody great suggestion. I do appreciate it's because she won't TTC until the end of the year. If I knew for sure I'd successfully carry a baby the same time as her, I'd wait but I've been thinking what if one of us loses? It would be horrible! Plus, that's just not me (it's very much her-she tries to convince our circle of friends to TTC at the same time not really appreciating it doesn't quite work like that ) Thanks for the post Lili

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    A lot of people wait until after 12 weeks to tell friends anyway. It's certainly not being deceitful to keep it to yourself

    I would wait until you feel ready, she doesn't HAVE to know straight away and if you know she's going to be a bit of a buzz kill and make the whole thing about her then I would leave it as long as possible.

    We won't be telling anyone outside of close family and friends until 20 weeks next time around.

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    Chillies  (06-05-2014)

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    Quote Originally Posted by dee1 View Post
    A lot of people wait until after 12 weeks to tell friends anyway. It's certainly not being deceitful to keep it to yourself

    I would wait until you feel ready, she doesn't HAVE to know straight away and if you know she's going to be a bit of a buzz kill and make the whole thing about her then I would leave it as long as possible.

    We won't be telling anyone outside of close family and friends until 20 weeks next time around.
    This is exactly what I was thinking. I don't know why I feel deceitful. I guess because I want to tell her but I just know she'll make it about herself and I've been thru so much already with TTC I'm afraid if she does react a way I think is rude-I'll just cut off our friendship. It's a case of I need her for support but not if I have to prop her up about feeling good for me iykwim?

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    mumbron is offline Actions speak louder than words!
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    Just be honest with her and tell her about your feelings from your past experience's and that you have chosen to share your news with her first because you treasure your friendship and her support would be nice.

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    Chillies  (06-05-2014)

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    Quote Originally Posted by mumbron View Post
    Just be honest with her and tell her about your feelings from your past experience's and that you have chosen to share your news with her first because you treasure your friendship and her support would be nice.
    Another great piece of advice I don't think I want to talk so much about my past as I feel like she can't relate and I'm just very private about it irl anyway. I do think it's a good suggestion about treasuring our friendship, etc. I'm drafting up a text message this afternoon to send when the time is right. Would love to hear about experiences of other mums to be...

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    harvs is offline Winner 2014 - Spirit of BubHub Award
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    Well, I told my closest friends as soon as I found out, which was early early (as in not even a pos at my doctor's appointment, but pos at home). My unplanned pregnancy ultimately caused the breakdown of my marriage, and I still remember as this carnage was going on around me that one of these friends told me she was jealous of me. And I was just thinking 'really? This is about you? You're jealous of my life falling to sh!t around me?' So I totally get where you are coming from. This particular friend is so desperate for a baby that she is at the point where she cries when she holds a baby, and cries when a friend is pregnant, but isn't TTC yet.

    My bestie (who is pregnant) was so stressed about telling her, she just ended up with coming straight out with it and being blunt - as in 'I'm pregnant. I want to acknowledge that this might be hard for you to hear, but I'm sharing it with you because you're important to me, and I hope we can enjoy this time together'.

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    Chillies  (06-05-2014)

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    I wouldn't feel badly about waiting. After what you've been through most people would understand waiting til you felt comfortable, including close friends or family.

    I had a mmc where the lil one passed in the 7th week. I didn't find out til nearly 12 weeks so had told a few close friends (unplanned pregnancy) and had to tell them and most were really great except for a friend I've had for 30 plus years. I was kinda disappointed in her reaction. She's always told me as soon as she has poas, but I've always waited til 7/8 weeks to tell her (we have a few kids between us now and a few pregnancies at the same time). She's also kinda more interested in her own news than mine most of the time I feel. After that experience I realised how much so.
    When I got pregnant again I waited til after my 8 weeks scan to tell the same set of people.

    It's about you and when you feel right, friends should really understand I feel.

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    Chillies  (06-05-2014)

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    @mrsharvey that's exactly what I thought and it makes me feel relieved I'm not coming off as sounding like making a big deal out of nothing, I'm really anxious about it. I might just use what your friend said!
    @Bluebirdgirl that's exactly how it is and I was thinking after 8week scan this Friday but I'm seeing her on the weekend and don't want it to be awkward-as in I seen her and didn't tell her but chose to say something after?! Anyway, I guess I'm just furthering my vent to you lol.

    Thanks for sharing your experiences, it's just so hard sometimes-dealing with your own life and your own feelings and then expected to feel responsible for others feelings about YOUR business.
    Feel free to share any more experiences ladies xx
    Last edited by Chillies; 06-05-2014 at 14:29.


 

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