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  1. #41
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    For me it's never ok. I used to know someone that was a serial sleeper with married men. I firmly believe she did it as an ego boost. She felt that if a partnered man was willing to put his family on the line to sleep with her, it must mean she was really desirable/interesting/worth the risk.

    As to blame to the 3rd party, they may not be in a relationship with them, but what happened to common decency? I have given this example before - you are in a car park and crash into someone else's car. Is it ok to drive away bc you don't know that person intimately or have a connection to them in some way? Surely we should treat others with respect and decency without having to be in a relationship with them? That argument doesn't work with any other situation I can think of, where you need to have a close connection to someone to feel remorse or take responsibility, and it really doesn't hold weight here imo.

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  3. #42
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    I've had an affair with a married man, actually he was engage when it started, married when it ended... I didn't think I would ever go there, I thought my moral compass wouldn't allow me to... But it's amazing what can happen to you when a man you are attracted to & have a lot in common with says all the 'right' things to you... I still feel guilt over what happened, we had a connection & I fell in love with him, I was young & very vulnerable... I think he knew that... Yeah I felt at the time that I was doing the wrong thing but that's because I do have morals, I think there are a lot of women out there that wouldn't feel the guilt. I was in love with him & I found it really hard to stop loving him even though I knew I had to... But in the end it was probably the best thing that happened to me, it was the first time I had found love so it gave me the confidence to be open to love, I met my DH about 6 weeks after I ended it with the other man.

    I don't mind if you judge me for this, I judge myself, but it's my past & contributed to my journey... It certainly has made me more aware that cheating is way more common than I would ever have thought. But I went into my marriage believing in our relationship.

    But to answer your question, it's never right that a person in a relationship cheats, they made the commitment. The other man/woman only has there own conscious to consider & if they can live with it then so be it.

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  5. #43
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    Quote Originally Posted by JohnC View Post
    Having been the "victim" is such a situation, I hear what you're saying. But difficult as that was (particularly concerning custody arrangements for my daughter) I did not bear a grudge against the guy concerned. Life is complicated, and moral approbrium is more often a hinderance than a help in negotiating solutions to such interpersonal dilemmas.
    This kind of situation is hard. While it's not helpful to bear a grudge, I agree, it takes a big person to feel no resentment or to not let it affect the way they deal with the people involved. I think for some people, such a situation is just too hard to bear and deal with in a completely rational way. Someone close to me was also the "victim" and while the bulk of the ill feeling he had was directed towards his now ex, he did also feel that the men involved (yes, multiple) who knew she was married were in the wrong for their part.
    I guess it comes down to general consideration of your fellow man (or woman). You might not have made a promise or commitment to that person, but surely common decency would dictate you don't go out of your way or engage in behaviour that will harm others?

  6. #44
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    Having been in the situation where my XH cheated on me whilst i was preg & when DD1 was a baby till i found out.

    My answer is a big NO its never ok to have a relationship with a married man.

    My XH ended up marrying the woman he cheated on me with so now i have the dilemma of having people with such low morals as my DD1's father & step mother

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    I forgot to add, I still hold the person in the relationship more accountable than the person they are cheating with, bc they are the married/de facto one. But I still believe the '3rd wheel' needs to take some responsibility.

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  10. #46
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    Quote Originally Posted by Atropos View Post
    This kind of situation is hard. While it's not helpful to bear a grudge, I agree, it takes a big person to feel no resentment or to not let it affect the way they deal with the people involved. I think for some people, such a situation is just too hard to bear and deal with in a completely rational way. Someone close to me was also the "victim" and while the bulk of the ill feeling he had was directed towards his now ex, he did also feel that the men involved (yes, multiple) who knew she was married were in the wrong for their part.
    I guess it comes down to general consideration of your fellow man (or woman). You might not have made a promise or commitment to that person, but surely common decency would dictate you don't go out of your way or engage in behaviour that will harm others?
    Yeah, that's how I feel. I started the thread the way I did, because I was kind of putting myself in the woman's shoes, but I was really wondering if people think 'affairs' at all are OK behind someones back. I certainly don't think the guy is 'blameless', I just wasn't really relating to him when I was thinking about it, as I don't really know him well, and I'm not a guy.

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  12. #47
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    Quote Originally Posted by FearlessLeader View Post
    This.
    I also think the person in a relationship is 100% morally 'in the wrong' and the person they're cheating with bears absolutely no responsibility- maybe they show some questionable judgement in being with someone who is in a relationship but they actually don't owe anyone fidelity so in my eyes, they can't be viewed as the 'guilty party.'
    Totally disagree! How can the third party bear no responsibility? Just because they don't know the person that's being cheated on? So is it ok to steal something from a shop if you don't know the owner? Even if the 'thing' in the shop jumped into your arms and begged you to take it home, it's still not ok. Taking what isn't yours is wrong in every way. Nicking something small from a shop might not have that many consequences but every fool knows the consequences of cheating. I couldn't do it.

    (Of course if the third party has absolutely no idea the cheater is married/partnered then that's totally different, or if there's an open marriage arrangement, but that wasn't the scenario of the op)

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  14. #48
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gothel View Post
    Totally disagree! How can the third party bear no responsibility? Just because they don't know the person that's being cheated on? So is it ok to steal something from a shop if you don't know the owner? Even if the 'thing' in the shop jumped into your arms and begged you to take it home, it's still not ok. Taking what isn't yours is wrong in every way. Nicking something small from a shop might not have that many consequences but every fool knows the consequences of cheating. I couldn't do it.

    (Of course if the third party has absolutely no idea the cheater is married/partnered then that's totally different, or if there's an open marriage arrangement, but that wasn't the scenario of the op)
    I do agree with this, but then part of me thinks about 'ownership' and that doesn't strike me quite right as well. Hmmm...

    It's kind of a minefield really, I think the majority of people will respect the boundaries of a relationship, and not try to interfere with it (quite rightly I think) but others will 'test the waters' so to speak to discern if there is a 'chink in the armour' anywhere. I could never do that.
    Last edited by MilkingMaid; 25-04-2014 at 12:11.

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    Well i guess ownership is the word for an object, but commitment is the word for a relationship. If you know that someone is committed to someone else, and you don't walk away, then I think yes you bear responsibility. I also think there are degrees of responsibility, someone who is downright selfish and has a couldn't-give-a-f*^* attitude is more responsible/wrong than vulnerable people who are lied to and groomed by a 'cheater'. How many times do we hear "he said he was going to leave her, they weren't happy" etc etc.
    Last edited by Gothel; 25-04-2014 at 12:09.

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    No. Its never ok. I do feel sorry though for women who are in a relationship with a man without realising that he is married. But if that woman were to find out, no, it is not ok for her to continue the relationship. If they love each other that much, the man should leave his wife and come back and start the relationship again when he is single.
    T


 

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