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  1. #11
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    Generally, no, I don't think it's ok. Are there exceptions? Probably. On that springs to mind are poly-amorous situations where partners are able to have other liaisons but perhaps don't feel the need to discuss them. I've had (pre-DH) similar open arrangements where it was agreed that each could do whatever they liked provided they were safe- then it was don't ask, dont tell But that kind of thing is probably not what you have in mind. I'd never knowingly be the other woman, no. I don't think there is any legit raitionalisation for it- anyone who does rationalise it is likely kidding themselves.

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    Maybe they have an open relationship?

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    No it's not 'ok' ... But sometimes it happens and I think it's for the best. Happy people don't tend to have affairs in the first place.

    My marriage ended because my (ex) best friend had an affair with my exH when I was pregnant. Was it ok - no, but I've built a bridge and I actually don't think one bad decision by a person makes them bad or without morals. I still think very highly of my exH because every other aspect of him as a person is great. I don't think highly of his GF though .... Not because of the affair, but because she was a very toxic, horrible person anyway.

    I'm not sure I believe in monogamy anymore. I don't find affairs scandalous. I do think people who wander physically have already done so emotionally to get to that point. Not a bad person ... But perhaps a bad monogamist.

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    Nope! I can see why it happens and if DH had a 1 time fling I would stay with him and one day forgive him, but an ongoing affair - no absolutely not!

    Though TBH, if it was a 1 time thing and not with someone he or I have known before (ie one of our friends or someone he works with) and he felt bad for it and wasn't ever going to do it again, I'd rather not know.

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    No, I don't think it is something that is ever 'ok'. Like everything though there can be shades of grey.

    I don't tend to blame the 'other woman' when marriages end though. Yes, she played a role but the person breaking the trust is the husband (or wife obviously if the roles are reversed). It's the person in the relationship who owes the moral obligation to the other person in the relationship.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Theboys&me View Post
    No it's not 'ok' ... But sometimes it happens and I think it's for the best. Happy people don't tend to have affairs in the first place.

    My marriage ended because my (ex) best friend had an affair with my exH when I was pregnant. Was it ok - no, but I've built a bridge and I actually don't think one bad decision by a person makes them bad or without morals. I still think very highly of my exH because every other aspect of him as a person is great. I don't think highly of his GF though .... Not because of the affair, but because she was a very toxic, horrible person anyway.

    I'm not sure I believe in monogamy anymore. I don't find affairs scandalous. I do think people who wander physically have already done so emotionally to get to that point. Not a bad person ... But perhaps a bad monogamist.
    Really interesting perspective there, you are probably right.

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    Quote Originally Posted by NancyBlackett View Post
    No, I don't think it is something that is ever 'ok'. Like everything though there can be shades of grey.

    I don't tend to blame the 'other woman' when marriages end though. Yes, she played a role but the person breaking the trust is the husband (or wife obviously if the roles are reversed). It's the person in the relationship who owes the moral obligation to the other person in the relationship.
    I agree. There can be a tendency to shift the blame to the other woman (or man). They are at fault, but the one in a committed relationship has done the greater harm IMO.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Theboys&me View Post
    No it's not 'ok' ... But sometimes it happens and I think it's for the best. Happy people don't tend to have affairs in the first place.

    My marriage ended because my (ex) best friend had an affair with my exH when I was pregnant. Was it ok - no, but I've built a bridge and I actually don't think one bad decision by a person makes them bad or without morals. I still think very highly of my exH because every other aspect of him as a person is great. I don't think highly of his GF though .... Not because of the affair, but because she was a very toxic, horrible person anyway.

    I'm not sure I believe in monogamy anymore. I don't find affairs scandalous. I do think people who wander physically have already done so emotionally to get to that point. Not a bad person ... But perhaps a bad monogamist.

    Yep agree, except in my case I was the unhappy one, and exDP knew I was unhappy but apparently couldn't talk to me about it.

    I have forgiven him as I know we weren't thriving in our relationship anyway. We were best buddies, not in love anymore. He later admitted he was very wrong, and we get on fine now. But she knew I was pregnant and still pursued him relentlessly with emails every day (after he had told her it couldn't continue) No-one can tell me that is right! Only a scumbag does that.

    Don't believe humans are monogamous either. When I was single in my mid-20's I got hit on all the time by married or partnered men. It's just too common.
    Last edited by Ellewood; 25-04-2014 at 08:31.

  12. #19
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    Quote Originally Posted by Theboys&me View Post
    No it's not 'ok' ... But sometimes it happens and I think it's for the best. Happy people don't tend to have affairs in the first place.

    My marriage ended because my (ex) best friend had an affair with my exH when I was pregnant. Was it ok - no, but I've built a bridge and I actually don't think one bad decision by a person makes them bad or without morals. I still think very highly of my exH because every other aspect of him as a person is great. I don't think highly of his GF though .... Not because of the affair, but because she was a very toxic, horrible person anyway.

    I'm not sure I believe in monogamy anymore. I don't find affairs scandalous. I do think people who wander physically have already done so emotionally to get to that point. Not a bad person ... But perhaps a bad monogamist.
    This.
    I also think the person in a relationship is 100% morally 'in the wrong' and the person they're cheating with bears absolutely no responsibility- maybe they show some questionable judgement in being with someone who is in a relationship but they actually don't owe anyone fidelity so in my eyes, they can't be viewed as the 'guilty party.'
    I'm sure many cheaters are despicable people, but I'm sure many more are just people who fell in love with the wrong person at the wrong time, and were either too weak to not get involved, or rationalized it somehow. You can never know what's going on inside someone else's relationship, so I don't think it's fair to judge anyone but yourself and your own actions.

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    I dont believe so for anyone in a relationship (married or not). Personally I wouldnt want to start any type of relationship with someone who was with someone else.... doesnt set a great tone if you decide to pursue it further!

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