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  1. #1
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    Default Does anyone have 'friends' like this? :(

    I have a friend, well no longer a friend as of a couple of a week ago but I'm just angry at myself for letting myself get dragged through a one sided friendship for so long. I'm angry that I help out this friend so much and got nothing in return. She was great to talk to but in terms of making an effort she had never made any. We had been friends since I was 19 and she was 16, were now in our mid-late 20s and it hurts.

    I live in the outer suburbs (50 min drive from the city) and she lives a 10 min tram ride from the heart of the CBD. Shes always lived close to the city and I've always lived in the suburbs. She doesnt have her license, I always have. She would never catch public transport to my place yet would expect me to drive to the city or catch a train into the city to see her. If we were to catch up for a coffee or go shopping it would always be out her way, or if we went to the movies it had to be in the city or the drive ins (an excuse for me to pick her up on the way, 5 min drive from her house). I did all this without complaining for years as we were close and got along well.

    In the past 2 years she got an on again off again partner and I had met my partner. Since then I had only seen her 2-3 times? and the last time I saw her was when we went on a double date with our partners about a month ago, which was awkward because her boyfriend never made an effort to get to know us at all(I had only met him briefly 2 times when I was at her place & had dinner with them the last time I saw them).

    Each time we would plan to go out to dinner in particular she would always say "oh, as long as dinner isnt over $10 because I dont want to pay for an over priced meal". Which I'd just agree to even though I'd be thinking, umm I'd rather pay for a $20 meal that wasnt from a dodgy cafe/resturant place which was all oily and had no taste and gave us the runs that each night we would eat there night(she would only agree to two places 2 doors up from each other in the city). Just to clarify paying $10 for a meal in the city for lunch is fine by me, It's just odd to ONLY pay $10 MAX for a dinner in the city.

    Basically it always felt that we wernt worth the money or time to go see, she wouldnt pay for anything that was a nice meal(you know maybe a nice pub meal or italian or indian or something), yet she would expect us to drive into the city & pay for parking or catch an hours train ride in because heaven forbid she travels down a tram line to see a friend herself. Id even suggest to have them over for dinner so its a cheap night for them and she gets to see DS who she adores but she said say no well go into the city.

    One of the last times I saw her was meant to be for NYE at my place, we had DS so we were just doing something at home, dinner and drinks. We had invited them over and they said yes theyll come & stay the night. Then right before NYE she declined saying she had to work. Anyway a couple of days later she was tagged in a couple of pics of her, her partner and a couple of his friends celebrating NYE together. I was a little hurt but I though well maybe it was outside at her place after work, who knows, right?

    The last straw was we were going to have a BBQ dinner at our place for DP's 30th a few weeks back, she and her partner were invited and I offered for them to stay the night in the guest bedroom so they could have a few drinks and can drive home the next morning (her boyfriend drove)... she never responded to my texts or fb mses until I just asked her if she was going to come or not and she said she'd ask her partner. Anyway she never got back to me nor turned up. She didnt even bother to tell me or say sorry she couldnt make it or anything, a week went by and I msged her on FB and asked her why she didnt some or let me know she wasnt coming? She saw the msg and never responded so I sent her another msg a week after that and I asked her if everything was ok. She saw the msg and never responded again.

    Hurt knowing I knew she had seen multiple msgs and never responded to them I said to her I dont know what I or DP has done wrong but I thought it was rude of her not to even let us know that she was ok or why she wasnt going to come. I told her that I was over trying to keep a friendship going that she clearly doesnt want to be a part of. Not sure if it was the smartest thing to do but I knew it had to be said. I guess I'm just grieving a friendship that we once had and had changed since her current on and off again partner. Maybe he didnt like me so he got in her ear to ditch me? I'd hope not but I honestly dont know what I had done to make her decide to just drop a friendship of nearly 10 years.

    I feel so used and I feel foolish for trying & caring in the end. I guess some people will always be selfish and its all take and no giving.

    I've never really had a friend act this way, I'm hoping its not me and its just her, and I'm not the only one she would treat this way. has anyone else had friendships like this in the past? and how what happened? do you still speak?

  2. #2
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    Sounds like a very one sided friendship, I'm sorry that you are feeling really hurt. It sounds like you have done nothing wrong but perhaps you have just grown apart. It's unfair that she hasn't let you know what's going on either way:

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    Yes I have. No we don't speak. I deleted them both off fb and their numbers out of my phone. I'm sick of one sided friendships. I'd rather not have friends.

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    I've had a few situations like that, and have also seen close friends of mine deal with it with others....it's so tough!

    As I've got older, I place real importance on spending my time (as it's precious) with people who I really enjoy being around - I don't want to waste my energy on those that don't want it or deserve it...writing that makes me sound a tad selfish but someone has too look out for 'me'.

    I also think that friendships shouldn't be hard work....yes there are ups and downs but you shouldn't always feel like you're doing the hard yards....

    From what you've written, you haven't done anything wrong...maybe, she's just in that new relationship bubble? I think that the balls in her court - you've been honest with her about how you feel.

    Best wishes!

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    The fact she is not responding to, but viewing several of your messages tells me she no longer wants to be friends.

    I've been in a friendship with different circumstances but ultimately the same where it was terribly one sided where I gave and she constantly took. Unfortunately it didn't die a slow death and when I got rid of her it got ugly.

    Walk away and don't contact her again. Leave the ball in her court. You have reached out to her and she couldn't even have the decency to reply. You deserve more than that from a friend.

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    Thanks ladies. Yeah when I sent her the last fb msg the other week I deleted her off fb & off my phone. I just couldn't be bothered anymore deep down. I'm just a little sad that she didn't have the balls to at least tell me that she doesn't want anything to do with me you know?

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    Sounds like you are a good friend. She has taken you for granted and so rude of her to not have the decency to reply to your messages. I would feel hurt too.

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    Poor thing! It's sad when you come to a realisation about someone you thought was a friend.
    I think you have done all you need to. You tried to reach out and communicate several times, got nowhere and have now hit delete. Stick with your decision and focus on positive reciprocal relationships - and people who at least value an RSVP when they get an invitation!

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    I know exactly how you feel. It really sux. It isn't until you look back on the friendship that you realise how one sided it was and how used you actually were.
    My ex best friend of over10 years was awesome at the time. But like your friend I was always the one agreeing with what she wanted to do or go where she wanted to go. She would get upset if she didn't get her way and make me feel bad if I did things with other friends without her knowledge. It wasn't until I got married and moved interstate that we drifted. Same thing happened, after a year or so she stopped returning my calls or replying to my texts. The icing on the cake was when I saw her wedding photos on Facebook through a mutual friend who then blocked me from seeing them after she realised I had seen them. That's what hurt me the most knowing as she was my maid of honour at mine. There was no real reason why she stopped talking to me maybe it was because I wasn't there whenever she wanted. Even though it's all unanswered I can look back now and see it was the best thing that has happened as I see how used I was. My mum, other friends and hubby would always tell me to be careful with her but I just only saw the fun side and not the manipulative side. Now I have made better friends who are supportive and loving and I truly appreciate the friendships I have kept from my home town .
    As much as it hurts now it's probably a blessing. Don't think you have done wrong. It's her loss.

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    It's really hard when a friendship ends and I know exactly how you are feeling at the moment.

    I lost a very good friend last year when she didn't attend my DS birthday and I never heard from her again. She was pulling away before this but it was the nail in the coffin for me when she didn't show. She had only met him around twice before this - and apparently she was my best friend!

    My DH and I had a discussion about friends the other day. His theory is that "some" friendships are based on a 20/80 ratio. So you give yourself 80% and they only give you 20% - to him that's ok and that's just the way it is sometimes. (He is definitely a giver in all aspects of life)

    But to me? Well sometimes I think why bother? (Not in all cases but when it's constant it's just exhausting)
    It's a very hard acceptance when you have lost a friend and I still blame myself a lot of the time.


 

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