I am having a really hard time figuring out what to do this Mothers Day.. Last year I fell pregnant on Mothers Day weekend and that pregnancy ended in a missed miscarriage - my angel baby would have been three months old now.
Then I fell again in December with twins and miscarried again at the end of January - not quite sure why but it could have been a subchorionic haematoma this time. I would be 20 weeks pregnant now.
Anyway, every year we do a Mothers Day breakfast for my Mum and my sister, with her husband and two little kids, my DH and my step-son - but this year I just don't think I can face it. Mothers Day is just bringing up too many emotions and overwhelming grief that I've had two chances to be a mother in the last year and have lost my babies both times.
All I want to do is crawl into a hole and howl for the day, I don't want to even acknowledge the day at all - but I know my family will think I'm weak and selfish if I can't put my emotions aside and just get on with the day. They will say that it's not about me, it's about honouring my Mum (who I have a lot of trouble with anyway - she is Borderline Personality Disorder and is very hard to deal with) - but I just don't want to put myself through it.
I do a lot with my family, even when I don't always want to, and I just feel like I need space on that particular day to grieve the way I need to. Is it too much to ask that I opt out for just this once? I am happy to give my Mum a gift and take her out another time - but I just don't want to sit and play happy families when I'm dying inside....