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  1. #1
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    Default Planning to move and not tell mum until new house bought

    I think i have decided to not actually tell my mum that we are getting the house on the market and plan to be moved about 40 minutes away from her by the end of the year. 40 minutes may not see that far, but in my controlling mothers world - its just as bad as moving to a different state. Especially now that we have DS and another on the way, She will see this as me tearing her grandchildren away from her. I recently had terrible trouble with a evil neighbor we have... things got so bad i had to get a intervention order on the crazy cow. When i mentioned to my mum back then that I want us to sell and move, she told me to stop being stupid. Mind you if my mother was in my position she wouldn't cope anywhere near as well as i did in it. My relationship with my mum is ****. She's manipulative, controlling, *****y. She has double standards. I am sick to death of dealing with her. She lives 5 mins away. Just how she likes it. The reason why i am questioning if i should or shouldn't tell her our plans to sell and move asap ... is because she will go off her head, it will break out into a massive fight. She will most likely use DS as a weapon to guilt trip me because she wont be able to see him as often. I am presuming this all will happen because i know exactly how she works. She only thinks about herself and screw everyone else. She knows I am miserable in the area we live, but she gets extremely angry with me when i mention i want to move. Even if i move 10 mins away from her... she gets mad. We moved to this area originally because mum said step dad and her will give us $10,000 towards our first home if we move down to their area. DH hated being told where to live, but at the time the reality was we couldn't afford anywhere else. We were living at the Inlaws house... so desperately wanted to get out of there and get our own place. But now nearly 5 years later, we have more money.... we can afford to live somewhere we choose now. Do you think it's wrong of me to plan to not tell my mum? Or after the poor treatment over the years she has no right to know? I don't want to bore you all with all the details, but she has been crap to me. So i just want to move away and start a fresh for our family. Plus it will be right near DH's work. Right now he is traveling almost an hour back and forth and he has to start at 6am. LOL once when i mentioned that to mum she said "So what, life doesn't revolve around his work" she just wants to have the last say on everything i do and i really need to break that cycle now. But because they gave us $10,000 towards this house do you think I owe it to her to let her know we're planning to move? It will mean she will work hard at trying to bully me to change my mind and then make me change DH's mind. So the reason why i wasn't going to tell her was so we could just organise it in peace. What are your thoughts?
    Last edited by Serenity Love; 08-04-2014 at 14:39.

  2. #2
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    I definitely wouldn't tell her given the situation. You need to look after yourself first, and that includes from her crap.

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    Move and be happy Bugger what she thinks.
    I would tell her I was moving but its not up for discussion. If she has a fit ignore it, if she brings your children into it tell her to grow up.

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    Tell her once you have found the house you love and have paperwork in place. That way you can just say we are moving to this house on x date.
    Your mum shouldn't get a say in what you do with your family.
    I understand the pressure you feel though it's hard but stay strong and so what is best for your family!

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    How long have you been in the house? Will you make a profit on it?

    I personaly would sell the house and give the $10,000 back. The worse thing with a controlling person is feeling like they have something over you.

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    Do you think she will use the money she gave you as a way to try and blackmail you?

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    Quote Originally Posted by CazHazKidz View Post
    How long have you been in the house? Will you make a profit on it?

    I personaly would sell the house and give the $10,000 back. The worse thing with a controlling person is feeling like they have something over you.
    Exactly this.

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    @Blessed Be I agree with @maco I would wait till the paper work is done then tell her. It is defiantly sounds like the right move for your family. Esp if it's close to hubby work and a nicer neighbourhood. If she does throw a fit just ignore her and tell her to stop thinking about herself. Hope it all works out for you

  11. #9
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    My mother is exactly like this she even bought an investment house 5 mins walk away for us to live in. Six years ago we moved over 10 hours away to a mining town for work they didn't think we would last and wouldn't cope without them. We have since built our own house, two brand new four wheel drives had a third child and pregnant with our fourth. When we were looking at buying a house they tried to talk us into renting not buying, they always told us not to buy new cars as they are a waste of money they loose their value too quick it always seemed they didn't want us to achieve if you know what I mean. She was extremely controlling with my son (eldest) interfering as to even to the medication he was on she would say to him when he was 11 years old you need hugs not drugs, those exact words! When he got in trouble with the police I got a phone call to say don't be too hard on him he's just a boy! Anyway when I moved away and wasn't as close I could see just how manipulative and controlling she was, she still sees my son he's almost 17 this month he flys on some holidays to stay with her, but I haven't spoken to her, my dad or brother as she has all them under her spell it's been on and off not talking but not talking anymore for about 3 years now. She's never met her third grandchild doesn't send him presents for his birthday Easter etc and doesn't talk to her second grandchild who was 3 when we moved. Sorry bout the essay but in saying all that it was the best thing we ever did was to move away, it really opened my eyes to how controlling she actually is. I feel if we didn't move away my husband and I would be divorced by now and we wouldn't be as happy as we are right now and we definitely wouldn't have had a third let alone fourth child. So I say move it's your life not hers you won't regret it.

  12. #10
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    I personally don't think you should move without telling. It's a little like you're "running away" from the problem. It can also then give her extra things to give you grief over at a later date.

    Just tell her. The only way she can actually make you stay is by forcibly locking you up. If you are resolved to move, then there is nothing she can say to make you stay. Whatever she does say, let it wash over you, because you know that you are making the right decision.

    As for her comment about your DH's travelling times and the betterment of your children, retaliate by saying that moving to a place that is further away IS for the betterment of your family as it will mean more time your family to spend together as a unit.

    Her guilt is not yours. You need to remember that. If you are feeling guilt, then make sure you first give back the money they gave you and, then after a little while, say you're moving. Both together may seem a little vindictive and fuel the fire she seems ready to keep fanning for her own sake.

    At the end of the day, the decision is yours. Just do what is right for your immediate family and the rest will (hopefully) fall into place. If not, the responsibility for it not working is on other people - not you.


 

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