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  1. #91
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    Thanks ladies. More fool me for staying. I just hope I can work up the strength to leave sooner rather then later. Like I said it's not like he treats me horrible, it's the complete opposite and he is an amazing father.
    I also worry it's that I won't find anyone else or be happy again. I often wonder if it's me. I can be such a moody b!tch who would want to put up with me. But anywho.... Sorry for derailing.

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  3. #92
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    Quote Originally Posted by jesssalee View Post
    I'm going to be flamed for this , but whatever

    In my opinion, cheating can often be symptomatic of other, deeper problems in a relationship - not all the time, but a lot of the time. If my husband cheated on me, it wouldn't be a deal breaker. We have a life, a son and another child on the way, and we love each other. That being said, if he wasn't willing to do everything I needed for me to feel confident in our relationship again, weather that be counselling, giving me his email/ phone password, telling me where he is at all times, whatever, that would be a deal breaker.

    I honestly feel like, unless you are in a dangerous situation, if both people want to work on a problem, a marriage can be salvaged. If only one is willing to put in that work, it's over, but if you both want to put in the effort, you can regain love, trust or anything else.
    Just my opinion
    Thank you. After the initial shock wore off and I had smashed a heap of possessions and lost 6kg in 10 days, after I had ranted and cried and stayed up for 3 days straight, I started to read books written by psychologists and marriage counsellors, this was how I saw it too.

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  5. #93
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    Sure DF could cheat on me but I know him and I highly doubt that would ever happen. If I walked around thinking about all the what ifs I would go insane.
    If he did cheat on me I don't know if it would be the end. If you devastate me and I would lose trust and confidence in him and our relationship. But depending on the situation I may consider staying if we worked on the relationship.
    I don't think most mean cheat. Yes there are jerks out there who do but I don't believe most men are like that.

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  7. #94
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    Quote Originally Posted by waterlily View Post
    I was always naive enough to say my husband would never cheat on me because he loved me so much blah blah. Well he did. I kicked him out and first and then stayed, I'm not going to lie I stayed mostly out of obligation. It's been a couple of years now and I'm still as miserable in my marriage as the day I found out. If it wasn't for the 2 kids and house id be long gone. I've tried to leave as few times but he just refuses to leave the house and I have no where to go. I know he loves me and the kids but it's too late.
    My heart goes out to you@Waterlily. I know where you're at. Really appreciate you sharing.

  8. #95
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    Quote Originally Posted by peanutmonkey View Post
    You said exactly what I was thinking. I am glad my parents split up. I am glad my mum stopped turning a blind eye to my dads cheating. Let me just say that her staying for as long as she did (they split for good when I was 16) are a big part of some of the personal trust issues I have myself.

    Would you want your daughter to stay with a man who does anything but put her happiness before his own urges? Do you want her to think cheating is a normal part of life she needs to accept? They're the type of questions I would ask myself if DH ever cheated on me. (Well sort of, as I only have sons not daughters)

    Sent from my GT-I9505 using The Bub Hub mobile app
    That's the kicker. I think that it may be normal for men to cheat. It may be that expecting fidelity is unrealistic. I just don't know anymore.

    We are very pleasant to each other in front of the children. We function well by appearances and my DH is a very attentive father and a good example of being domestically helpful too. Not that washing etc are "my" jobs, but he does his fair share willingly and I think that's a great example to our children.
    Maybe they will never find out that he cheated- certainly not from me until they are at least 25, if ever. I don't know.
    No, I would hate to see my children go through this. Absolutely hate it.

  9. #96
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    Quote Originally Posted by LotusMum View Post
    Oh @waterlily your story is exactly why I was determined to leave when my husband cheated on me, that and what @peanutmonkey said. I could not role model an unhealthy relationship for my daughters. I wanted better than that for my girls.
    I left, got happy and healthy, and met the perfect man for me and now not only am I in a great and respectful relationship but am showing my kids what one looks like.

    Sent from my C6603 using The Bub Hub mobile app
    So pleased to read this good story.

  10. #97
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    I would believe the statistic for men being unfaithful is pretty high. DH is very open with me and is often telling me about this mate or that who is cheating, including brothels, picking up at night clubs and mistresses. Before I met him he used to play for a country VFL team and said that they'd go for their end-of-season trip to the city and "what happened on the trip stayed on the trip", most of the men were married and most would shag anything with a pulse for the whole trip away. He said it really jaded him about relationships (that and his partner at the time was a serial cheater).

    I also know how many married/partnered men I have had hit on me over the years. In my young, single days I had a one night stand with a man who was engaged at the time and another who I suspect had a long-term girlfriend (based on photos on the wall at his house) but I didn't care to ask (or ever see him again).

    DH and I both highly value fidelity and I hope that he will always be faithful to me and plan to with him. He has just started working away and I could not bear it if I didn't feel a high level of trust.

    So is it common for men to cheat? Yes.

    Is it acceptable to cheat/unrealistic to ask for fidelity? No.

    I believe we need to raise the bar of acceptance. We should not stand for it. We should not take them back. We should not make excuses for them. I believe the reason many men cheat is because they can, simple as that.

    ETA: I don't mean this last part as an attack on your decision. It's more a 'society/women in general' early morning, not enough coffee sort of rant.
    Last edited by Stretched; 07-04-2014 at 09:18.

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  12. #98
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    Quote Originally Posted by made2bAmummy View Post
    That's the kicker. I think that it may be normal for men to cheat. It may be that expecting fidelity is unrealistic. I just don't know anymore.
    I think many of us believe it isn't normal, nor the norm and most certainly not unrealistic. But I believe it's common bc society tells men these things - men need sex so cheat if they don't get it, men can't help themselves, men are sexual creatures. And we as women reinforce these excuses so men think it's ok. We are part of the problem, bc it makes it easier to stay if we tell ourselves all men just can't be faithful.

    I hold DH to the same standard he holds me to - to not cheat and not surprisingly he is completely faithful. It's only 'normal' if you allow it to be normal.

    eta - I'm not criticising your decision to stay, I certainly wouldn't but that's your choice. I'm simply challenging your opinions that men cannot be faithful and it's stupid to expect they can be. I think telling yourself this stuff justifies staying with him, rather than it being universally true.
    Last edited by delirium; 07-04-2014 at 08:51.

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  14. #99
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    Quote Originally Posted by peanutmonkey View Post
    Would you want your daughter to stay with a man who does anything but put her happiness before his own urges? Do you want her to think cheating is a normal part of life she needs to accept? They're the type of questions I would ask myself if DH ever cheated on me. (Well sort of, as I only have sons not daughters)
    A little off topic, but with regards to people wanting to be good role models for their daughters - while I do agree with this, I think it's just as important for sons to see what kind of behaviour isn't acceptable in a relationship. I couldn't stay with a partner who wasn't teaching our son to be a good husband and father.

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  16. #100
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    Quote Originally Posted by deku View Post
    A little off topic, but with regards to people wanting to be good role models for their daughters - while I do agree with this, I think it's just as important for sons to see what kind of behaviour isn't acceptable in a relationship. I couldn't stay with a partner who wasn't teaching our son to be a good husband and father.
    That is the point I was trying to make, I dont think I articulated it well so early in the morning LOL.

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