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  1. #1
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    Default #3 bub and unhappy dad

    Hi all.

    I really need to talk/vent to someone. Sorry if this is too long.

    So here's my background. I found out I was pregnant with ds1 at 16. DP and I both had no job, no car, no license, no money but we did have great family support from both sides. DP ended up getting a great job that paid well. Our families chipped in with buying the baby things and everything went better than I could have imagined.

    Just before my 18th I found out I was pregnant with ds2. That was another surprise but a good one! We were in a great financial position. DP had got his license, he was working and earning great money and we had just bought a car.
    Then the day I went in to labour, DP got made redundant because there was not enough work around.

    Fast forward to now and we are still struggling. Ds1 is 2.5yo and ds2 is 11mo. DP has been in and out of work this whole past year. He is currently working days here and there. We are in 8k worth of debt and times are really tough. We pay half rent with my dad who works away and sometimes I even struggle to afford nappies and food!

    To top it off I just found out last Wednesday I am pregnant with #3. (I was taking microlut mini pill as I'm currently breastfeeding but it messer with my emotions and I was a complete mess.) I didn't want to tell DP when I found out. When I finally did, he asked me what we were going to do about it. I said I didn't know. He then proceeded to tell me that he wanted me to get a termination because it would be selfish to bring a baby into this world that we couldn't afford, when we already have two kids to think about. He said he would give me a week to make a decision on what we were going to do.

    I know in my heart that keeping this baby is what I need to do. I thought about having a termination and I would be one of those women who yearn for years and years to have their baby back. DP doesn't understand. I'm just selfish and I have no idea what I'm about to put this family through etc. He told me he isn't going to buy this baby anything and that we aren't going to get a bigger car to accommodate this child because we can't afford to and he refuses to go into anymore debt.

    The sad thing is, that he is actually making me feel so guilty. I'm questioning my decision again, based on his happiness because I do love him.

    I just don't know what to do anymore.

  2. #2
    bunkx's Avatar
    bunkx is offline Being happy doesn't mean that everything is perfect. It means that you've decided to look beyond the imperfections
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    Hugs

    If you're not a 100 % about having a termination Don't I had one about 9.5 years ago and not a single day goes by where I don't think about my baby :-(

    I'm not saying don't have one if that's what you feel is 100% right, just don't allow someone to bully you into that situation because chances are you with regret it and it will mess with you.

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  4. #3
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    If you have a termination when, in your heart, you do not feel it is the right thing to do, you will without a doubt regret it for the rest of your life. If you don't want to terminate then you need to find a way to raise this baby.

    Your hubby is understandably shocked and worried. Financial insecurity is a horrible place to be, very stressful and can lead to the breakdown of relationships. You need to acknowledge this and let your hubby know his concerns are valid. If your hubby is really stressed it might help him if you have a plan as to how you are going to financially cope. I know when I am stressed, sticky note lists of things to do really help calm me down. Some ideas:
    - draw up a new budget. Cut expenses where you can (can you cut pay TV, downsize your house etc?), and factor in government assistance.
    - contraception. You both really need to take responsibility and get this sorted otherwise you will continue to find yourself in strife. Would you consider an IUD? Would your partner consider a vascectomy? I know it's too late for this time, but Having a robust plan for the future may help with hubby's anxiety.
    - can you get a part time job at night or on the weekend to help with the money (eg stocking shelves at a supermarket). This may help reduce some of the financial stress that your partner feels.

    Best of luck
    Last edited by VicPark; 05-04-2014 at 09:46.

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  6. #4
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    headoverfeet is offline The truth will set you free, but first it will **** you off. -Gloria Steinem
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    This is such a hard position to be in you have already been given some great advice by Vic Park and bunkx. I just wanted to chime in and say that you need to make a choice based on what you can live with long term, if your DP is very against another baby than you may well have raising the baby/children on your own in the horizon. You need to tell him about your feelings regarding a termination, I do not believe that you should go ahead with one if you do not want too and you need to have a grown up conversation about it or this may break your relationship. I would suggest counselling if you can get him to go along.

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  8. #5
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    He's probably in shock, however, you didn't get pregnant by yourself. I think it's really unfair of him to put it all back on you. Could you give him more time and then try to talk to him about it again ? Do you think some counselling would help ?

    I understand about stressing out about the financial side of things. We found ourselves unexpectedly pregnant with #4 when our third was only 5 months old. We had to upgrade our car which meant going in to debt. We're going to have to move in to a bigger house eventually.

    I was realllllly not happy about having another baby so close to #3 but like you I couldn't consider a termination. I think you will only regret a child that you didn't have, not one you do. Things might be hard for a while but you'll make it work if that's what you want.

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  10. #6
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    As others have said - if you're not 100% sure about termination, don't do it. It has the potential to haunt you for the rest if your life.
    As another thought, adoption is always an option. You could give it time, who knows what could happen in the next few months, but if you both decide you cannot afford to raise this child then adoption may be the answer. This at least gives you more time to make a decision.

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  12. #7
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    I agree with Vicpark. Unfortunately you've found yourself in a pretty crap situation.

    You're 19, pregnant with your third child with yourself and your partner unemployed, in debt and struggling to afford basic living costs. It's not ideal.

    However I don't think termination is the answer especially if it's something that your very much against.

    However you do need to sit down with your partner and work out a budget, and figure out what exactly your going to do about employment. Also definitely need to sort out the contraception, even with 2 children the situation isn't ideal. If the pill doesn't work for you, then you need to either use condoms or get something longterm like an implanon or a mirena.

    You also need to discuss whats going to happen if you choose to continue with the pregnancy - is going to leave you, is he going to support you, what plans do you have in place if he doesn't find employment?

    Best of luck.

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  14. #8
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    Thanks for all the replies. I know my post is quite a novel.

    Well after our huge argument last night, he finally woke up at 9.30am. He has apologised to me and told me that he loves me but that's it. Nothing else has been said.

    I'm hoping he will come around to the idea. I think after ds2 was born he may actually have pnd?

    Everything happens for a reason and I know that even if it came down to it, I could raise these kids on my own. If I had too!

    I'm trying to set myself up for the future now, I'm looking to enrol into a course online with vet fee help. So that when I do get a job, I will at least be able to make some descent money. Unfortunately right now is not an ideal time for me to get a job.

    As for birth control, I spoke to my doctor yesterday and she said I would be an ideal candidate for that bar that goes in your arm? I can't remember the correct name for it. I also know DP would be willing to get a vasectomy too.

    Times are going to be tough for a while but I know in the long term, i will be able to do it. I just have to focus all my positive energy into building this family up again. I'm only young, I have plenty of time.

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    Good luck. As the saying goes: head down bum up!

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  17. #10
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    Quote Originally Posted by glittertg View Post
    As for birth control, I spoke to my doctor yesterday and she said I would be an ideal candidate for that bar that goes in your arm? I can't remember the correct name for it. I also know DP would be willing to get a vasectomy too.
    Implanon.

    Don't know if they'd do a vasectomy on a guy so young, even though he already has 3 kids.

    Quote Originally Posted by glittertg View Post
    I'm only young, I have plenty of time.
    You're also about to have 3 children. Time to stop playing the "I'm young" card and be an adult.

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