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  1. #1
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    Default Serious Daddy issues (warning really long post/vent)

    So I really just need to write this out and maybe get a bit of advice. Its such a long story I will try to bullet point it so noone is here all night - if anyone makes it to the end - thankyou sincerely for taking the time.

    So I am an only child and my parents divorced when I was 16. I went monthly between each parent (one month at one house one at the other) until I was 21 and went to live overseas. I kept in contact with both my parents by email and phone. About a year of me living overseas my dad emailed me that he had met someone online and was truly madly deeply. A couple of months after that he emailed me that they had gotten engaged.

    I was on a 2 year visa and returned home a month before their wedding. I met my new stepmother, we got along pretty well and a couple of months later I met my future DH and after he asked me to marry him things went really pear shaped...

    * The engagement was the worst. I wanted no party but was arranging a dinner for both our immediate families to meet. Was just planning a BBQ. Mu mum offered to pay for everyone but wanted it at a certain restaurant as they would do a per head dinner at a price ($40 pp) and she could budget for it. As she had offered to pay for it I thought it only fair she pick the restaurant - I did not realise she proceeded to call my dad and ask him to pay half. He then deemed mum got to pick the restaurant and the food and he had no choice but had to pay half. I understood but he didnt seem to acknowlesge that I had nothing to do with it. Mum offered to help me as I was working and studying full time and was super busy.

    * Step mother acted appalling at the restaurant wouldnt make eye contact and actually sulked... she refused to order anything as she didnt like any of it and then order the steak 'very well done.' The whole table heard this she then proceeded to pick at the streak and declare it was burnt and she wouldnt eat it. The next day she sent me an email saying it was a 'lovely night but she hoped I wouldnt serve crap food at the wedding like I did at the dinner.' I wrote an email back offering to invite them to the tasting and that Filet steak was a difficult one to cook well done and I would make sure there was a better cut if she prefered it cooked that way.

    * My dad than proceeds to write a really mean email declaring that stepmother has her steak rare and that I should be more respectful. Then proceeded to have a go at me that stepmum had treated me like a daughter and I refused to treat her as a mother and take her dress shopping or get ready at their house before the wedding (keep in mind I had known her only a year). That I was deliberately leaving them out and that I had to think of a way to make them feel more included or they wouldnt come.

    - At this point I want to add that both my mum and dad had offered to go halves in the reception to a point $3000 each. Anything else hubby and I paif for. I tried to include them in the reception organisation but my dad plays a sport that saw him travel around nsw almost every weekend and step mum studied most evenings and a saturday. Between that and my study they only came to one viewing and dad declared he trusted my judgement when I found a place. Everything else DH and I did on our own weeknights.

    * I asked my dad if he was ok for mum and him to walk me down the aisle as it had been my dream - he said ok but a week before the wedding declared he wanted to be the only one walking me down. That he refused to play 'happy families' When I offered for each to walk me half way he fought it to the very end not seeing I couldnt possibly oull that off my mum as she was so happy with it. In hindsight I should not have done this but we were getting along so welll at the time I could not dreamed things could have taken a turn like this.

    * Fast forward to the day - dad refused to get ready at my mums house and until I was halfway down the aisle had no idea if he came. My stepmother had a sour look on her face which she had for every photo she was in and dad refused to have any photo with me without her in it...effectivly all my photos with my dad were ruined. Outside the church stepmum tried to have a fight with my mum declaring loudly 'I hope your happy with the weddin' - thankfully my mum walked away.

    * After the wedding I had a cousins wedding 2 months later step mum made a pint of ignoring me even when I spoke to her and would walk away if she was speaking to people and I walked up.

    * My father then avoided seeing us for a year - I called to let him know I was pregnant with my first. He asked to meet with me and declared that step mum was still unhappy with events of the wedding and could I have a meeting with her and sort things through. I was six moths pregnant at the time and suffering high blood pressure. I told my dad I was happy to let bygons be bygons but I was not up for an altercation with her and that if my dad and I could move past the events of the wedding she should be able to.

    * I had my DS and they came to the hospital unannouced when my mum and aunty were there and proceeded to ignore everyone not saying hi. Stepmum insisted on a hold but looked out the window and refused to talk or make eye contact.

    * I texted my dad every few weeks asking if we could catch up as I really wanted at least him tobe a oart of his granchuildrens life. Out of nowhere he picked a date a week before - wee had plans but cancelled them as this is the first effort he had made. He hasnt seen me or the kids since - hasnt met his granddaughter who is 8 months - hasnt seen his grandson in 2 years.

    * He texts me on everyones birthday but doesnt send a card or anything for his grandchildren.

    * Its coming up to four years since the wedding and im getting to the point of cutting him off or not. Every few weeks/months I text some dates we are free and if he has any of them free and he just ignores my texts and call or says he will talk to step mum and get some dates and never gets back to me.

    * I feel like I should cut him off - even though I am 100% step mum is pulling the strings and giving ultimatums and he just doesnt have the balls to stand up for himself or me even for the sake of the grandchildren he so desperately wanted.

    What would you do - I cant meet up with him as he wont get back to me and he wont take my calls I am thinking of sending an email telling him I love him but having me and my children ignored hurts too much so I would rather part on my terms. I just keep hoping time may heal but I guess not...

  2. #2
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    Aww hun families really are tricky at times aren't they.
    I would definately send him an email and tell him exactly how you are feeling that way he knows and what he decides to do with that will then make it clearer for you.
    Your step mum cant get his emails though can she?

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  4. #3
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    Wow what a selfish pair ! You poor thing I might send him an email and tell him how hurt etc you are and that he knows where you are if he wants to make contact with you. Put the ball in his court.

    Actually if I was in your situation I'd just stop contacting him.

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  6. #4
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    Quote Originally Posted by cluckcluck View Post
    Wow what a selfish pair ! You poor thing I might send him an email and tell him how hurt etc you are and that he knows where you are if he wants to make contact with you. Put the ball in his court.

    Actually if I was in your situation I'd just stop contacting him.
    I agree!! OP you have done & made more effort than most.

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  8. #5
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    I think your stepmum is destructive, dysfunctional and nasty.

    She falls neatly into the Im married to a man who has had a previous life before me and if I act nasty enough they all go away and I can have him to myself category. Sound familiar ?

    And your dad has no balls and won't stand up to her in order to have a good relationship with you.

    Let em walk....

    They already have...

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  10. #6
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    Do you know where they live? What if you just showed up there one Sunday arvo with the kids?
    He would probably be so happy and she would be so shocked she wouldn't know what to say! And she'd not be able to sabotage it, could be a good way to just jump right in??

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  12. #7
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    A few points:
    * did your mum/you apologise for ambushing your dad regarding the engagement party? I would be ****ed if I was your dad (being expected to pay) and this could be why your immature dad/step mum had the sulks..
    * The steak story doesn't make sense... She ordered it well done but your dad said she likes it rare?
    * why didn't you pay for your engagement party/the reception? The moment you let parents give you big chunks of money you are letting them have a vote... A recipe for disaster. Lesson for the future: pay your own way and don't give your parents a vote on important issues in YOUR life.(I've learned this through experience with meddling parents!).
    * if I was your dad I wouldn't get ready for your wedding at your mums house either! Who asked him to do that? That sounds bloody uncomfortable..and unreasonable.
    * perhaps you are ready too much into your step mums body language? This suggests that you were likely cranky with her ahead of said incidents ... Perhaps she is a naturally grumpy person...
    * if you want your dad to visit you don't give him options of dates. Have a specific date in mind and give him a specific invite. It's harder for him to knock you back then.


    In summary your dad and step mum sound immature and self centred. That being said I think they may have been provoked somewhat (immature people react easily to stuff). Apologise where needed and then don't bring things up again: nothing will come from tit for tat back and forth he said she said conversations.
    Last edited by VicPark; 04-04-2014 at 18:20.

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  14. #8
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    Good lord I understand he is your Dad, but he is hardly acting like a grown man. He and your SM ruined the wedding by being so childish and vindictive, not you and certainly not your mum.

    Personally I would be sending him a text or calling him saying that all this division is on him and his wife, and if he isn't going to act like an adult, you no longer want a relationship with him or his horrible wife.

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    Quote Originally Posted by VicPark View Post
    A few points:

    * The steak story doesn't make sense... She ordered it well done but your dad said she likes it rare?
    She sounds like an immature drama queen to me. Probably deliberately ordered it very well done so she could then complain on what a poor choice the OP's mother made in restaurants. She sounds like one of those women that is jealous of the 'first' wife and will constantly compete and try to deride them to gain control of their husband and people's sympathy.

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  18. #10
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    You don't need this sort of negative energy in your life, tell him how you feel and just leave them be... You've tried more than enough. It's emotionally draining always being let down

    So sad when kids suffer due to parents splitting up -even as adults. Parents never happy with Xmas etc. I had this growing up and so did my husband. Still the same actually...

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