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  1. #141
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    What a horrible man, but if they break up the children will automatically go to his mothers when he has to fifo and nobody wants that she sounds just like her son. Good luck with taming that one.

  2. #142
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    Quote Originally Posted by ZAK View Post


    Please plan before you leave.

    I think you already know what type of man your husband is. You're going to endup with a fist in your mouth one day otherwise.

    I am disappointed with some hubbers excusing that email and his behaviour. When are people going to stop excusing domestic violence?

    As someone who left aviolent relationship, I do advise you to plan carefully. I did not find the dv services helpful at all. If you have any questions, feel free to.ask.

    It soubds like what you are seeking is for people to tell you that you're not crazy, this is not normal, and there is someone in your corner.

    Well, here it is: You're not crazy,

    This is not normal.

    I'm in your corner.

    But the decision is ultimately yours .
    Hands down the best piece of advice you've received on this thread.

    I have no doubt you are in a DV situation from what you have described. It will only get worse. Watch this
    https://www.ted.com/talks/leslie_mor...ms_don_t_leave
    It was posted in one of the other threads on TED talks... It's informative.

    Find support. Tell everyone, anyone. Show people the email. Tell them what he does. DV relies on secrecy.

    Most of all TAKE CARE. Xx

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  4. #143
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    Quote Originally Posted by RipperRita View Post
    Hands down the best piece of advice you've received on this thread.

    I have no doubt you are in a DV situation from what you have described. It will only get worse. Watch this
    https://www.ted.com/talks/leslie_mor...ms_don_t_leave
    It was posted in one of the other threads on TED talks... It's informative.

    Find support. Tell everyone, anyone. Show people the email. Tell them what he does. DV relies on secrecy.

    Most of all TAKE CARE. Xx
    Watched it :-(

    Sent from my LG-D802T using The Bub Hub mobile app

  5. #144
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    Quote Originally Posted by RipperRita View Post
    Keep the email.
    I agree, might want evidence in the future! I haven't been following this thread until this morning but have to say I feel quite sick inside that this attitude still exists. I have my own struggles with my DP - he works hard and I appreciate all he does for us, but unlike OP I would like to work, I'm no good at the house work stuff, it's just not me - I gave up work 7 years ago when DD was born as we both wanted her to have a full time parent (parent, not housekeeper). Now we also have 4.5 year old and another on the way and I'm petrified that I will never be able to get a decent job again. My DP probably does think I could run the house better, be more productive (I hate housework and our house is big), but lordy lordy if he ever said anything like that email!! This is 2014, a SAHP is not a housekeeper/*****! Sorry if I'm being too harsh, probably pregnancy hormones not helping but honestly this attitude makes me feel sick. Where's the partnership?

  6. #145
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    Quote Originally Posted by Trusty Chords View Post
    I just read the email and I think he makes a valid point... That while you rely on his money you belong to him... I'm not saying that's right but I think it's all the more reason you should better yourself and find some independence should one day you want to leave and you can't actually stand on your own without his help...

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    OMG are you for real??? Is this a joke or did we flip back to 1950 while I was asleep?????

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  8. #146
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    Just read most recent message from OP. Are you here on permanent residence visa? Do your children have Australian citizenship? I haven't got around to getting my citizenship but my PR visa entitles me to everything I would have as a citizen except voting. I think you need to really investigate your rights to obtain citizenship, without his sponsorship. Obviously things are a lot worse than your original post implied. This is Australia not Saudi Arabia. Women have rights in this country. I know my PR visa was approved automatically because DP is Australian and we had a child together. Personally, I think your priority is to figure out where you stand in Australia without him. If he is away from home for 5 weeks at a time you have time to start looking into your options. If you realise you need more time, perhaps you could act like you are trying to find a job? Although personally with a man that controlling I would be nervous about leaving my child with the MIL.
    Good luck.

  9. #147
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    Quote Originally Posted by Freyamum View Post
    OMG are you for real??? Is this a joke or did we flip back to 1950 while I was asleep?????
    I hope you read on from this poster. You would have seen that she was meaning that the op should become financially/career independent from her husband. This poster had been in a similar position, and while she didn't agree with what was happening, it is a fact that the op is reliant in her DH for money to survive. The longer she is out of the workforce, the harder it may be to get back in, depending on her career.

    Trustychords was jot meaning the op "belonged" to her husband and that she should do anything for him. She meant the op needs to get out and make herself independent of him.

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  11. #148
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    Thanks yes I read that bit later was just a bit shocked at the idea of the bread winner 'owning' their partner! I can understand the warning to women to stay independent and it's a personal struggle I have mentally to be financially dependent but my dp in no way owns me. We are a partnership. His pay goes straight into our joint account if he tried to control the money just because he earned it our relationship would not work at all. Personally I feel uncomfortable and vulnerable at times not earning but I am contributing to our family unit by looking after the kids while he works. I could have refused to give up work as an insurance policy in case things went sour but I chose to have some faith in our family. Although this is a personal struggle I don't feel women should feel less relevant to society or important and independent in their home just because they aren't the one earning the $$$

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  13. #149
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    Quote Originally Posted by Freyamum View Post
    Thanks yes I read that bit later was just a bit shocked at the idea of the bread winner 'owning' their partner! I can understand the warning to women to stay independent and it's a personal struggle I have mentally to be financially dependent but my dp in no way owns me. We are a partnership. His pay goes straight into our joint account if he tried to control the money just because he earned it our relationship would not work at all. Personally I feel uncomfortable and vulnerable at times not earning but I am contributing to our family unit by looking after the kids while he works. I could have refused to give up work as an insurance policy in case things went sour but I chose to have some faith in our family. Although this is a personal struggle I don't feel women should feel less relevant to society or important and independent in their home just because they aren't the one earning the $$$
    You are completely misinterpreting my words. Speaking from experience you are owned by the person who is financially controlling you wether you like it or not. I didn't leave an abusive relationship for years because there is no way I could have fed and kept a roof over my kids head... So I suffered. I don't think it's fair but that's the reality of life. I wish I had set myself up instead of arguing for my feminist rights over the years. Controlling abusive men know when you rely solely on them financially they do own you to some degree. That's why I said it's not right...

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  14. #150
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    And we aren't talking about a relationship of equality we are talking about domestic violence... I wouldn't expect someone to understand if they've never experienced financial control and abuse. You can't compare a regular relationship to this. It's ignorant.

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