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  1. #91
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    I'm going to hazard a guess and say your dh does not value the role of a sahm (did his mum stay home or go to paid employment?) and is a control freak. He knows that you want to be at home with the kids and is therefore devaluing the role with his nasty email and defining what the role is all whilst degrading you and using sexual expectation to do so. I'm just guessing but his behaviour seems to fit a certain, familiar criteria If his email is his typical 'communication style' then I see a huge need for improvement before you can actually have a meaningful conversation about being a sahm.

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  3. #92
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    Let's be realistic though... Does her Dh sound like he would compromise or care? To me no and I honestly can't see longevity in a relationship like this unless you want to live a miserable life.

    I came on here years ago much the same complaining about my high income earning partner... I felt encouraged to stand up to him and eventually walk out years later. This is a man that let his wife and newborn baby sleep on a couch so he could sleep for work. A man who was very emotionally and mentally abusive.

    I spent far to much of my time arguing to change him with little to no avail. When I left you know what I realised... Even with his child support I had considerably less then him and could not even afford to live on my own in the suburb we had live. Because he was a high income earner our cost of living was more... My two choices were to move my kids away from a good community or live in housing commission... Neither of which I'm willing to do.

    I regret fighting for principal aimlessly rather than putting my head down and working towards making myself financially independent.

    And you know what else I realised? While you're living on a tight budget making ends meat as a single mother... It's not hard for him to replace you with someone younger and childless because you are now boring... I thought all my hard work and ethics meant I was not replaceable... Well yeah to a man with no ethics apparently I was and he was far willing to accept a young child free loser who worshipped him over a nagging boring mum.

    It's not nice but sorry that's reality... All reality I woke up to when I realised what I had been doing got me no where...

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  5. #93
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    Quote Originally Posted by Trusty Chords View Post
    Let's be realistic though... Does her Dh sound like he would compromise or care? To me no and I honestly can't see longevity in a relationship like this unless you want to live a miserable life.
    This applies to the Op as well. Both sound equally as inflexible and non-caring about the other. Unless one of them opens their ears the relationship is doomed.

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  7. #94
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    That email sent my jaw to the floor. It sounds like the sort of thing men think is a good idea when they've spent the last 4 weeks only talking to other men, none with any recent female contact or influence. When DH would spend too much time with certain mates, it would bring out his inner douche - nothing as extreme as that email though.

    He's just started 3/1 FIFO living at camp. He loves it! He works 12 hours a day and knows he's getting paid 3x as much as he's ever earnt before. He's raving about the food, that he has time to work out, watch the football on a Friday night and his only responsibility is washing his clothes. I can see the work will become boring, he misses us like his right hand but, for us, it's a 2-3 year temporary situation to set ourselves up with some financial security.

    I also have a year1 child and a baby (10mo) and will be putting them.into paid care to work 2 days per week. Not for him, for me. I go a bit batty not working plus, psychologically it helps both of us - he feels less 'pressure' and I feel like I can spoil myself now and then with 'my' money (all goes in one account etc though).

    We both agree that I should not work more than 2-3 days as, with DH away the kids need me. DH also thinks I should hire a cleaner so I can focus on the kids rather than housework. He is far from a sensitive new-age guy, in fact he can be a total chauvanist at times, but his good outweighs his occasional douchebagness. Comments like those in the OP's DH's email would swing the balance way too far into asshat that I don't know if I could recover from it though!

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    I think other thing people need to realise life is just sometimes unfair... We live in a world where nothing is free. If you want to rely on someone's income to keep income to survive it's important to ask yourself what price do they expect you to pay. Forgetting what's the op's 'right' it is still his income and if he wants to be cruel and control the op with it he can wether it's ethical or not...

    I realised being out of the workforce for 5 years put me at a particular disadvantage personally. I felt entitled to my partner supporting us but at the end of the day feeling entitled didn't mean much when I willingly surrender my financial freedom and independence to rely on him.

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  10. #96
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    When I fell pregnant with dd1, we decided that I would be a sahm until the youngest starts school. I've since changed my mind and plan to return to work sooner, but there is no expectation from him. If he wasn't on the same page as me, I'd consider his reasons, it wouldn't be fair to just dismiss him and vise versa.


    Why does he want you to return to work?

    Although the email is disgusting, I don't think he means that. It sounds like he's resenting being away for 5 weeks at a time while you get to stay at home with the girls. If that was dh & I, I would go back to work if he was willing to find a job that allowed him to be home more often.

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  12. #97
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    Way too stressful for you to be working when he's away full stop. Absolutely no way you would go mental.. Even if he didn't work away and you went back to work would you still have to be his warped definition of a "housewife"? I can't see this man going 50/50 with chores/kids as he is not used to having to.

    If you go back to work I bet your going to have to do that plus everything your doing now.. I don't think he will help you.

    You will just run yourself ragged and you will lose it. Don't do that to yourself sounds hard enough as it is.

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    I should add that I'm fortunate that I can do my job part time and will earn enough to leave money over once childcare is paid for. If I could only work for minimum wage it would not cover childcare costs and I wouldn't bother.

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    Whatever his reason why does he have to be so hateful and rude in a childish email? Why can't he just oh I dunno have a conversation with his wife and just say look I feel this way can we both go to work part time or something..

    (everyone hates their job mate get over it, if I was earning $200,000 I'd do anything and be god dam thankful I have the opportunity to earn that money) oh and he has a wife who is a great mum and keeps their house immaculate sounds like no matter what this man has it's not good enough

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    Quote Originally Posted by redlipsandpearls View Post
    When I fell pregnant with dd1, we decided that I would be a sahm until the youngest starts school. I've since changed my mind and plan to return to work sooner, but there is no expectation from him. If he wasn't on the same page as me, I'd consider his reasons, it wouldn't be fair to just dismiss him and vise versa.


    Why does he want you to return to work?

    Although the email is disgusting, I don't think he means that. It sounds like he's resenting being away for 5 weeks at a time while you get to stay at home with the girls. If that was dh & I, I would go back to work if he was willing to find a job that allowed him to be home more often.
    I agree with this. I think there's more to this than meets the eye.


 

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