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  1. #21
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    Quote Originally Posted by bpac View Post
    What is it about brothers? Seriously? DH is like this with his brother. Seems to take everything he does and says as the law. He worships him. He lives on the other side of the country so it is not too much of an issue.

    I have been in your situation. DH knows my stance on Drugs, but he very very very rarely does them. I know its not a dependent thing. I put my foot down a few years ago and said nope, no way, not ever, and he would sneak behind my back. I wasn't stupid - i knew. It caused massive fights etc. The worst thing i did was bring it up in public, which when i look at it now was not the right way to approach the situation. It made him feel like he was being controlled and treated like a child infront of his friends and family if you know what i mean.

    Anyhoo, i ended up sitting him down one day and told him exactly how i felt, that i hated it, that i hated him sneaking around. His side of things was that he did it soo rarely that it should not be such an issue. We came up with the compromise that he was to tell me - in advance - and tell me exactly what he was taking, how much and at what time. This meant i had time to prepare myself, i knew what was going on and could act if something happened. I also wouldn't drink that night either and DD was not to be there. At all.

    I still hate it, nothing is ever going to change that, but It was not a deal breaker for me so i had to come up with some sort of compromise. If DH gives me warning and i say no not that night because of whatever reason (valid reasons not just i don't want you to) he hasn't.

    Don't know if this helps or not but i have been in your situation and it sucks.
    Thanks for your reply hun.

    Yeah I think I might just do that. It isnt a deal breaker for me either. But I just want him to at least consider my feelings before doing this or at least tell me in advance so I can prepare myself for it.

    It shocked him on how I reacted when he did it. Sadly his brother lives 10 blocks away from us and they see each other on a regular basis and that scares me. I wanna ask him what else he has done with his brother behind my back. But scared he might take it the wrong way.

    He knows I love him to death and dont wanna lose him. But if he pushes me too far he will lose me and the baby.

    How do you cope with it though? It makes me so angry and upset.

  2. #22
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    Quote Originally Posted by Annommous View Post

    ...

    How do you cope with it though? It makes me so angry and upset.
    what makes you angry and upset? The drug use or the deceit about it?

  3. #23
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    Is this your first bub? Is it his? DH grew up ALOT once DD was born.

    It makes me angry and upset too. I really really hate it. I told him recently (when he warned me about a party we are going to next month) that I feel like i am being punished when he does this. Not really by him but by myself. I am so scared that if he takes something and something bad happens that i cant relax and wont drink at the event. Also I dont let DH spend time with DD then next day so thats what i mean by punishing myself. When i said that, he told me he understands the sacrifice i make and that is why he has (including the time next month) only done it twice in the last 4 years (since DD was born).

    The only thing i dont know how to approach is allowing your bub to go with your partner to your brothers unsupervised. I love my BIL, but he is very irresponsible. I trust my DH so i would let DD go with him though. Would i have said that before DD was born? I dont know. They have done some pretty dumb stuff.

    I found that i was more angry and upset when i found out infront of people what he had done or was going to do. It made me feel like a fool. when i know in advance, even though i hate it, it isnt too bad. Still sucks and i cant really enjoy my night but I dont feel like everyone is looking at me thinking "ohhh she doesnt know - what kind of relationship is that" or "she is so controlling etc"

    Does that make sense?

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    More the deceit then anything. I feel so disrespected as a partner. It feels like my opinion means nothing to DP when he is around his brother and that makes me angry and upset. Not so much the drug use. Because I know its a once in a while thing and most of the time it is only weed. So nothing major.

  5. #25
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    Quote Originally Posted by Annommous View Post
    More the deceit then anything. I feel so disrespected as a partner. It feels like my opinion means nothing to DP when he is around his brother and that makes me angry and upset. Not so much the drug use. Because I know its a once in a while thing and most of the time it is only weed. So nothing major.
    I get it, your DP is choosing his brother over you. It feels like betrayal.

  6. #26
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    Quote Originally Posted by bpac View Post
    Is this your first bub? Is it his? DH grew up ALOT once DD was born.

    It makes me angry and upset too. I really really hate it. I told him recently (when he warned me about a party we are going to next month) that I feel like i am being punished when he does this. Not really by him but by myself. I am so scared that if he takes something and something bad happens that i cant relax and wont drink at the event. Also I dont let DH spend time with DD then next day so thats what i mean by punishing myself. When i said that, he told me he understands the sacrifice i make and that is why he has (including the time next month) only done it twice in the last 4 years (since DD was born).

    The only thing i dont know how to approach is allowing your bub to go with your partner to your brothers unsupervised. I love my BIL, but he is very irresponsible. I trust my DH so i would let DD go with him though. Would i have said that before DD was born? I dont know. They have done some pretty dumb stuff.

    I found that i was more angry and upset when i found out infront of people what he had done or was going to do. It made me feel like a fool. when i know in advance, even though i hate it, it isnt too bad. Still sucks and i cant really enjoy my night but I dont feel like everyone is looking at me thinking "ohhh she doesnt know - what kind of relationship is that" or "she is so controlling etc"

    Does that make sense?
    Yeah this is our first baby. I hope he grows up. I dont think I would let DP take baby unsupervised to his brothers place. I dont trust his brother at all. Even though his brother has 2 kids. But I just wont feel safe.

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  8. #27
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    Quote Originally Posted by Annommous View Post
    Yeah this is our first baby. I hope he grows up. I dont think I would let DP take baby unsupervised to his brothers place. I dont trust his brother at all. Even though his brother has 2 kids. But I just wont feel safe.
    Go with your gut. Its not like you have to stick to your decision forever. Things might change in the future. Hopefully it does!

  9. #28
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    Quote Originally Posted by bpac View Post
    I get it, your DP is choosing his brother over you. It feels like betrayal.
    Yes that is it. It does feel like a betrayal. I know blood is blood. But your partner should come above that. But he doesnt seem to get it. I just want him to at least consider my opinion before he jumps for his brother.

  10. #29
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    Your partner might change when your baby is here he might grow up! One could only hope.

  11. #30
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    Yeah I am hoping he does! I love him and really dont wanna lose him because of this.


 

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