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  1. #1
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    Default BFF's and being parents....doesnt seem to be working?

    Hi

    Have anyone been in a similar situation? this has been bugging me for a while so i just wanted to see if this was common or not....(sorry im undercover for this post because i know someone on here) ...

    I have a long time BFF(15years +)...we had our first child at almost the exactly same time etc..we have been through a lot of experiences ( school,uni, lived together, holidayed together, pg together, lots of great times etc)...however oddly for me it seems that gradually since becoming parents i feel less close to her, whereas on paper you would think it would have been the opposite??? has this happened to anyone else??? i cant beleive that being parents seems to have made us drift apart....confusing! often it feels there is a tension between us sometimes about parenting stuff/ relationhsip stuff/ money / husbands etc....ive found myself not really enjoying her company or contact a lot of the time...i feel bad for feeling this way and wish it wasnt...i feel its partly because she has had to work FT so is tired maybe etc...but she seems to have just become negative and angry over the past few years, doesnt like "going out" and works from home mostly so often doesnt interact much "outside"... and seems to find ways to put me down frequently for example... i had a second child shortly after my first as i struggled for 4 years to get pg and was worried i couldnt have anymore....she just found out she is pg againafter a 4 year gap and just wrote in her email to me "well im so glad i waited!!! thank god i didnt have to have a second child so quickly cos i got my fitness completelty back unlike you (she knows ive struggled with my weight a lot) and being pg after a gap actually means the pg is special again not rushed" ....this is the sort of "flavour" of a lot of her emails to me. does that seem a bit "mean"? its ONLY been like this since we had children...i know ppl's lives change dramtically after children but do ppl really change to? have ppl lost close friendships AFTER becoming parents...not just because you parent differently but because they WERE different??? it just seems so wrong that weve drifted....

  2. #2
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    It's sad but it seems that your friend may be jealous of you in some form and putting you down or 'proving' why her choices were the better one are her ways of making herself feel better??

    I feel for you as I've lost my BF of many many years too now that I'm expecting my first in a couple of days. I wish I could offer you more but hugs and I hope you find peace with the situation soon.

  3. #3
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    Sometimes I think this can happen when you have too much in common if that makes sense? Unfortunately she must feel that this means she needs to compare herself to you all the time. It's a shame her insecurities had to go and ruin a perfectly good friendship.

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    My guess would be that she is struggling a bit, whether it be with parenting, pregnancy, work or trying to juggle them all and she is lashing out at you because things aren't too good for her at the moment and she feels safe doing so because your friendship is long and established. There is a saying that those that are acting unlovable often need it the most. From personal experience, I know when I'm struggling I'm short fused, see criticism where there isn't any and often lash out at those I love the most. Maybe she has struggled with motherhood more than you? Women can be very vulnerable around this time. You have a long established friendship and yes, you both may have changed and the friendship might have run its course but I think she deserves the benefit of the doubt and you should see whether it's just a rough patch first.... Xxx

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    There seems to be some competition between you in her mind. You could have a conversation with her telling her that her email hurt you. You could also compliment her on all the things she's good at and does well. She might need a confidence boost? Don't let a long friendship end without trying to solve it first.

  6. #6
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    My BFF has had her first bub recently and I thought we'd be seeing each other a bit more than usual but it's the opposite. She barely responds to my texts and emails and is very closed off. I want to be there for her if she's having a rough time, but it doesn't seem to be working out.

    Are you a SAHM? I just wonder if she's at work out of necessity rather than because she wants to be there so maybe she's jealous of you? Either way it sounds like something's off

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    Hi

    thanks for the replies...yes i agree with what has been mentioned. So yes i think she may be jealous of me working part time as her ft working is out if neccessity due to finances ...and cut a long short her dh has not worked for several years. I get that. And yes i do often think she is not as happy as she seems, she seems to need to point out how great everything is in her life by comparing herself to me at times..hence the put downs whether she us aware of it or not..on a number of occasions over the past few years after months of holding it together everything will come to a head and she ends up being honest about how stressed etc things have been...and we have a heart to heart about how her behaviour has changed in order to cope with being the breadwinner and dealing with her dh issues and how i understand that and she admits she wasnt honest with herself or me etc....then the subtle puts downs and weird comparisons build up again...for example i might mention some vague thing dh did that annoyed me...i will then get a page long email about what a loser my dh is, what a crappy dad he is, how he works too much, what a general ahole is.......last time i was too stunned to reply and didnt need to be Einstein to think this was maybe??? Feelings she had about her dh...iykwim. So again i let it slide....so while i can see where her behaviour changes stem from sometimes it doesnt make the comments any less harder to deal with .... I feel like maybe its time i respond back to the put downs etc in some way tho tbh im worried as she is very sensitive to criticism....im just increasingly finding i dont 'like' who she has become and yet feel guilty cos yes life has thrown her difficulties in recent times....every now and then i get a glimpse of my " old" mate and i love that part of her...it would pain me to think we werent friends as she is my only truly 'close 'friend...i have a few other friends/ workmates i see and go out with sometimes but this is my longest and closet friendship but am i just living in the past...


 

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