14 days and counting till my first appointment with a psyc who is actually experienced with mental health issues.
I've realised this morning that I've been looking at this one single appointment as if it's going to 'fix' me which is obviously not the case, this is really the beginning of more hard work, not the end.. It's probably going to take the whole block of appointments just to explain my history.. But at least I'm going! This time I'm actually going to make it to the appointments.
I'm swaying between hating myself & reminding myself none of it is my fault. It's so chaotic in my mind at times all I can do is sit here and stare. But dd will be awake soon so I need to get my **** together & get up.
I wish I knew what was wrong with me. I hate anxiety with a passion. It has taken over my life. I feel like crying but that's pretty much physically impossible with the meds I'm on. I havnt had OCD since I was 8 so why the hell is that rearing it's ugly head now? Why is my social anxiety getting worse! I just want to crawl under a rock & die.
Just this week I've starting having flash backs to my childhood. I keep thinking DH is going to do something horrible to DD. DH is the most gentle caring soul & I know he wouldn't do anything to hurt her it's hard to explain.
The other day I was having a shower with the door closed & DD was on the other side whinging to get it. I was trying to ignore her. Then I heard 3 loud whacks, I ran out of the shower & flung open the door because to me it sounded like DH was belting DD with the tv remote. he was on the other side of the door with DD & I said 'what are you doing?'.. He was clapping at her.. As in clapping for her to come to him.. Things like this happen all the time.
I find it hard to leave her with anyone except MIL because I don't trust them.
DD also has ASD and her language is difficult so if anything did happen I don't think she could tell me anyway which compounds the issues.
I don't know why I'm writing this.. Hoping it will help to just get it out.