When did you decide it was time to split up?

[danielle13]

Hi all,

I'd just like to know, if it was you who initiated the breakup, when did you decide single parenthood was best?

I've been having problems with my partner ever since DD was born, we're basically just housemates that stress eachother out. He offers no support, shows no respect, and just basically doesn't care. (I've just posted a big rant detailing it all in the depression & blues section if anyone has too much time on their hands).

I'm not sure what to do, we don't get on at all, there's no love there anymore, we just fight all the time and he makes me feel worthless. I'm starting to think I'd be better off without him, and I'm sure the constant fighting must affect DD. I just don't know what to do. I've tried talking everything over with him, it just always goes back to what HE wants, how HE feels, with no regard for me or DD.
Would it be selfish of me (for DDs sake), to end it? And is it really that much harder to be a single mum if you're not getting support anyway?
Any advice would be appreciated, I don't know what to do anymore

[S.e.m]

hi,
I had to reply to this one as i have been there.. I had been waiting for 7 months for my DD and DS dad but he never showed up he was working in another town and i was waiting and waiting for him... This was hard but i realised enough was enough when i thought to myself I matter, I am not going to be treated this way i deserve better.. you know and as hard as it was i knew i could rasie these children own my own, but we all want the fairy tale but sometimes that just dose not happen.. I told my DP and said i would not wait another minute of my life and i will not put myself on hold.. and since then he had a little time and realised that he has been a **** and it is us he wants.. wether he will change that remains to be seen but you do matter and you deserve respect.. its as simple as that..

[*Meggie*]

I broke up with DD's dad when I was 9 weeks pregnant. If I wasn't pregnant I think we would have broken up earlier. We were constanly fighting and he was just so childish about things and I never wanted to bring a child into the world with fighting parents. So I decided it was time to break up. Children pick up on all the vibes and I would have hated DD to feel negativity. Good luck with everything

[Pobblebonk]

By the time I'd decided to split up with x-DP, we were like you, housemates. We weren't really friends. I got really tired of having to asking him all the time to clean up after himself, to do the dishes if I'd cooked the dinner, you know, all the things that one would expect a partner to do. We weren't having sex because quite frankly, I was not attracted to him. Then in the last month, he started getting pushy and shovey and the second time he got pushy with me, I had DS in my arms, and it was then I told him it was time to think about moving out.

That was the second time we'd given it a go.

The first time we broke up was after two years together and I was 4 months pregnant with DS and he was the laziest person on the face of the planet. He wouldn't stick up for me/us when it came to his family, especially his mother who was trying to imposer her own views onto me (eg. "if you have a boy he will have to be circumcised because every male in our family is circumcised"). I just had enough of it all.

We're completely different people. For example, everything in the house belongs to me. I own a car. I can afford to support myself and DS without his help. I am debt free.

Although he has a full-time job, it's just easier for him to live at home with his parents (at 27) where his mum can do all the cooking/cleaning/washing. He has to pay bugger all rent/board/food/electricity, which means he has more money to spend on drinking/drugs/cigarettes. He doesn't own any furniture so if he moved out, he'd have nothing. For someone who's been on this planet for 27 years, he's got NOTHING to show for it. None of his friends want him to live with them because they're all in serious relationships.

Although he's really good with DS most of the time, he's still very immature and doesn't know how to save money and does a lot of the 'saying what he'll do' without planning for it.

I was getting more and more miserable. I mean, it can be lonely sometimes but I guess having no one there to fight with is better than having someone around who'll you just fight with anyway.

Good luck with whatever decision you decide to make.

[the_queen]

I've left my husband twice. Most recently 2.5 months ago. After we reconciled and I got pregnant, he got very nasty again. Said things including: "I only got back together with you to avoid paying child support" and "I'd rather live with someone I hate than pay money to someone I hate" and told me the marriage is "unfixable" and it's "not worth going to counselling, it won't help" and when I was 38 weeks pregnant and suggested that he should perhaps move out if he was so unhappy, he said "if one of us is going to leave, I think it should be YOU". So I stayed for the first 4 months of DS's life, to at least see if husband would have a sudden change of heart (wishful thinking on my part) and then I left.

My life is much easier without him. There's less washing, less stress, more happiness, no more worrying about what my daughter is witnessing (verbal abuse) and no more worrying about what kind of role model I'm being to her.

I think you have to ask yourself: do you love him? Like, REALLY love him? And does he REALLY love you? I think if you both love each other and both want things to be better, then it can be saved. But if only one person wants to save the marriage, then nothing can be done.
Sometimes a separation can "wake him up" a bit, to make him realise what he really wants. So maybe going to stay with your parents or some friends for a couple of weeks, that might just knock some sense into him. Or, it could make you realise that you are strong enough to live without him.

Good luck matey, you are a strong woman and you will get through this. It's tough during that first few months after you first leave, but you will come out the other end as a stronger, wiser woman.

[danielle13]

Thanks ladies for the replies... I think it's time we sat down and had a good long talk about where things are headed (I may have to muzzle him beforehand).
Because things just aren't working how they are. And to answer your question the_queen - I don't know if I love him anymore. I'd like to say I do, but I just find myself resenting him most of the time, and the thought of having any kind of "relations" with him kinda makes me shudder.... But having said that, he's not the man I fell in love with anymore anyway. So maybe if I can get him to see how he's behaving, and if he goes back to the old him, there may be hope.
But if not, see ya later alligator.....

[Ana Gram]

Before you do anything, you really need to find the answer to the "Do you love him" question. Once you do that, the decision will be easy.

[*munchkin*]

Hi all,


I've tried talking everything over with him, it just always goes back to what HE wants, how HE feels, with no regard for me or DD.
Would it be selfish of me (for DDs sake), to end it? And is it really that much harder to be a single mum if you're not getting support anyway?

Firstly, big hugs to you You are strong already for thinking about leaving - lots of people stay in relationships for all the wrong reasons, to the detriment of their children.

I decided to end it when ex-DP decided to move to Coober Pedy with or without us... ...how ridiculous. When I realised it was all about HIM, with no consideration at all for DD (let alone me), then I thought it was best he wasn't around. I figure I'd been doing everything myself already...housework, caring for DD...including making all the parenting decisions. So it wouldn't make much difference without him. Except that I will only have to take care of DD and myself, and not a Man-Child!

My favourite saying is "All becomes clear with time". Sounds like you're already on your way to making a decision, and with time you will realise the right thing to do, and you will find the strength to do it.

Good luck

[Mum2Bug]

Bug's father and I split the day after she was born, and it was my decision. If it wasn't for the fact I was pregnant it would have been sooner. I tried my whole pregnancy to keep him involved but between my work, his work, and never being able to see him, it didn't take me long to realise I didn't want to raise my child with someone who was so indifferent to me so much. When he walked into the hospital 11 hours after she was born I took one look at him and realised it was over. I told him the next day and moved in with my friends as soon as I got out of hospital.

The other ladies are right though, before you make any decisions you do need to work out if you love him or not and then your next question should be do you want raise your child around someone like that in a family capacity.

Good luck with the future hun

[scorpio83]

How do you break up with your DP if you have no friends or family where you are? My DP broke up with me, and my mum paid for me to go stay with her interstate for a while but alas I had to come back. The trip put me way into debt, and having no car makes things harder.
I felt like you did until I was alone, then I was lost. Needless to say, my DP went on to sleep with his boss and someone who was supposed to be a friend less than a week after we broke up, then lied to me continuously until I came home, then told me bits and pieces over the next 2 weeks. I'm not sure which was worse. Plus he got text messages from his boss at 5 in the morning, although he says he didn'y, but the call log on his phone says otherwise. She has called him and sent messages to him several times but he hasn't told me until way later and always deletes the messages from her and no-one else. The best part was how he thinks it was my fault he slept with them, coz I went away with my daughter..... Somehow, we are back together, but I'm not sure what I want.......am I just with him coz there isn't anyone else here for me? The thought of him with someone else makes me feel sick, but I'm not sure if it's coz I love him or I'm jealous that he can find someone else so quickly......any advice?