I'm on maternity leave at the moment and we're still figuring this one out to be honest. We had a massive blow up about it a few weeks ago and ever since he's been pulling his weight more.
Originally he pulled the "I work all day" BS on me. Which I put up with and tried to keep up with everything, but eventually I snapped. I am lucky I have a fantastic, easy going 4yo but DD2 is a terror! She is the happiest baby in the world.... While she's being held. Try and put her down and she just cries. So I can wear her in the sling but can't get everything I need to done. So that on top of school, DD2 hating the car and me having PND... I snapped and told him it needs to be 50/50 when he's at home. Unless he wants to pay for a cleaner and a chef
When my hubby worked in the city he would sort himself out in the morning and help clean up after dinner and he would shower with the kids. He would run the vacuum or help tidy on the weekends but no cleaning. TBH I never expected him too, I managed during the week and failed to see why I should leave it for him to do when he was home. Course there were times when I didn't get as much done and he helped out til it was sorted.
He fifos now but it's much the same except he is more hands on with the kids as he is here more and he does some washing. I wouldn't want him to waste his R&R doing housework when I have plenty of time when he is away.
Me + DF
DS1- Sep '07
DS2- Nov '08
DD- July '11
Our family is complete!
Gestational Surrogate- FET#1 March '14
Hi OP, mysituation is the opposite..im the working parent and DH has been the stay at home dad for nearly 2yrs now.
I wake at 6am and get home at 6-7pm
DH does the daily dishes, cooking, groceries, looking after DD (bathing, playing, nowadays getting her ready for daycare)
On days that I am early I cook dinner . I put DD to sleep and do her bath (to give DH a break)
Cleaning the house we do togather .
Since I was a stay at home mum when DD was born I know how exhausting and brain dead you feel...and from the time DH works he knows how tired you feel at the end of a busy day at work driving an hr each way.
so we have expereinced both sides and are very understanding of each other when one of us is just too tired to do much.
I guess it needs an understanding from both sides and to sit down and plan where you would like your DP to help you (thats what we did initially) .
( also we usually will have 1 weekend to our selves, meaning one of us stays home with DD while the other goes out any enjoys themselves - having some alone time to do what YOU like has made a huge difference to our relationship)
Do you get equal amounts of time out? I personally wouldn't be happy with two nights sport and that many hours riding etc, but maybe I'm a b$tch... Unless I did equal things.
Dh dh goes to the gym in his lunch hour so it doesn't effect us. He will go on the weekend too, but tries to when kids are napping and will stay if they are a lil feral. He doesn't do many of the household chores when he is home, mostly becasue I prefer to do them myway. He will fold and put away washing etc if he can see I'm struggling. He is more likely to take all the kids out for a whole day if housework is behind, again we both prefer this. But when he gets home most nights he makes his dinner and the boys dinner, then takes them all to the bath so I can clean up after dinner, gets them in their pjs and does most of the night time thing. We do work very well as a team.
He also does all the outside stuff and looks after the cars /garage.
My DH works from 9:30am-9:30/10 pm for our family resturant I work nights from 6-9 5 days a week. They way it works for us is he is the father and I'm the mother so we both have 50% care of kids and house hold duties. There is no well your the mum stuff or your the sahm ( when I was) so you do the majority. There are some weeks where it's been crazy for him or me so we give each other a bit of extra down time if we can but we are a partnership and we both wanted out children and so ste living the life we decided on and so it's the role for both of us to work together and share the load. He's been great but he had his moments and I'm sure I have mine. In the end though we talk about what we want and expect from each other and that thus far seems to be going well.
Asha 26, William 17 months and a gorgeous handful
I think a lot of the time the parent who works full time has no idea how demanding small babies are, or just how unbelievably messy toddlers and preschoolers can be. I spend my days at home cleaning up crumbs, 'science experiments', craft activities, lunch mess, Lego (so much flippin Lego!) putting books and DVDs back on the shelf, refolding clothes that DD has pulled out of drawers, etc etc. so sometimes the regular household duties just can't get done.
giggle berry (12-03-2014)
My hubby has a pretty demanding job physically. We own a landscape construction business and hubby is working from anywhere between 430-6am to 3-7pm depending on the job.
Lifting and laying heavy blocks, concrete work, paving, fencing, shed erection Etc and it's usually in full sun.
The poor thing is exhausted, utterly drained (last night he went to bed at 7pm)
So for us there is no way is expect him to do much housework during the week. He is wonderful with the kids and quite often if he's home early enough he will take ds1 off for motorbike rides in the bush in the afternoon to give me a chance to sort dinner or have a little break.
Most nights he does the shower/bath routine unless he's home late and he plays with then whilst I tidy up.
If I want to go somewhere on the weekend, he will stay at home and vice versa but more often than not we try and spend our weekends together.
So for the kids we are pretty 50/50.
I do all the cooking, washing, cleaning. I make his lunches the night before and I always make sure he's got something for the week ahead - muffins, slices, cold meat from roasts etc.
I do it because I want to and he works so bloody hard for our family that it's the least I can do for him.
He does the outside stuff - mows the lawn, any landscaping or improvements that are needed, keeps the garage tidy etc
He is always spending time doing stuff to our house - building the alfresco, retaining walls, fencing, gardens etc.
So I see we have it 50/50 with our roles. We have different "jobs" around the house but we are both putting in equal amounts.
Neither of us play sport during the week, we use to but it took to much time away from each other and ds1 soon will be playing weekend sport so time will be spent going to his sporting commitments.
DH goes out pig hunting every now and then (on our property) but he does this usually when kids are in bed and dinner/dishes are done.
DH, Me and our two boys.
#3 due 30th Sept
I don't think my partner does enough, but I think he thinks he does more than he should.
He does do yard stuff, cleans the car, keeps the garage tidy, takes out the bins, he's also responsible for the bills - even though we discuss bills and expenses regularly, it's his job to pay them. He'll occasionally help do deep cleaning - dusting, moving furniture to vacuum and mop around and under, sorting out cupboards. But he doesn't really do day-to-day cleaning, or cooking. He'll help me with the kids bath/bed routine, but really as my extra hands, he doesn't jump in and do it, but if I hand him a child and a towel and pjs he'll put it all together and hand a dry, dressed child back to me.
We do the grocery shopping together every week, and again though that's really "helping me", because I do the cooking and menu planning, so he's more there to help round up the kids.
He doesn't ever really have them both on his own, but he does take Jasper (5) out on his own, but he rarely has Katelyn (2) without me.
I'd like him to do dishes, laundry, general tidying, making beds, taking over the kids routines/meal times occasionally, not all the time, but it would be nice if I drop the ball if he'd pick it up. A few times I've been really tired he's like "don't worry about the dishes, just leave them, don't worry about them" and I go to bed without doing them, get up in the morning and they're still there... i stupidly thought "dont worry about them" meant "i'll do them" when what it meant was "i feel guilty watching you do them, so I'd rather you do them when I'm not home to see it"
He's pretty good though. He'll do stuff if I directly ask him, i guess it's that age-old thing of I wish I didn't have to ask, because if I have to ask, I may as well just do it myself.
Duties are split about 40-60 when he's home, but given that he's usually only home and awake for a few hours a night during the week and often getting in just as the kids are going to bed, that leaves me doing about 95% overall and 40% of 5% is..... Not much on a day to day basis but it works for us.
It's easy to say every working parent should be doing half, but not every parent works the same job and has the same energy levels. It's a different kind of tired from working a desk job for 8 hours to working as a nurse for 8 hours to doing construction for 8 hours. If one parent feels the other isn't carrying their weight though, it definitely needs to be addressed.
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