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  1. #1
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    Unhappy My nearly 7 year olds behaviour, is this normal?

    My dd is turning 7 in a few weeks. Right now I feel like she hates me.
    Lately her moods just change so suddenly. Today for example she had the day off school as she had an allergic reaction in her eye.

    We were lying in bed most the day watching movies together, not long after DF came home from work I asked her to tidy her room. Then it was a mood snap. She tantrumed and said she wanted to go live with her "real" dad.
    Her real dad she saw this weekend for the first time in months due to him "not being able to make it" for her actual birthday so he got her a bday present and came to visit, even though he only came to town for the races but I didn't tell DD that, I was just happy she was happy.

    So DF thought it would be a good idea to try and snap her out of it by packing her things and hitting the highway in direction of her dads house in the hopes she would come to and say sorry and realise what she had done wrong.

    She didnt care. She kept throwing around insults about DF not being her real dad, and saying im the worst parent lots of **** that really hurt, but I ignored and pretended it didn't bother me.
    It got to a point where we turned around and she got upset and said she wanted to live with her dad.

    We feel rejected and I feel like nothing I do is good enough. Nothing I do for her is appreciated yet her dad does something small for her and hes the best person ever.

    Wtf do I do. I don't know how to fix this behavior. Is this a phase, am I doing something wrong? She always comes back around and says shes sorry and won't do it again, but a day or 2 later it's the same thing.
    Is she just a spoiled brat? Is she just hurting due to her dad popping in and out of her life as he pleases.
    DF has been dad to her for nearly 4 years now and he feels so unappreciated, he does everything for her but she just treats him like ****.

    We are lost with all of this and need some advice!

  2. #2
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    Sorry I have no advice, but just wanted to send you hugs. My DD only sees her dad now and again but my worst fear would be for her to say this too me and my DH (her step dad)

    I've always thought deep down one day well have a disagreement and she'll say this too me, knowing it will hurt me.

    Maybe it's just a stage or maybe there's something else going on? Maybe she's having a hard time at school and is venting at home?

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    I had a good chat to her last night and she told me shes upset as she wants to see her dad more and that's why she lashed out. Things were good until this morning when getting ready for school. She was in a foul mood again, was rude to me and said shes not coming home from school.
    I don't understand, I am going to have to take her to see someone and see what they say.

  4. #4
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    harvs is offline Winner 2014 - Spirit of BubHub Award
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    Sorry, no advice here either, but I just wanted to add a couple of my thoughts.

    I understand what your DF was trying to do last night, but if it is at all possible that your daughter already has issues of feeling rejected by her birth father then doing something like that is sending her the message that she will ultimately be rejected by her stepfather too. That can turn into a cycle of your daughter 'pre-emptive striking' and rejecting him first, as she thinks he will just end up rejecting her further down the track. Like I said, not criticizing your partner at all, and I can imagine myself reacting in the same way, but as someone with incredibly deep rooted rejection issues, it doesn't take much to trigger those fears in me, even now as an adult.

    My other thought was is it possible that DD's father has been putting these thoughts in her head at all? Like, to mess with you somehow? You know, even if he just made an off-the-cuff comment like 'if you lived with me you'd always be allowed to eat ice cream for dinner', or something that was a total hypothetical in his mind, it could then turn into an option in her mind iykwim.

    And finally, you know she is probably trying to communicate what she told you last night, that she'd like to see him more. But she also would be old enough to realise that this statement is getting a reaction out of you. Have you tried calmly saying something like 'I know you do, darling, but [DF] and I love you very much and would miss you after looking after you for all of these years'?

    I'm sorry, it all sounds so hurtful. I remember for me personally, around 7 was when I really started feeling the absence of my father in my life, and feeling abandoned and rejected. I knew my mother loved me and always would, and it didn't love her any less, but I started wanting to know *why* I didn't see my father more etc. I hope you can work something out.

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    I agree with Mrs Harvey, what you guys did to her last night was a really bad idea. She is testing you and well, you failed her test.

    Most kids go through a big change at about 7...lots of different reasons...a big one being their first influx of hormones (approx every 7 years...so 7,14,21) is the big hits and this can make them very difficult!

    On top of the hormones, she is going through a really hard time as she becomes more aware (and aware of passing time where younger kids are not) of her birth fathers absence.

    I would strongly suggest finding a child pysch who can support her and also give some family counselling to help you and your partner deal with her grief/rage/anger in a better way so it allows her to develop. Our job as parents is not to enrage a situation, but to calm it. There needs to be consequences for bad behaviour, but she also needs to know that she is loved and safe even at her worst.

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    Its pretty comon for kids with seperated parent to play each parent against one another.
    She didn't want to tidy her room so decided she wanted to live with her dad in my opinion she is messing with you to get out of tidying her room.

    We get it with my step.kids they chop and change their opinions to suit themselves.
    We often get attitude with chores and they crack it and say ''but we dont have to do the dishes at mums''.
    But then on the other hand they whinge to us that "mum makes us make our own school lunch and there isn't any food to pack we hate going there blah blah blah''.

    I just say to them that each house has different rules to follow just as school as different rules and then if we get too much whinging they get sent to bed early.

    There is no doubt that the living in two houses can mess with kids emotions escpecially if one parent is badmouthing the other and dragging kids into the adult issues.
    I think consistency is the key, make sure your DD knows the rules and the consequenses for breaking them and she will soon learn what she can and cant get away with.
    The more she can see that she is upsetting you the more she will do it as its a power trip for them.

    If she is being nasty and rude to you or your DP then dish out a consequence such as bed early or no tv or game time etc
    Tell her that you understand that she wants to see her dad more but you will not put up with rude behaviour.

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  10. #7
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    Quote Originally Posted by River Song View Post
    I agree with Mrs Harvey, what you guys did to her last night was a really bad idea. She is testing you and well, you failed her test.

    Most kids go through a big change at about 7...lots of different reasons...a big one being their first influx of hormones (approx every 7 years...so 7,14,21) is the big hits and this can make them very difficult!

    On top of the hormones, she is going through a really hard time as she becomes more aware (and aware of passing time where younger kids are not) of her birth fathers absence.

    I would strongly suggest finding a child pysch who can support her and also give some family counselling to help you and your partner deal with her grief/rage/anger in a better way so it allows her to develop. Our job as parents is not to enrage a situation, but to calm it. There needs to be consequences for bad behaviour, but she also needs to know that she is loved and safe even at her worst.
    I agree. She needs to be made to feel and hear both of you say that you love her and will never leave her no matter what she does. Her behaviour can not change your love for her. That she will always have a home with you.

  11. #8
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    Quote Originally Posted by anewme View Post
    I agree. She needs to be made to feel and hear both of you say that you love her and will never leave her no matter what she does. Her behaviour can not change your love for her. That she will always have a home with you.
    Well said anewme.

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    We tell her how much we love her and I make sure she feels very wanted, thats why I was worried I spoiled her too much, I had a horrible upbringing and I am still having family snuggles so I don't say no to much at all. Every day I think of how I can make her happy and things we can do together. I had had a sort of separation anxiety since she started school, as it was the same time I lost my first baby at 20w. I have been getting help with this and have improved.

    That is why this is so hurtful. I give her so much love, my life in completly centered around her which it should be of course, but I feel not good enough.

    The struggles with DDs real father have been hell. It is only recently 4 years of avos to protect us have been lifted, and I have been trying to hard to let DD see her father as I am still very scared and very damaged from things that have happened in the past.
    Friday night was the first time in years they have been alone together, and it is quite possible he could of said something to her to trigger this, but if he did say something along those lines I don't understand why as he has no intentions of ever having her live with him or anything like that, just taking time to see her has been the biggest battle with him.

    It does make sense she is sensing a rejection and thats why she is shutting out DF, I can understand that being rejected my whole life, so what should he do to make her feel more secure? We tell her everyday how much we love her, how much we want to be a family, that we aren't going anywhere and how much it hurts us when she says horrible things. She is so remorseful at the time and seems to understand, but then the next day it's straight back to square one. It goes around in circles.

    I feel upset I have given the impression we are harsh parents that don't show her enough love, our family is the complete opposite I wish my parents loved me the way I love my child, having her at 19 has been a struggle and there are no instruction manuals so I come here seeking some advice from older more experienced women as some days I have no idea what I am doing and I just want the best for my precious daughter.

  13. #10
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    Hugs. Nobody ways saying that you don't show her enough love. Just that by packing her bags and getting the car was a bad idea.

    It may take a while to reestablish that you won't send her away. Just keep loving her.

    Every times she says something hurtful just keep reassuring her you won't leave her.
    Redirect back to issue at hand and give appropriate consequence.


 

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