So I am seeing a psychologist because I really, really have an awful lot on my plate ATM. I'm just not coping and decided not to put up with it any longer. So I sought out help. Well, hubby did. He was not coping either, living with someone who was no longer any fun to be around and not knowing what to do or how to help.
Anyways. I cancelled appointment after appointment. (That dh made). I was physically ill thinking about turning up to my first psych appt. I talked myself out of going. This is very typical anxiety behavious of mine. And then, I bit the bullet and realised it is now about the people around me. Not just me anymore.
my psych is a lovely guy. He just listened as I poured my heart out to him....for 2.5hrs. I swore, I got really angry. I cried and I laughed. I went through every emotion. I was basically a mess.
he left me with some things to think about. Like, prioritising time for me. Who am I besides a mum and a wife (or a working mum). What do I like? What am I good at? ....." I have no idea who I am anymore. There is just no time to think about me". Well, that's not good enough. My psych said.
I don't exactly know where this post is going. Just that, I need a babysitter to figure out all this. And day care. Who can afford that on the "Sahm wages?!" With no family or friends to rely on? I so desperately wanted to have my kids home and bring them up while so little and while I had the oportunity. I failed. Miserably. And I am a qualified early childhood educator. Massive fail.
To find who I am again, is going to leave us out of pocket. To study, daycare, babysitting, hobbies. It's all so not worth it. Or is it?