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  1. #1
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    Default Relationship Counselling - Is it him or is it me or is it both?

    To be honest, I don't even know how to start this post so my apologies if it is a ramble before it makes sense!

    I have been with my man for 7 years. He has 4 children from a previous marriage and we have one together. We've been through the good, the bad and the ugly but we have a few issues with communication when it comes to his 4 kids and I loathe the idea of counselling - no make that totally against the idea - but I'm starting to wondering if we should go.

    A few things have arisen in regards to behaviour (mainly the eldest) of a serious nature (law breaking although, although very mild, I still take seriously). I am very much lets BOTH us of work out how WE would like it to handled etc and what we think and then work with his ex (who by the way I have never met and have zero communication with - I don't mind this arrangement and it works differently for different people). He however went ahead and decided everything. I explained that whilst I don't need to have the final say, I'm not here to just pay, babysit, cook and clean and make sure the kids are okay when we have them only to be shafted out of every other point of their lives and expected to just deal with the decisions made.

    Recently the eldest has asked to move in with FIL (he can't with us due to distance and changing schools). Once again, a conversation that was meant to be had with us, then his dad and then the ex and lastly the child. Instead it went from a mention to me, then a full blown conversation with his dad, then the child was informed. I got mad and explained it can't work like that - again. He agreed and I thought we would move forward. Then he and FIL have a conversation with the child except at this point the ex is still totally unaware of these conversations. I explain again, please don't as if she says no, we'll have more problems. Spoke today and it was agreed he would ask the ex about child moving in with FIL and that he would move in 3 weeks, so that we could still sort out a few things. She says 'take him today' and hubby agrees to take him next week. WTF!??! I want what's best for the children but it needs to be a united front. Not him calling the shots and me trailing behind cleaning up the mess.

    So (after all of that), I can't work out if I'm missing something or if he is. I'm forever having a go at him, he's forever apologising but we still seem to have the same problem. I can't work if maybe my expectations are wrong but if we agree 3 weeks and then he agrees to 1, I'm baffled and he's annoyed that I'm angry again. These decisions have resulted in us not being able to move interstate (I had already left for this with our youngest now in childcare a state away) even though he would come back every second weekend. I feel like I keep bending for him. He feels like I'm never happy and has to please everyone.

    Has anyone been to counselling? Did it do you any good? Does anyone have any recommendations for one in Victoria?

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    I think you are making it a bit over complicated (just from what you have described).

    If his son wants to move in with FIL...the most important convo is between your DP and his dad. He cannot possibly keep running back and forth between the 2 of you. Same when he was speaking with his ex...they were speaking...she suggested a date...and they negotiated...should he have interrupted the conversation to run back and speak with you? Nothing would ever get done!!

    He had mentioned it to you...what more do you actually expect.

    With my DS...DH and I talk about what happens here...but if it is arrangements to do with ex...ex and I sort it. Neither of us run back and check with our partners as they trust us to sort it out.

    It does sound like you don't trust your dp. It sounds like you need him to continually prove that you are important.

    If your DSS was due to move in with you...i would expect more of a conversation...but he isn't...he is moving in with FIL.

    I know it is tough being the step mum...but you also need to trust your husband to sort things out for his kids. If you feel he disrespects you and doesn't treat you well, that is a different thing...but with what you have described...i feel for your DH.

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    PurpleButterfly4  (02-03-2014)

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    Oh, just realised i didn't answer part of your question. I believe that counselling can really help...I have used relationships australia before and was really happy with the help and support that they gave us. they also charge on a scale so it is not too expensive.

    Sometimes, they can give you an outside perspective or just a few hints on better ways to communicate. They also help keep things on topic so the 2 of you can get through issues.

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    Quote Originally Posted by River Song View Post
    I think you are making it a bit over complicated (just from what you have described).

    If his son wants to move in with FIL...the most important convo is between your DP and his dad. He cannot possibly keep running back and forth between the 2 of you. Same when he was speaking with his ex...they were speaking...she suggested a date...and they negotiated...should he have interrupted the conversation to run back and speak with you? Nothing would ever get done!!

    He had mentioned it to you...what more do you actually expect.

    With my DS...DH and I talk about what happens here...but if it is arrangements to do with ex...ex and I sort it. Neither of us run back and check with our partners as they trust us to sort it out.

    It does sound like you don't trust your dp. It sounds like you need him to continually prove that you are important.

    If your DSS was due to move in with you...i would expect more of a conversation...but he isn't...he is moving in with FIL.

    I know it is tough being the step mum...but you also need to trust your husband to sort things out for his kids. If you feel he disrespects you and doesn't treat you well, that is a different thing...but with what you have described...i feel for your DH.
    Sorry but i agree. What's the big deal about changing 3 weeks to 1? I haven't been married as long as you but I've already learned to pick my battles. If you're going to get cranky about every decision that dh makes without you then life will be pretty hard for everyone.

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    haveheart  (03-03-2014)

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    I haven't read any replies. It's your hubby and his ex's job to make major life decisions for their kids. Not yours. They are his parents, you aren't.

    Perhaps counsellIng would help, if you truly value your relationship why not make the leap?.

    Do you want to be the boss/in control? Or do you want to be happy?

    Good luck

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    Thanks River Song.

    It's hard to explain everything in just a few (although it wouldn't appear from my post, lol) everything that is happening. Obviously there is so much more but sadly I think everyone wouldn't need to devote a week without sleep to read through it all!

    I agree in regards to the discussions, however I asked to be consulted and for us to work together on larger decisions that have an impact on us, not just him and family). If none of it had an impact then I really wouldn't care. Many things have been decided and I haven't had a say because none of it came into the house per say but I feel that there needs to be a two way street in regards to communication. I agree running back and forth doesn't work and we never work it like that. That's why a conversation between us so we're on the same playing field would be good when it comes to the larger decisions. That way any other conversations that were had, he would know where we both stood and there wouldn't need to be any consulting.

    I get upset as so many things have bee decided in the past without me and it leaves me cleaning up a mess or having to readjust everything. I can be controlling but I've had to clean up so many messes and I end up doing so much.

    That being said, having your opinion with me having the issues (I don't mean that in a nasty way as I was looking for opinions outside of how I feel), highlights the fact that maybe a third party would help. I think it's a bit him and it's a bit me. Just need to work out what bits.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Funnels View Post
    Sorry but i agree. What's the big deal about changing 3 weeks to 1? I haven't been married as long as you but I've already learned to pick my battles. If you're going to get cranky about every decision that dh makes without you then life will be pretty hard for everyone.
    We still need to set up a place for him to stay, sort out the schooling, there's so much that it would be a bit of a mess to do it in a week. If it was possible in a week, no problem.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Harlows View Post
    We still need to set up a place for him to stay, sort out the schooling, there's so much that it would be a bit of a mess to do it in a week. If it was possible in a week, no problem.
    Couldn't you leave this to your dp, his ex and FIL to sort out? I wouldn't take on any of it. As for counselling I would probably go on my own first to look at my own expectations in my relationship.

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    I know exactly where your coming from . You do all the hard work , yet your left out of everything and have no say on anything. Even things that affect your life .
    Try counselling but it may not do anything as your dp and ex are set in there ways .
    My dp is now my exdp and mostly because of him and dss .


 

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