If you can imagine watching yourself, or often looking back on yourself with absolutely no control over how you feel or what you say, the tears you cry. Oh, the tears, there are so many tears. You feel the familiar sting behind your eyes over and over again throughout the day. Sometimes you can stop them and sometimes they just spill out. Sometimes you are lucky enough to have someone to understand and help you and tell you it’s ok, that it’s normal, that it comes with ovaries.Then only a matter of hours later the angry – irritable hormones overrides that sad hormone and before you know it you have snapped at the very person who was comforting you. They’ve had enough now, they’ve tried to be there for you and be kind and understanding but they’re not there to be snapped at. This sends you into a bigger whirlwind of self loathing and depression. Yup – you’re gonna use that word, the clinical term, the medical condition DEPRESSION. When everything is black. Yet only days ago – or even hours ago the sun was shining and you we’re so happy. Temporary depression lets go with that. Is that a medical term? Well it should be. As tears spill down your face you comfort yourself in the fact that these crazy emotions may be, just may be be the answer to all your prayers. That there is a little angel nestling inside you. Sending your body a flood of hormones that come with it an excuse, a validation, a flashing sign that says “I’s not my fault I’m crazy! I’m making our baby!” . Your gut tells you this is not the case, but your heart begs you to believe it may be true. But you can’t obsess, oh now your not allowed to obsess! Or stress! Nope, don’t you dare stress. It will come naturally. When it is time. OK, so I’m ok with it happening when it is supposed to, I can even see that the longer it takes to get pregnant the more time it give us to earn more money to set us up for a secure future. And the more time I have to get healthy and strong to carry the baby. But once those hormones hit that logic goes flying out the door along with any other sense of rational and self worth. Yup, that goes to. A sense of being able to achieve anything. You feel like everything you do it wrong. You haven’t fallen pregnant and you want it so bad. But you are so angry with yourself for thinking about it and stressing. Just let it happen. A couple of weeks later you can look back at these thoughts, it you even remember them and wonder how you could have felt so dark. You love your life and you do really believe that you will be blessed with a family when the time is right. But by then the hormones have balanced again and you are thinking clearly. You are yourself.
The 2WW they call it. That’s 2 week wait for those who aren’t submerged in the world of with conceiving or TTC (trying to conceive). Well that’s hard, I give you that. Two weeks from when you and hubby have BD (I still have no idea what this one means but I go with Badoinked!) and you wonder if any little feeling might be a symptom. Well I envy those who have a 2WW. How about a 4WW, or even a 5WW. Welcome to the world of irregular periods. Before anyone starts with the suggestions – Ovulation kits don’t work cause they only detect the spike in the hormone that comes up before you ovulate but if you have irregular cycles and your body isn’t ovulating properly this can happen several times per months. Temperature is the same and cervical mucus, well that one is supposed to be a fair guide but I have tried this over the past 4 months and still can’t pin point it. So here I am at the end of my guesstimated 35 day cycle and I wait, then wait some more – it’s gets to 43 days and I think ok, well now it’s reasonable to test. This is not some crazy obsessive woman testing every second of the day this is a legitimate time to test. Nope – negative. That cycle I actually ovulated on day 35! Making it a 49 day cycle.
I’m over it, I’ve had enough. I just want to feel like myself again, feel in control. I’ve had my sook, I’ve spilled it out and I’m gonna pick myself up, stop my sooking and go enjoy the life I love. I write that with determination yet as I do my inner voice ridicules my own words, as I know that those dreaded hormones will lead me back down the path of darkness again. Until then I will light my candles and try to remember to be kind. Kind to myself and kind to my darling husband who tries so hard. He bought a ticket for this ride and no matter how many times it throws him around leaving him bruised and battered, promises never, never to get off. And that in itself is enough to make me smile and keep going.
**** Please note this is written only as way of venting my feelings. It is in no way a criticism of woman that test daily or with view point that my journey is harder than anyone with a 28 day cycle. Everyone has their own struggles and I wish everyone the best in their journey to becoming mothers.