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  1. #31
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mokeybear View Post
    I've seen it and I get it!

    But that's a snapshot into the head of an abused woman.

    I remember the honeymoon period well, these guys are not always pricks unfortunately, and they reel you back in with how you really wish it was, it's denial denial denial and deep down inside she feels weak and less for not leaving, which is why they come out swinging to the ladies that are just trying to help. Easier to lash out out them than him.

    I understand the frustration though, it's a tough one.
    I think we are pretty much in total agreement there. You are right on in saying the anger is a defence mechanism bc deep down she knows the honeymoon won't last and she hasn't been strong enough to leave.

    I guess it's a difficult frustrating dynamic for everyone. The victim is frustrated bc she knows what everyone is saying is true, but wants to believe he can change. The reader is frustrated that a lovely bright woman keeps on putting up with such sh*tty treatment and lashes out once the fire has been put out and he's said he's sorry.

  2. #32
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    And the cycle goes on, she goes silent and is more isolated, her children are being warped and are at future risk of being abusers and victims, it's just awful.

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  4. #33
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    I haven't read the other replies yet and not sure of what this question relates to but I'll answer how I see it. I think that "a decent person treats everyone with respect and dignity". The onus should ALWAYS be on the perpetrator to be accountable for their actions no matter what. While I have no doubt that certain personality traits and personal history can make someone more prone to becoming a victim. It still doesn't take away the fact that someone essentially has to prey on that vulnerability and the person that does that is the one at fault, not the one that displays the vulnerability in the first place. Does that make sense!

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  6. #34
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    Quote Originally Posted by RipperRita View Post
    I haven't read the other replies yet and not sure of what this question relates to but I'll answer how I see it. I think that "a decent person treats everyone with respect and dignity". The onus should ALWAYS be on the perpetrator to be accountable for their actions no matter what. While I have no doubt that certain personality traits and personal history can make someone more prone to becoming a victim. It still doesn't take away the fact that someone essentially has to prey on that vulnerability and the person that does that is the one at fault, not the one that displays the vulnerability in the first place. Does that make sense!
    Absolutely agree! it is the perpetrator that is responsible for their actions.

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  8. #35
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    I don't really agree with the statement - it's an over-simplification.
    There are often things you can do to alter someone's treatment of you, or to change the situation so as not to allow their behaviour. It's not always easy though, or even the best option (depending on what would have to change).
    As a previous poster said, the onus is ALWAYS on the perpetrator of behaviour. They're responsible for how they treat others.

  9. #36
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    It's one thing to say the perpetrator is responsible for their actions (they are).

    But in a way it's misleading.... in that it can imply that only the perpetrator can end the $hitty situation. When in reality the perpetrators are most likely @rseholes and can't be trusted to stop doing $hitty things without at least some form of intervention.

    It's with this in mind that I think (for adults, for the most part) that adults need to take precautions in certain situations and will only *continue* to be treated badly as long as they let themselves be.

    (I'm still not saying it's always an easy thing to do, to stand up for oneself).

  10. #37
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    Quote Originally Posted by VicPark View Post
    Yes I agree. If someone has the balls to stand up to a person that treats them horribly then said behavior won't continue.
    - that being said I get that there are certain situations where it is easier said than done to make a stand.
    Not true. I stand up to my dad all the time and he still continues to belittle me and treat me like crap. Granted he doesn't continue it for long cause he knows he won't get a rise from me but he still attempts it everytime.

  11. #38
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    It's easy enough to see that if you've got an abusive spouse/jerk boss/etc etc then if you just did away with them and removed them from your life, then you'd be free of their mistreatment.

    Thing is, while you'd be free of that, what would you be missing out on? Plenty of people know that while they might be getting rid of one ill, they'll be adopting at least one more by making changes. Leaving an abusive spouse may mean you're no longer living with an abusive spouse, but they can still interfere in your life and make it a lot more difficult than perhaps just staying with them would be.

    The same could be true of jerk bosses... if you quit, then that jerk boss is out of your life but they may have contacts in the industry to make you finding another role difficult, or even just quitting your job could make life difficult given you won't have that money any longer, etc etc.

    There are some situations where people weigh things up and decide that putting up with being treated poorly is BETTER than what might happen if they make a stand.

    There's also people who just like to complain. They don't even need to be whingers, but I know that for me to get over something, I need to say it and feel that someone has heard it (They don't even really need to listen, just pretend in a convincing way... lol). Then I have said it, had my whinge, and I'm over it. I whinged about my boss all the time to DP. I didn't hate her nearly as much as a listener would have thought... I just needed to complain so I could get over it, and I like to exaggerate when I'm having a whinge.

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  13. #39
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    Quote Originally Posted by LaDiDah View Post
    Not true. I stand up to my dad all the time and he still continues to belittle me and treat me like crap. Granted he doesn't continue it for long cause he knows he won't get a rise from me but he still attempts it everytime.
    How do you stand up to him? Perhaps if you were stricter in your consequences he would improve? At the least if you cut contact he wouldn't be able to belittle you anymore. I'm not saying this is the best outcome for your situation (which I do not know the details of). Just that as an adult you theoretically have the power to make it stop.

  14. #40
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    I think, as a society, "we" have allowed the bad treatment of women for a very very long time. I don't think it's now fair to expect the victims of this societal construct to turn that tide and suddenly start to disallow it, much as I wish they could - as it would be the easy solution.

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