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  1. #21
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    In business ( well mine anyway!) absolutely true, in my personal life I am like OP and very confident and thankfully have never been in any abusive relationships but yes when emotions/moods/ hormones are involved its a very general statement that does not apply to everyone and easier said than done

  2. #22
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mokeybear View Post
    So when I am reading about an abusive situation I cringe at the put down comments, she already hears this! She is already knocked down! what she needs is her self esteem built up because once she gets that, that's when you will get her out the door.
    I think though, that people don't mean them as put downs, in fact rather the opposite. Bc many of these women are brainwashed, sometimes it takes someone to say that isn't normal or healthy, get out, for them to realise it's true. Some may argue that trying to get her to summon some strength to leave IS building her self esteem, since that is what she is lacking. The same people may argue that saying 'oh you poor thing, hang in there and get counselling' is almost reinforcing staying with the perpetrator and her staying the victim. YKWIM?

    It's a complex subject, which is why I started the thread.

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  4. #23
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    Quote Originally Posted by delirium View Post
    People treat you how you allow them to treat you.

    Your thoughts?
    Agreed, only I'd add an extra word... people continue to treat you how you allow them to treat you.

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  6. #24
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    Quote Originally Posted by delirium View Post
    I think though, that people don't mean them as put downs, in fact rather the opposite. Bc many of these women are brainwashed, sometimes it takes someone to say that isn't normal or healthy, get out, for them to realise it's true. Some may argue that trying to get her to summon some strength to leave IS building her self esteem, since that is what she is lacking. The same people may argue that saying 'oh you poor thing, hang in there and get counselling' is almost reinforcing staying with the perpetrator and her staying the victim. YKWIM?

    It's a complex subject, which is why I started the thread.
    Oh yes I get this, I am more talking about posters who just seem frustrated about a situation in five minutes and can't believe by the end of a thread that she hasn't left yet ( not saying she shouldn't of ) but it's rarely as simple as that - yes it's complex.

  7. #25
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    Having grown up in abusive household I think yes and no. Generally speaking relationships don't start off imbalanced but it creeps up over time. Often, like in my dad's case there are reasons/excuses that seem reasonable at the time to those within the relationship. His personality really changed after a near death experience, my mum had committed ti him through sickness and in health, prior to this there was imbalance - but generally the good far outweighed the bad. As it was a slow process it gets to the point where standing up for yourself puts you in immediate danger. You've been worn down over years, you feel worthless and like you should just accept what you have. I believe if she'd stood up to him sooner the only result would have been her being severely beaten and leaving sooner than it did happen. I don't believe her standing up to him earlier could have at any point resulted in a happy balanced relationship because he's a NPD a hole. It really helps no one to make a comment like the OP's statement in these scenarios.

    I have tried to apply it to how I live my life and yet I still found myself putting up with cr.ap from Mr. Wrong for way too long. Not abuse but definite attempts at gaslighting. Was it because I had such poor relationship role models? Was there more I could have done early on? Again the OP's statement essentially places blame on me for the situation and negates the fact that my XH had major issues of his own.

    I think it's a good mantra though when dealing with smaller issues like a work colleague undermining you in meetings or a one-sided friendship.

    Sent from my GT-S5830 using The Bub Hub mobile app

  8. #26
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    Sorry, double post!
    Last edited by Stretched; 16-02-2014 at 12:05.

  9. #27
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    Quote Originally Posted by delirium View Post
    I admit, I do read some threads and think wtf? leave!!! But you and I are strong personalities that refuse to put up with crap. Not everyone is like us. When I was very young, I was in a bad relationship with a guy that cheated on me, controlled me and tried to cut me off from my friends. For a while he had me at a point I refused to believe he was cheating and I defended him. I did wake up, and got rid of him. But again, even as a teen I was a pretty strong person.

    I dunno, I just think the basis is somewhat true, people need to stand their ground and demand good treatment. In marriages, friendships, at work. But it over simplifies things.
    I'm the same, as in I have a strong personality.
    I stayed with my awful ex husband for far too long because I was too stubborn to give up what I wanted (my family in tact) not because he had power over me mentally.
    I've always had someone to turn to as well so it makes it hard for me to understand how some people can't leave.
    However I've had people not close to me walk all over me and I find it hard to stand up when I'm not familiar with that person or how they may react. Not so much now I guess but definitely when I was younger.

  10. #28
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mokeybear View Post
    Oh yes I get this, I am more talking about posters who just seem frustrated about a situation in five minutes and can't believe by the end of a thread that she hasn't left yet ( not saying she shouldn't of ) but it's rarely as simple as that - yes it's complex.
    Yep, I agree it isn't helpful. But I admit a few times (particularly with those that start thread after thread over a long period of time) I may have been like that. It can be frustrating to read some write all these abusive things their partner is doing to them. They say how desperately unhappy they are. Members build them up and spend hours replying with supportive comments. She signs off thanking everyone for their uplifting messages and that she is going to put plans in place to leave.

    Then she updates saying everything is good again (honeymoon period anyone?) and how she resents how rude everyone has been to her DH, who is really just misunderstood and people need to mind their own business. 2/3/6 weeks later, the same member has started another thread, again including some pretty shocking treatment at the hands of her husband and asking for advice. Rinse and repeat.

    It can be really frustrating, particularly when they swing from bagging him out and asking for advice, to then getting angry with everyone once things have cooled. Of course it's part of the cycle of violence. But members are human just like the OP is.

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  12. #29
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    ...
    Last edited by ozeymumof5; 16-02-2014 at 17:05.

  13. #30
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    Quote Originally Posted by delirium View Post
    Yep, I agree it isn't helpful. But I admit a few times (particularly with those that start thread after thread over a long period of time) I may have been like that. It can be frustrating to read some write all these abusive things their partner is doing to them. They say how desperately unhappy they are. Members build them up and spend hours replying with supportive comments. She signs off thanking everyone for their uplifting messages and that she is going to put plans in place to leave.

    Then she updates saying everything is good again (honeymoon period anyone?) and how she resents how rude everyone has been to her DH, who is really just misunderstood and people need to mind their own business. 2/3/6 weeks later, the same member has started another thread, again including some pretty shocking treatment at the hands of her husband and asking for advice. Rinse and repeat.

    It can be really frustrating, particularly when they swing from bagging him out and asking for advice, to then getting angry with everyone once things have cooled. Of course it's part of the cycle of violence. But members are human just like the OP is.
    I've seen it and I get it!

    But that's a snapshot into the head of an abused woman.

    I remember the honeymoon period well, these guys are not always pricks unfortunately, and they reel you back in with how you really wish it was, it's denial denial denial and deep down inside she feels weak and less for not leaving, which is why they come out swinging to the ladies that are just trying to help. Easier to lash out out them than him.

    I understand the frustration though, it's a tough one.

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