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  1. #31
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    harvs is offline Winner 2014 - Spirit of BubHub Award
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    This OP made me so sad. I agree with what most PPs have written, but I just wanted to add that what stood out to me is that it's not so much that you two have different values (that stuff can be talked through over time), it's the way you are being spoken to. The fact that you are doubting your own reaction to the situation is, as another PP said, gaslighting, and the door is wide open for an emotionally abusive relationship to continue/escalate. You yourself have questioned staying with him. I'm not going to say to leave or anything like that, but I would suggest, from experience, that when you start to doubt yourself in one context, then that spreads and you doubt everything you feel and think. When your feelings are continually dismissed or mocked, you start to believe that it's you with the problem.

    Well, you do have a problem. The problem is your husband. He doesn't sound to me like he will change. Does he speak to you this way in front of your children? Because children will learn from what they experience. Do you want your children speaking to you like that as well? Or to enter relationships where they speak like that? Because you deserve better. You sound like you've been trying so hard for a long time, and your needs aren't being met or even valued. I would suggest you go to counselling and just talk out how you feel.

    Just as an aside, but kind of OT, I often see hubbers comment that they 'wouldn't put up with that' or 'wouldn't stand for that'. When I've had my own threads where this comment has been made, I understand intellectually that it's coming from a place of supportiveness, as in - no, that's really out of line - but it used to make me feel...weak, or a failure or something. I understand that you can only do what you can as far as your husband is concerned. You've tried reasoning, you've tried arguing. It's not as simple sometimes as just saying 'I don't accept this'. I get that. But there is some very good advice here that it might be worth trying if you still have it in you. Good luck.

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  3. #32
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    Quote Originally Posted by KaraB View Post
    That's the thing isn't it? You sound anxious already and you are trying to keep up with his demands but it's not good enough for him. So what's the point in trying when you are beaten down with criticism the second he walks in the door? I bet you get a sick feeling in your stomach when you hear him coming arriving home in anticipation of his complaining, I know I would
    Thanks, yes I'm anxious the whole day he is due home, not knowing when he is due home, is the house clean enough, are the kids behaving, making sure they don't trash anything before he gets home so I don't have to reclean it. That sick feeling in is my stomach the whole time he is home, am I doing enough house work, are the kids behaving, is everything in order, it's like freedom when he goes, really dreading him being home everyday when he starts back in town

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    I couldn't read and not reply. I feel so sad for you My hubby does fifo 7/7, I work full time with 3 yr old dd and there is absolutely no way we could do it if he didn't help when he was home. He does everything when he is at home and understands how demanding our dd can be. He would rather me spend time with her than spend time cleaning. Of course I do as much as I can when he is away but if I ever felt anxious about him returning because of the housework I would seriously consider why I was staying in the relationship or at least look at getting some counselling together to help him listen to what you are saying. Your husband needs to man up and start taking responsibility for his family!!! Perhaps let him see some of the responses on here

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    Quote Originally Posted by TerrorJay View Post
    Thanks, yes I'm anxious the whole day he is due home, not knowing when he is due home, is the house clean enough, are the kids behaving, making sure they don't trash anything before he gets home so I don't have to reclean it. That sick feeling in is my stomach the whole time he is home, am I doing enough house work, are the kids behaving, is everything in order, it's like freedom when he goes, really dreading him being home everyday when he starts back in town
    I felt so sad reading that Jay This isn't a loving partnership and this isn't how a relationship should be. You should be looking forward to him coming home, not dreading it waiting for the constant criticisms.

    He's a jerk OP. Be strong and refuse to put up with it anymore.

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  9. #35
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    Quote Originally Posted by TerrorJay View Post
    Thanks, yes I'm anxious the whole day he is due home, not knowing when he is due home, is the house clean enough, are the kids behaving, making sure they don't trash anything before he gets home so I don't have to reclean it. That sick feeling in is my stomach the whole time he is home, am I doing enough house work, are the kids behaving, is everything in order, it's like freedom when he goes, really dreading him being home everyday when he starts back in town
    I'm sorry OP but this is not how things should be in a loving relationship based on mutual respect.

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    Quote Originally Posted by TerrorJay View Post
    Thanks, yes I'm anxious the whole day he is due home, not knowing when he is due home, is the house clean enough, are the kids behaving, making sure they don't trash anything before he gets home so I don't have to reclean it. That sick feeling in is my stomach the whole time he is home, am I doing enough house work, are the kids behaving, is everything in order, it's like freedom when he goes, really dreading him being home everyday when he starts back in town
    Oh hon You're living in an oppressive environment when he's home Do you in your heart of hearts think he is willing and or capable of changing? Do you even feel enough for him any more for it to matter if he did? It seems that there has been considerable damage done to your relationship, but most importantly to you and your self esteem Thats not ok. To be honest I don't blame you for keeping your eye on the exit. You haven't said anything that sounds good or hopeful about the situation let alone expressed any feeling of wanting to stay. Only dread

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  13. #37
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    I am someone who likes a 'display home' but as far as that goes it's MY choice and dh has never expected this of me. If your partner wants a perfectly clean, tidy home then HE should do the work! It's got nothing to do with being a sahm!

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    You have 3 kids the housework will never be done, it's always ongoing. Just to keep the house respectable it's bloody hardwork!
    Of course you know that but he doesn't seem too, I feel for you I have only two kids I was lucky to get anything done with a 4 month old. Does he interact and help with your children's personal needs when he is home to realise how much time it takes just to care for kids?

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    Quote Originally Posted by TerrorJay View Post
    No offence to any single parents out there, but I told him that's what I basically feel like, I get no emotional support, no help around the home, all he gives me is financial help, and I have to do absolutely everything for him
    I'm a solo mum, you definitely have it worse! It's very peaceful being a single mum, no pressure, you just do things when you want. No resentment.

    Maybe point out if you left he would still be financially supporting the kids without any one to clean or pack his bags.

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  19. #40
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    Please please update us on how he went alone with the kids!

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