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  1. #1
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    Default Am I overreacting or are his expectations right for a SAHM?

    Ok, so a bit of a vent/am I being over reactive? DF is currently working away 5/2, so only home 1 and 1/2 days every week, although he has been chucking a sickie every Monday and having the extra day off. I am a stay at home mum to 3 kids (3 1/2, 19months and 4months), but I feel like I'm being treated like a slave, baby sitter and housekeeper. The amount of fights that we have over these issues is unbelievable and starting to have a toll on everyone. He seems to think that since I'm home everyday and only have the kids to look after I should have the house sparkling and basically like a display house. He thinks that my whole time should be whole and solely dedicated to cleaning the house and looking after the kids, if I mention that I have been to the park with friends or playgroup he gets really stroppy and makes me feel bad and makes snide comments that I should be home cleaning the house. He came home last night to a house in reason all condition, a few dishes to wash, a few things on the floor, but overall the house was relatively clean (did a big clean the day before), but not even 2 minutes in the house and he is having a dig at me for the state of the house. Fast forward a few hours and the eldest comes down with a vomiting bug, I stay up all night with her, plus deal with the babies waking up in the night, all 4 of us were in the nursery. So when he gets up this morning I just wanted an hours sleep so that I could start cleaning up the mess and get greeted with that's what having kids is about, you don't get to rest, I'm going fishing (yes planned, but over night won't be home till late tomorrow) so I'm like just let me have an hour sleep to refresh, but he was adamant that he had things to do so that he could go fishing! I feel like we all come second to his precious fishing and apparently he is caring for his children by going to work to give them a roof over their head and food, and it's not his fault he has to work away and then makes plans to spend the whole weekend (his only days off fishing). Am I right for over reacting and chucking a stink for not getting my sleep.
    I don't expect anything of him when he gets home, he doesn't have to help clean, doesn't have to help with the kids, unless he offers to do it, I do all his washing, pack his bags ready for him to go away again, do any administrative things that needs to be done, do 95% of the cooking. He tells me that I'm over reacting and if I had the house clean and spotless and everyone in a happy mood when he got home there would be none of this fighting about the state of the house. Is that a fair call cause I'm a SAHM, with 3 kids under 3? I feel like a failure and that I'm no good for anybody any more
    Sorry for the long novel!

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  3. #2
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    Ummmmm I can't think of anything positive about this bloke you've described.

    If it were me id stop doing any of his cooking, cleaning, washing etc and just take care of myself and the kids.

    I take it he's never had the kids to himself for an arvo before? Book an appointment that takes up an entire morning or arvo and go out leaving the kids with him. See how much he gets done!

    His behaviour is disrespectful and he needs a good shake up!

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  5. #3
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    You are NOT over reacting. Your DH is being a bully. Your kids are at such demanding ages, his requests are unreasonable and selfish.

    Leave him at home alone for 24hrs with all kids and expect the same from him and see how he deals with it - it might be the wake up call he needs.

    Firstly, I would be hiring a cleaner. If he wants the house spotless when he gets home, get someone in the day he is due home. When you are a parent the house work should be the last priority. You go to playgroup to get yourself and kids out of the house, you all deserve that.

    It sounds like you guys need to have a good talk, you cannot go on like this.

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  7. #4
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    He's being a jerk, you have every right to take issue with that.

    I would stop doing his washing and packing his bag as a start. Seriously, he's a grown man, he can do that himself! Has he ever had to look after 3 kids by himself for a whole day before? If so, was the house spotless, washing & ironing done, dinner cooked by 6pm? I doubt it!!

    Also, HE signed up for the parenting gig too do that means looking after sick kids and putting social/recreational activities on hold when the family needs you.

    Has he always been like this or just since the kids came along or he started working away?

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  9. #5
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    You are definitely not overreacting! He is being completely disrespectful and needs to take responsibility for your kids.
    As pp said, I'd stop doing anything for him and just take care of yourself and the kids. You need time to yourself, everyone does, and he has no right to treat you in that way.
    Don't let yourself feel bad for needing time for you.

    Curiosity didn't kill the cat, the cat killed curiosity...

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    He's treating you like a maid

    I think if he wants a spotless house, he needs to pitch in and help, or pay for a cleaner. You have three little kids for crying out loud!

    He sounds very old fashioned in his mindset. The classic 'I bring in the money, so you should take care of everything else' attitude.

    Why don't you go away on your own for a weekend and leave him with the kids - see how he copes on his own. I bet you won't come home to a 'spotless' house! It might make him see that he's taking you for granted.

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  13. #7
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    No way are you overreacting, 3 children under 3 and he expects a spotless house ! Talk about having no idea!

    I agree with pp, leave him with the kids for a day so he has first hand experience of the chaos that comes with 3 little ones. This bloke needs to be humbled lol

    Also how selfish of him to not let you get some rest after the night from hell.

    I would just keep on enjoying play group and parks with your children, if he doesn't like it he can A. Clean it himself or B pay somebody to clean it. Yes and I wouldn't be packing his work bag or any of that rubbish either.

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  15. #8
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    Thanks everyone, I didn't think I was overreacting. Yes he is a bit old school in his thinking, even when I was working full time with just one little one, I was still the one required to do 95% of the household things.
    Come to think of it he has always been like this regardless of where he worked, when we just had the eldest and he was working in town, if he didn't come home to a clean house everyday he basically cracked it.
    I don't know how to get through to him, he thinks that his expectations are not unreasonable and can't understand what I do all day and why I need to get out of the house every couple of day, and always telling me that things only take 5 mins so if you do it straight away it won't build up, but you tell that to the older 2 children who are already in to something else by the time I even think about cleaning or moving something!
    He is going to get a wake up call tomorrow arvo as I know have a afternoon job, so he is going to be responsible for the kids from 5 to around 10-11 most nights (he is getting moved back into town in a few weeks, because he doesn't like being away from home) so will be interesting as he will have to bath, feed and bed, going to be interesting to see how much he achieves, he believes that I should be able to wash up all the dishes straight after the last plate has been finished.
    I'm really starting to question why I'm staying around to be with him.

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  17. #9
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    Wow definitely not overreacting!! I would be livid if I were you

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  19. #10
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    I'd be telling him since he's so unsupportive of you having time, that he wasn't going fishing and could look after his sick kids .... bc ya know.... that's what having kids is about

    Don't let him walk all over you.

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