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  1. #11
    harvs's Avatar
    harvs is offline Winner 2014 - Spirit of BubHub Award
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    This sounds very familiar to me. You sound as though you're in a lot of pain.

    I tend to think that sometimes recognising that a relationship is over and actually 'giving up' can take more strength then putting up with a miserable life. You have to decide for yourself where you go from here, but I can tell you from experience that having a partner who derides your attempts to talk about your feelings, who devalues your opinions, and who refuses to take responsibility for their own actions will eventually chip away at you until you feel like a shell of your former self. It's actually a form of abuse. People who cannot admit fault or even acknowledge that things can look different, and not wrong, through someone else's eyes don't change. Why would they? They're not wrong, it's everyone else...

    I've been through something very similar to you and I think it's going to take me a long time to recover. If someone makes you feel worthless for long enough then you start to believe that it's true. Your son needs to learn from the start how to treat women and lovers with respect. He needs a happy and healthy mummy. Feel free to PM me if you'd like.

    BTW, I don't mean to imply that you're weak if you decide to stay. Just responding to your statement about giving up. Only you know what's best for you and your son. Perhaps counselling on your own will help you, if for no other reason then to vent and to have your feelings validated. Best of luck to you.

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  3. #12
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    Thank you so much Mrs Harvey, you described perfectly how I feel and I take no offence at all I assure you. It makes me feel a bit better that I'm not alone.

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    KaraB  (02-02-2014)

  5. #13
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    Quote Originally Posted by mrsharvey View Post
    This sounds very familiar to me. You sound as though you're in a lot of pain.

    I tend to think that sometimes recognising that a relationship is over and actually 'giving up' can take more strength then putting up with a miserable life. You have to decide for yourself where you go from here, but I can tell you from experience that having a partner who derides your attempts to talk about your feelings, who devalues your opinions, and who refuses to take responsibility for their own actions will eventually chip away at you until you feel like a shell of your former self. It's actually a form of abuse. People who cannot admit fault or even acknowledge that things can look different, and not wrong, through someone else's eyes don't change. Why would they? They're not wrong, it's everyone else...

    I've been through something very similar to you and I think it's going to take me a long time to recover. If someone makes you feel worthless for long enough then you start to believe that it's true. Your son needs to learn from the start how to treat women and lovers with respect. He needs a happy and healthy mummy. Feel free to PM me if you'd like.

    BTW, I don't mean to imply that you're weak if you decide to stay. Just responding to your statement about giving up. Only you know what's best for you and your son. Perhaps counselling on your own will help you, if for no other reason then to vent and to have your feelings validated. Best of luck to you.
    Yes! I've been there before also. That's an excellent description of it.

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    Quote Originally Posted by siennasyummymummy View Post
    I feel the same way sometimes. We've been together for 3 1/2 years.
    He is a absolute jerks sometimes, we fight often, but when I think about happy times, I remember how much I love him and how much I do actually need him.

    i think if you can't do that anymore, and if you don't see a happy future, it's not worth sticking around.
    I used to be able to, that's why I stuck around I guess. Now the bad out ways the good and I can't see the happiness. It's even gotten to the point where I'm reflecting on past relationships (one in particular that ended messily) and longing for an ex which makes me feel unbelievably guilty.

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  8. #15
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    Witwicky is offline A closed mouth gathers no foot.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lost and Running View Post
    I guess that's it really, I can't see us being together in the long run. Not happily anyway.

    My parents split up when I was young and I guess in a way I just didn't want that to happen to my son so I tried to make it work but it's just not happening.

    I should probably mention that we split up about 18 months ago for about 2 months. At first he was awful to me, used to harass me constantly until he basically broke down begging for me to try again so I did and nothing has changed permanently so it's not like I haven't given it my all.

    I feel exhausted from being with him which I don't think is how a healthy relationship should be.
    I can understand this. My parents are divorced, all of my Aunties and Uncles on both sides are divorced, and Grandparents on both sides are divorced. I was determined to break the cycle, but I think it gets to a point where you realise that it's important to be happy - if not for yourself, then at least for the sake of your child/ren (who are often very perceptive and eerily good at picking up on moods).

    I believe it's important to exhibit positive behaviour within a relationship to your children and for them to see love, tenderness, caring behaviour...to me, those things are more important than staying in a relationship just because the DH/DP is their biological father. That's just my two cents

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    The status quo can't continue: you deserve to be happy. The relationship either needs to be fixed or you need to leave and carve out your own happiness. If hubby won't see a counsellor it could still be helpful to see one yourself. They might help give you strategies to use when talking with hubby or by simply talking with a professional it might give you the strength and confidence to make a break.

    Best of luck...

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    I'll echo the sentiments of most of the previous posters, you sound very unhappy and that is no way to live. If I may offer a perspective based on my experience. You say that one of the reasons you remain in this relationship is because your parents separated and you don't want your child to go through that. I completely understand and respect your desire to put your child first however sometimes the best thing you can do for your child is to ensure your own happiness, this way you are in a better frame of mind to be a better parent.

    Growing my parents fought all the time, it was never abusive but they just seemed to be terminally unhappy with each other. All these years later and nothing has changed, they are still married and often miserable. I get put in the middle a lot, as I have been since I was younger, where they will both complain to me about the other. It's honestly exhausting and there were time when I was younger I wished they'd just divorce and get on with it, I was sick of all the arguing and tension in our home. It's also affected my relationship with them, especially my Mum, as I get so tired of hearing her complain about Dad all the time but she'll never do anything to effect change in her life. I'm not saying that you would do this or that you should leave your partner, just wanted to put it out there that sometimes staying in an unhappy relationship can be just as unhappy for the children involved. Best of luck with whatever you decide. Even if your partner refuses counselling I think it would still be very useful for you just to have someone to talk with and get some clarity for yourself.

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    There's some good advice here OP.

    He sounds very controlling, and seems not to give two hoots about your needs or happiness. A good partner will want to work on the relationship, not dismiss your concerns.

    It sounds like you have a great support network and will manage on your own - this will be invaluable if you decide to walk away.

    You deserve to be happy and whatever the outcome I wish you all the best

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    Thank you all for your advice.

    I told him how I felt, that I was unsure of our future and my feelings towards him. I suggested counselling and discussing things properly. In true form he refused, got angry, accused me of a variety of ridiculous things and has been making my life miserable for the past couple days.

    I told him to stay with his parents which he won't do because he's embarrassed or ashamed. He says he will find his own place so we will see what happens. The house we are in now is owned by my mother that we rent from her so I'm not going anywhere and I've made that perfectly clear.

    I almost gave into him just to make his torment stop but I have faith he will stop soon so I'm opting for temporary misery than long term.

    Thank you all again xx

  16. #20
    harvs's Avatar
    harvs is offline Winner 2014 - Spirit of BubHub Award
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    Gosh, he sounds horribly defensive. I know my husband was very sensitive to feeling 'attacked' and would come out swinging. Unfortunately, talking about anything at all was considered attacking!

    Perhaps you could flip it, and calmly ask him if he his happy, or if there is anything you could change about your behaviour in the relationship? Then you could model constructive listening and point out to him that even though he has said some things that were difficult to hear, or that you didn't necessarily agree with, you haven't flown off the handle, been aggressive etc.? If he refuses to even engage in the conversation to start with I would suggest he has a massive block and a lot of fear of change, and he is doing the whole fight/flight thing and attacking you. Not cool at all, but at least there's a starting point if you do feel like trying to salvage your relationship.

    Hang in there. It's good that you're sticking up for yourself x


 

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