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  1. #1
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    Default Where did the love go?

    I'm an undercover hubber looking for advice...

    I don't think I love my partner anymore. We have been together for 4 years and have one child together. We had our baby very early into our relationship by accident. I'm convinced if it wasn't for the pregnancy that we still wouldn't be together.

    We don't enjoy any of the same activities and spend very little time together. When we do it's strained and generally ends in an argument. We disagree about (what I see as) important values in life, and definitely what we expect from our OH. He wants a housewife that does everything for everyone, never complains, has little or no social life and definitely no male friends.

    Before I met him I was very outgoing and bubbly, I feel like I've lost that person. I have cut out a lot of friends because he doesn't like them or want me to spend time with them. But then, he complains that I spend too much time on the computer or at home so basically I can't win.

    I have spoken to him about my feelings a lot, he turns it into a big argument and belittles my feelings. I try to reason with him and make him tell me how he feels or what I could do to help the situation but he won't try. His response to everything is "just dump me then" (although I don't know if this is a joke or if he is half tempting me to do it). He would never go to couples counselling or even have a proper discussion with just me, he just becomes extremely immature.


    Basically I feel like giving up. I'm willing to compromise and help the relationship but he won't, he doesn't believe he ever does or says the things he does. He only reason I haven't left already is because of our child.


    Help please.

  2. #2
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    I think you have some pretty heavy thinking to do

    Maybe he is thinking the same as you and doesn't want to be the person to end it. Or, Maybe he is scared of losing you and clams up. are you scared of being on your own and what it entails?

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  4. #3
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    It's hard if he's not willing to meet you half way Have you considered writing him a letter explaining how you're feeling and maybe leaving it with him? That way he can't interrupt and has time to process in order to respond in a more mature way? Do you remember what it was you loved about him when you met and what he loved about you? Maybe you could work on getting back in touch with those aspects of your relationship again? You sound very unhappy, it's no way to live I hope you get some answers either way soon.

  5. #4
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    How did you feel writing it your first sentence. Did it cement your feelings or did it almost feel wrong to push the post button?

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    I feel that he has the same "not caring" attitude but just won't admit it.

    I have sent him a text like a letter before, extremely long and well thought out explaining how I feel. He still acts immature and says "no worries mate".

    It's funny you ask about thinking back to when we first met and what I loved about him... I can't do it. I sit and think, when was that defining moment I knew I loved him, but I don't have one. He definitely changed when I became pregnant. He wanted an abortion but I wouldn't do it and I feel that perhaps he resents me for it (although he loves our child and doesn't regret having him).

    I'm not frightened of being alone. I have supportive family close by, I have stable living arrangements, I work part time and I could be more than fine to look after our child alone (in fact things go much smoother when my partner isn't home).

    I guess I don't want to "give up" even though I feel I've done all I can to save it, and there is only so much I can give before there's nothing left! And why should I be the one making the effort and compromising if he won't? Especially if it's at the price of my own happiness

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  9. #6
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    Witwicky is offline A closed mouth gathers no foot.
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    You sound very unhappy

    I don't think staying because you don't want to give up is a good reason for staying. Can you picture being with him in 5 years? 10 years? It sounds as though you might just be dragging out the inevitable.

    These things are never easy, no matter the circumstances. I'm sorry you are in this situation

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    I guess that's it really, I can't see us being together in the long run. Not happily anyway.

    My parents split up when I was young and I guess in a way I just didn't want that to happen to my son so I tried to make it work but it's just not happening.

    I should probably mention that we split up about 18 months ago for about 2 months. At first he was awful to me, used to harass me constantly until he basically broke down begging for me to try again so I did and nothing has changed permanently so it's not like I haven't given it my all.

    I feel exhausted from being with him which I don't think is how a healthy relationship should be.

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    I've spent a lot of time over the past few years thinking about my marriage. We have a lot of problems but love each other - there's a lot of love there.

    Two friends of mine have recently separated. They both spoke of falling out of love, losing those feelings and "pretending" for a long time before finally deciding to end it. They are both very glad they did.

    What I'm saying is if the love isn't there - I don't think there's any point trying to work things out. Different if you really love each other but take each other a bit for granted/have gotten stale, but it sounds like there's not much of a foundation in terms of attraction/deep love.

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    Ahh ok. Maybe you should at least move out then? And if anything remains between you both it you will both know because you will miss each other. If not then you have your answer. I mean would it feel better if you think of it as a trial separation or would you prefer a clean break? As for him responding with 'no worries mate' after you pouring your heart out that's actually quite hostile. You don't deserve that at all From that I get a sense if how terribly lonely it must feel living with that kind of ambient resentment I would want to leave in that situation too..

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    IMO a relationship can never be salvaged unless both want to work at it. He sounds controlling and immature. This sounds more than a rough patch but rather you've never truly been happy together. After all the years I've been with my DH, despite him P'ing me off sometimes, I look at him and still get butterflies.

    I would suggest counselling to him, and if he doesn't agree I'd be packing my bags if I were you. Life is too short to not be happy.

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