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  1. #1
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    Default Devestated and totally shocked.

    Hi all.

    I just found out I'm pregnant, this wasn't planned at all, we had one contraceptive free slip up only weeks ago & I took the morning after pill within 24 hours - I'm just totally shocked that I am within the 5% that it doesn't work for.

    My ex and his girlfriend are also expecting and I would be due only 2 months after them - how would it impact DD to have her Dads partner give birth to her sibling, then only two months later her mother? Aside from that, my DP and I really wanted to wait until we are married to have children together and we aren't in the place we want to be in order to have a child.. But I just don't know if I can go through a termination. I know that I want to spend my life with this man, but the timing isn't right, and I'm worried about how this situation will effect my DD . I'm so scared and already anticipating that this will emotionally scarr me. I've read up on medical termination but that sounds awful and I have been through a surgical termination when I was much younger and that process was difficult, although totally right for me then.

    How will I handle special dates, ie what would have been my due date, meeting exDPs baby & DDs sibling? I just don't know how I'll cope emotionally, I'd really appreciate some words of wisdom from someone whose recently been there.. thank you.


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    Last edited by PorkyPies; 31-01-2014 at 06:17.

  2. #2
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    Hey there, I know how awful this is when you feel so shocked and unprepared. I'm 23 weeks along now but when I found out I was pregnant I was so lost about what to do, (feel free to read my thread in the unplanned pregnancy section). It was excruciating. Obviously i chose to keep my baby and i'm so glad i did. Initially though i really didn't think i could do this at all. It's sounds to me like you're not sure you want a termination but you're not sure about a baby now either. The only problem is the situation isn't exactly hypothetical when you're already pregnant and that's where that dreadful panic sets in, I know How does your DP feel about it all? The fact that you want children one day with him is a factor that makes me think that you could actually be happy about this given time to get used to the idea. The good news is you are together and very serious about each other so the timing thing although not ideal in your mind really isn't insurmountable in the sense that it wouldn't necessarily adversely affect your plans or how you feel about each other it would just change the timing. Sometimes these things happen for a reason. I think you really need some time to let it sink in some before you make a decision. I know abortion sounds like it would just wash it all away but you could also really regret it. You made a baby with the man you love, it's actually really lovely as well, I know that's hard to see when you're shell shocked but there are positives to your situation as well. Your other child won't care at all about your ex having a baby a few months before you, kids don't think like that at all. If anything they are usually excited and happy to be having a sibling You will be ok no matter what. Feel free to pm me if you need to talk. *hugs*
    Last edited by KaraB; 31-01-2014 at 05:02.

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  4. #3
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    Forget about the noise (how your child will cope, whether it is the perfect time). That stuff can be addressed. What, in your heart, do you WANT to do? Whatever decision you make, if you go against what you are feeling in your heart you will likely regret it. My good friend did that and years later she still regrets her decision.

    Best of luck...

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    I haven't been in exactly your situation, porkypies, but I just wanted to offer my support.

    I know that there are a lot of factors worrying you at present but I suggest that you take some time to really listen to what your heart is saying, as Vicpark suggests.

    Have you considered that the dual pregnancy thing may actually unite you more with your ex's partner? You'll have something in common to discuss and your children may end up friends with each other at family functions - it's funny how some of the things that worry us so much now can end up unimportant in the long run and are occasionally blessings in disguise.

    TBH, I'm not sure that there's ever a "right" time to have a child - but all of my "unplanned" ones have been absolute joys in my life.

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  8. #5
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    bunkx is offline Being happy doesn't mean that everything is perfect. It means that you've decided to look beyond the imperfections
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    You need to listen to your heart & do what you want to do !!!
    My dd1 was unplanned and it turned out to be the best unplanned thing ever I remember being stressed about the timing the cost ect but things normally fall in place

    If you terminate you need to be 100% sure it's what you want because if it's not it will haunt you forever trust me

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    Thank you for your responses. My DP is very sensible & also agrees that it's not the right time, but he can't seem to make a decision either way. Essentially, we both feel the same about it. Initially, we have considered the reasons we can't habe a child right now, but are now working through how we could make it work. The biggest thing for us both is that we aren't married. My DD was conceived when exDP and I weren't together, we tried & failed to make it work & I have maintained that I want to be married before having another child. We also don't live together and have only been together just under 18 months.

    All in all, the situation is less than ideal, but we have plans to marry & TTC this time next year which makes it even harder because there is only 12 months between now & then. Financially, we both earn decent wages & he has investment properties plus a business and we would be absolutely fine from that perspective. My heart says I can't go through a termination, my head says it's not perfect timing. I burst into tears everytime we discuss termination - my head and my heart just cannot reconcile with each other

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    Quote Originally Posted by bunkx View Post
    You need to listen to your heart & do what you want to do !!!
    My dd1 was unplanned and it turned out to be the best unplanned thing ever I remember being stressed about the timing the cost ect but things normally fall in place

    If you terminate you need to be 100% sure it's what you want because if it's not it will haunt you forever trust me
    Bunkx - have you experienced regret regarding a termination? This is my biggest fear, I don't know how I would cope emotionally if I came to regret it. DP has said he isn't going anywhere, and either way we will make it work, but I am terrified of the impact the psychological affects may have on our relationship if I go through a termination & end up not being able to handle it. I'm afraid I will resent him & hate myself endlessly

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    I'm sorry your going through this and I really feel of you.. Someone said to me once that people regret the children that they didn't have not the ones they did. Of course if you decide to terminate it is completely understandable but your situation is much better than many who have unplanned pregnancies. All the best xo

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    Sorry if I'm misinterpreting, OP, but from what I can understand the main issue is that you would prefer to be married? I mean, you have financial security and relationship security... I imagine your DD would be over the moon to have two brand new siblings, although of course I don't know her. Can you get married this year instead? Or would it help to be engaged? For what it's worth, I think 18 months is not too short a time to have been in a relationship before deciding to have a child together.

    No one else can tell you what to do, but from your posts it seems pretty clear to me which way you're leaning. Perhaps you can see a counsellor who can reflect your thoughts for you to help you make your decision. Good luck, and I wish you well...

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    Hi PorkyPies,

    I was forced into a termination many years ago, i am now married and have 2 beautiful children but i always mourn the loss of my first child, the regret and guilt has never faded for me.

    Please take time to listen to your heart, the timing may not be great but the time spent regretting your decision is a lot harder to deal with.

    I wish you all the best in whatever decision you and you partner come to.

    Quote Originally Posted by PorkyPies View Post
    Bunkx - have you experienced regret regarding a termination? This is my biggest fear, I don't know how I would cope emotionally if I came to regret it. DP has said he isn't going anywhere, and either way we will make it work, but I am terrified of the impact the psychological affects may have on our relationship if I go through a termination & end up not being able to handle it. I'm afraid I will resent him & hate myself endlessly

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