So after finding out I was pregnant. I tried so hard to get excited. As soon as I peed on that stupid stick.. I was instantly heartbroken... Nothing could fix how I was feeling. I cried for hours each day for 2.5 weeks, then after much thought. I had a termination on the weekend. I was very early. 6 weeks to be exact. And I was fine. I got through it all no tears, even with what he said .Now the ex wasn't too supportive even said as we were leaving "lets go and blender this baby" but still it was cool i brushed it all off as he was hurt and he had every right to be.
I came out of surgery in pain.. (ALOT) but no bleeding so I was ok with it all... still no tears.... Come Tuesday....... well I started pouring out with blood making everything so much more real... and all my emotions came crashing down... Suddenly the blood made it so much more real... and now I cant stop thinking about what if. Or i would be having my ultrasound tomorrow... just stupid little things like that.. then today.. a baby bunting catalog arrived at my house which made me cry and now I am refusing to go outside besides with my kids.
I deleted my fb as I have 3 friends having babies and pics are everywhere and I keep thinking ... hey that could of been me..
Now my reasons for not keeping this baby were logical. I just started a new job, I am 3 months behind in my bills. I am struggling to look after my current 2 beautiful girls and I wanted to give them the best, and even with my job I would be struggling. I don't want to live on centrelink, and I want to get my own home when I can afford it so I don't have to struggle as much. The father and I are not together and never will be again.
But then as soon as I started bleeding I started regretting everything, my whole logical thinking was pushed away and all my emotions have taken over. I cannot stop crying about this. And it is so stupid, I know I shouldn't be feeling hurt, I wasn't hurt until the bleeding happened, I was fine, I was happy with my choice.. maybe it was out of sight and out of mind - and I was cool with that. Now it is affecting my job as I am crying, and I cant go to do my study either as I cant even make it out the door.
Now I am having horrible cramps and all I keep on thinking is I should of taken the pill instead. At least I would of been able to say goodbye, rather than them taking it and shredding it to make sure they got it all....
I am just so hurt and I don't know where else to turn right now. My ex wants me to turn to him, but I don't him touching me.
Please someone is any of this normal???? I feel like I am letting my current children down because I am emotional, which then makes me even wonder why I did it in the first place.