+ Reply to Thread
Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 20
  1. #1
    headoverfeet's Avatar
    headoverfeet is offline The truth will set you free, but first it will **** you off. -Gloria Steinem
    Join Date
    Nov 2007
    Location
    Australia
    Posts
    18,954
    Thanks
    3,142
    Thanked
    4,892
    Reviews
    1
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 postsAmethyst Star - 5,000 postsEmerald Star - 10,000 postsRuby Star - 15,000 posts
    Awards:
    100 Posts in a week

    Exclamation How was your day? Fine? The Questions That Will Save Your Relationships.

    The Questions That Will Save Your Relationships

    When I was a mama of three very tiny, very messy, very beautiful rug rats, we had DAYS THAT WENT ON FOR LIFETIMES. Craig left at 6:00 a.m. every morning and as I watched his showered, ironed self leave the house I felt incredibly blessed and thrilled to have so much time alone with my babies and incredibly terrified and bitter to have so much time alone with my babies. If you don't believe that all of those feelings can exist at once -- well, you've never been a parent to many tiny, messy, beautiful rug rats.

    When Craig returned each day at 6:00 p.m. (he actually returned at 5:50 but took a STUNNINGLY LONG TIME TO GET THE MAIL) he'd walk through the door, smile and say -- "So! How was your day?"


    This question was like a spotlight pointed directly at the chasm between his experience of a "DAY" and my experience of a "DAY." How was my day?


    The question would linger in the air for a moment while I stared at Craig and the baby shoved her hand in my mouth like they do -- while the oldest screamed MOMMY I NEED HELP POOING from the bathroom and the middle one cried in the corner because I NEVER EVER EVER let her drink the dishwasher detergent. NOT EVER EVEN ONCE, MOMMY!!! And I'd look down at my spaghetti-stained pajama top, unwashed hair, and gorgeous baby on my hip -- and my eyes would wander around the room, pausing to notice the toys peppering the floor and the kids' stunning new art on the fridge...


    And I'd want to say:


    How was my day? Today has been a lifetime. It was the best of times and the worst of times. There were moments when my heart was so full I thought I might explode, and there were other moments when my senses were under such intense assault that I was CERTAIN I'd explode. I was both lonely and absolutely desperate to be alone. I was saturated -- just BOMBARDED with touch and then the second I put down this baby I yearned to smell her sweet skin again. I was simultaneously bored out of my skull and completely overwhelmed with so much to do. Today was too much and not enough. It was loud and silent. It was brutal and beautiful. I was at my very best today and then, just a moment later, at my very worst. At 3:30 today I decided that we should adopt four more children, and then at 3:35 I decided that we should give up the kids we already have for adoption. Husband -- when your day is completely and totally dependent upon the moods and needs and schedules of tiny, messy, beautiful rug rats your day is ALL OF THE THINGS and NONE OF THE THINGS, sometimes within the same three minute period. But I'm not complaining. This is not a complaint, so don't try to FIX IT. I wouldn't have my day Any.Other.Way. I'm just saying -- it's a hell of a hard thing to explain -- an entire day with lots of babies.


    But I'd be too tired to say all of that. So I'd just cry, or yell, or smile and say "fine," and then hand the baby over and run to Target to wander aisles aimlessly, because that's all I ever really wanted. But I'd be a little sad because love is about really being seen and known and I wasn't being seen or known then. Everything was really hard to explain. It made me lonely.


    So we went went to therapy, like we do.


    Through therapy, we learned to ask each other better questions. We learned that if we really want to know our people, if we really care to know them -- we need to ask them better questions and then really listen to their answers. We need to ask questions that carry along with them this message: "I'm not just checking the box here. I really care what you have to say and how you feel. I really want to know you." If we don't want throwaway answers, we can't ask throwaway questions. A caring question is a key that will unlock a room inside the person you love.


    So Craig and I don't ask "How was your day?" anymore. After a few years of practicing increasingly intimate question asking, now we find ourselves asking each other questions like these:


    When did you feel loved today?


    When did you feel lonely?


    What did I do today that made you feel appreciated?


    What did I say that made you feel unnoticed?


    What can I do to help you right now?


    I know. WEEEEEIRRD at first. But not after a while. Not any weirder than asking the same damn empty questions you've always asked that elicit the same damn empty answers you've always gotten.


    And so now when our kids get home from school, we don't say: "How was your day?" Because they don't know. Their day was lots of things.


    Instead we ask:


    How did you feel during your spelling test?


    What did you say to the new girl when you all went out to recess?


    Did you feel lonely at all today?


    Were there any times you felt proud of yourself today?


    And I never ask my friends: "How are you?" Because they don't know either.


    Instead I ask:


    How is your mom's chemo going?


    How'd that conference with Ben's teacher turn out?


    What's going really well with work right now?


    Questions are like gifts -- it's the thought behind them that the receiver really FEELS. We have to know the receiver to give the right gift and to ask the right question. Generic gifts and questions are all right, but personal gifts and questions feel better. Love is specific, I think. It's an art. The more attention and time you give to your questions, the more beautiful the answers become.


    Life is a conversation. Make it a good one.
    This is brilliant.

  2. The Following 16 Users Say Thank You to headoverfeet For This Useful Post:

    AdornedWithCats  (28-02-2014),Apple iPhart6  (27-01-2014),AppleIsleSMum  (27-01-2014),ArthurDent  (27-01-2014),Jellyfishie  (27-01-2014),MissMuppet  (27-01-2014),NnB  (27-01-2014),Purple Lily  (27-01-2014),Pusheen The Cat  (28-01-2014),Renn  (27-01-2014),Rose&Aurelia&Hannah  (27-01-2014),siennasyummymummyxxx  (28-01-2014),smallpotatoes  (27-01-2014),Sookie Stackedhouse  (27-01-2014),wobbleyhorse  (27-01-2014),~BEXTER~  (27-01-2014)

  3. #2
    Join Date
    Jun 2012
    Location
    Brisbane
    Posts
    1,061
    Thanks
    915
    Thanked
    664
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts
    This so perfectly explains what is behind my 'fine' at the end of the day. Will be showing DH later...

  4. The Following User Says Thank You to littlelove For This Useful Post:

    headoverfeet  (27-01-2014)

  5. #3
    Join Date
    Sep 2010
    Posts
    526
    Thanks
    103
    Thanked
    129
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts
    This is brilliant! Thanks for posting!

  6. The Following User Says Thank You to MummyBic For This Useful Post:

    headoverfeet  (27-01-2014)

  7. #4
    Join Date
    Aug 2009
    Posts
    3,678
    Thanks
    788
    Thanked
    1,847
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 posts
    love it

  8. The Following User Says Thank You to River Song For This Useful Post:

    headoverfeet  (27-01-2014)

  9. #5
    Join Date
    Nov 2010
    Location
    Perth
    Posts
    7,242
    Thanks
    5,043
    Thanked
    3,637
    Reviews
    3
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 postsAmethyst Star - 5,000 posts
    Awards:
    1000 posts in a week500 Posts in a week
    750 Posts in a week400 Posts in a weekBusiest Member of the Week - week ended 12/2/15Busiest Member of the Week300 posts in a week
    That was fantastic, thanks for sharing!

  10. The Following User Says Thank You to Apple iPhart6 For This Useful Post:

    headoverfeet  (27-01-2014)

  11. #6
    Join Date
    May 2007
    Location
    Gippsland
    Posts
    14,653
    Thanks
    1,207
    Thanked
    3,832
    Reviews
    2
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 postsAmethyst Star - 5,000 postsEmerald Star - 10,000 posts
    Awesome post <3

  12. The Following User Says Thank You to Hollywood For This Useful Post:

    headoverfeet  (27-01-2014)

  13. #7
    Join Date
    Jul 2011
    Posts
    1,505
    Thanks
    688
    Thanked
    301
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts
    Thanks for sharing. I think this will really help, even just these few sentences.


    sent from my magical device

  14. The Following User Says Thank You to angelini For This Useful Post:

    headoverfeet  (27-01-2014)

  15. #8
    Mod-Nomsie's Avatar
    Mod-Nomsie is offline Administrator
    Winner 2009/10/11/12/13 - Most helpful Moderator
    Winner 2011 - Naughtiest/Cheekiest Mod
    Winner - Quickest 'Thanker' on the Hub
    Join Date
    Oct 2007
    Location
    Vic
    Posts
    23,657
    Thanks
    6,899
    Thanked
    7,026
    Reviews
    3
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 postsAmethyst Star - 5,000 postsEmerald Star - 10,000 postsRuby Star - 15,000 postsDiamond Star - 20,000 posts
    Awards:
    200 Posts in a week100 Posts in a weekBusiest Member of the Week - week ended 15/1/15
    We can all so relate to it.. staying at home with children comes with so many complex emotions.. it explains why I was feeling so trapped the first time around.

    This time around I can see that DF works just as hard at work and has a lot to deal with there, so I am more forgiving... but those questions just bring it to a new level.

    Thanks for sharing.

  16. The Following User Says Thank You to Mod-Nomsie For This Useful Post:

    headoverfeet  (27-01-2014)

  17. #9
    bunkx's Avatar
    bunkx is offline Being happy doesn't mean that everything is perfect. It means that you've decided to look beyond the imperfections
    Join Date
    Feb 2009
    Location
    The Hills WA
    Posts
    6,575
    Thanks
    565
    Thanked
    1,252
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 postsAmethyst Star - 5,000 posts
    What a good read, thanks for sharing

  18. The Following User Says Thank You to bunkx For This Useful Post:

    headoverfeet  (27-01-2014)

  19. #10
    Join Date
    Aug 2009
    Location
    Brisbane, Queensland.
    Posts
    2,001
    Thanks
    260
    Thanked
    529
    Reviews
    4
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 posts
    This has been doing the rounds on my Facebook newsfeed and I too have been sharing it. Love it. It's like someone opened my soul and let it speak.

  20. The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to nicole83 For This Useful Post:

    DesperatelySeekingSleep  (27-01-2014),headoverfeet  (27-01-2014)


 

Similar Threads

  1. Traffic fine photo
    By pisang in forum General Chat
    Replies: 26
    Last Post: 25-11-2013, 07:40
  2. Fine or a no-no?
    By London in forum General Parenting Tips, Advice & Chat
    Replies: 16
    Last Post: 13-06-2013, 18:54
  3. Fine Needle Aspiration
    By GrabbyCrabby in forum General Parenting Tips, Advice & Chat
    Replies: 12
    Last Post: 28-05-2013, 07:38

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
free weekly newsletters | sign up now!
who are these people who write great posts? meet our hubbub authors!
Learn how you can contribute to the hubbub!

reviews
learn how you can become a reviewer!

competitions

forum - chatting now
christmas gift guidesee all Red Stocking
Mother and Baby Shop
Save $$$ during our Christmas Sale Mother and Baby Shop
Great prices on Schoenhut kids pianos, toys, baby clothing as well as big brands like Pigeon, NUK, Cherub Baby and many more. Sale starts on 1 November 2016 and ends on the 27 December 2016. Hurry! Place your order today!
sales & new stuffsee all
Pea Pods
Buy 2 Award Winning Pea Pods Reusable One Size Nappies for only $38 (in your choice of colours) and receive a FREE roll of Bamboo Liners. Don't miss out, we don't usually have discounts on the nappies, so grab this special offer!
Special Offer! Save $12
featured supporter
The MAMA Centre
Pregnancy, birth & beyond care with your very own midwife. Home & hospital birth support, VBACs, antenatal & postnatal care by medicare eligible midwives & holistic health practitioners. Massage, chiro, naturopathy, yoga, counselling & beauty therapy
gotcha
X

Pregnant for the first-time?

Not sure where to start? We can help!

Our Insider Programs for pregnancy first-timers will lead you step-by-step through the 14 Pregnancy Must Dos!