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  1. #1
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    Default Please help me see this from her perspective!

    Hi all

    Ex & I have a 2yo DD, we both have new partners. Ex financially supports DD, and had weekly visitation until he got together with his new girlfriend (an old work friend of ours). Since they got together we have shifted visitation to fortnightly, but it rarely is actually fortnightly and more often than not becomes monthly because his new partner 'wants to do things on the weekend without DD.' Recently, we attended mediation and upon discussing visitation, exDP said he wanted to start having DD overnight, the mediator gave us a break and told him to call his partner (they live together) to discuss then we'd reconvene; we came back and he said it can't happen. They have since discovered she's pregnant (3 mths now) and I'm even more concerned about what's going to happen with visitation, I feel like my poor DD is getting shafted when it comes to seeing her Dad because his new partner doesn't want their time to revolve around DD. We are all civil & I generally keep my opinions to myself in order to keep the peace, but I'm starting to really dislike her for not wanting DD around to the point that her Dad sees her less than he should.

    How did you cope with your partner having another child? Did you feel the same? Why? Please enlighten me to the new girlfriends perspective, I need to see reason or I might explode!


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    Last edited by PorkyPies; 27-01-2014 at 09:54.

  2. #2
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    Last edited by caribbean; 02-02-2014 at 11:04.

  3. #3
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    I'm part of a blended family my dh has 1 & I have 3. We are currently pregnant with our first "together"

    We've been together since dsd was 2.5yrs old & she is my princess
    Couldn't love that kid anymore if I'd given birth to her myself. We stick to our court orders of every 2nd weekend & school holidays. Dh calls her in between fortnightly visit as per court orders. Bio mum refuses additional visitation regardless of if dh or dsd requests it

    In short I do not understand at all how any woman could be with a man who doesn't value his relationship with his child from a previous relationship.

    But this appears to be a common occurrence, even amongst my social group, I think it boils down to people forgetting the kids come as part of the package deal.

    In my house things get bumpy for me emotionally as bio mum gets on my nerves. I don't like her as a person & her ideas of acceptable parenting generally would appear to most as abusive. She gets in dh & dsd ear at times ( especially important event times ie wedding, baby, Xmas, bday etc ) and at these times I get bitter & tend to be stricter with dsd than usual to bring my house back into normalcy. Same as I have to when my bio kids come back from nanny & Poppy's lol. Hope that makes sense.

    Not sure if anything I've written helps but it's my perspective of being a stepmum & how things are in my home.

    I'd be here all day if I write about my dh or my kids stepmum lol.

  4. #4
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    Quote Originally Posted by caribbean View Post
    Can't help as I'm not in this situation myself but why can't it happen? She is only 3 months pregnant? Does she still work, go shopping, walk etc? So she can do all this but not have you DD stay over one night?
    Sounds like she is using it as an excuse!
    Her saying no had nothing to do with her being pregnant, at the time of mediation she was about 7 wks (they told me very early on). I don't know what their conversation was, but before he went into it he said he wanted her overnight and after it he said no. I don't know that she actually said no, that is only my gut feeling because he has already told me she doesn't want their weekends to be solely about DD - that was at 4 hrs per week on a Sunday afternoon, and it has gradually become less and less.

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    She sounds selfish and unreasonable. However, I think it's more your ex's problem. He is putting his girlfriend before his daughter. If anyone told me I couldn't have my child overnight I'd be telling them to get stuffed. He's obviously going along with what she wants which is really sad for your dd.

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    My DP has 3 boys who stay with us 4 nights a fortnight and one night each week for dinner. I would never ever ever try to come between him and his boys, so I can't understand women who think like that.

    Maybe I'd feel a bit different if I didn't have kids myself....I dunno.

    Honestly I think your ex needs to man up and put his foot down. It's his own child FFS!! As for his new partner, I don't know how she can be with a man who is like that. I love that DP is so devoted to his kids, it says a lot about him as a person.

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    I hope you don't mind me responding as I'm not part of a separated family but your focus on her as the problem really jumped out at me. I'm sorry, but your DD's dad is the problem. He is the one allowing himself to be distracted/distanced from his child and he is the one making the conscious choice to put his new partner first. It's completely his responsibility to put his role as Dad first, above all others.

    I think it's admirable you are asking for help to see things from her perspective but I don't think you need to. It's about him. Although, who knows, once she has her own child she may change?

    Your poor DD such a sucky situation.

    Is it possible to bring this issue up at mediation?

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  11. #8
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    It's definitely more exDPs issue, he needs to be firm about what he actually wants and I have every intention of speaking to him about it, but he can be quite difficult. I just want to understand her perspective too, as maybe there is something I'm missing not being a step parent myself!

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    Quote Originally Posted by grumpybump View Post
    I hope you don't mind me responding as I'm not part of a separated family but your focus on her as the problem really jumped out at me. I'm sorry, but your DD's dad is the problem. He is the one allowing himself to be distracted/distanced from his child and he is the one making the conscious choice to put his new partner first. It's completely his responsibility to put his role as Dad first, above all others.

    I think it's admirable you are asking for help to see things from her perspective but I don't think you need to. It's about him. Although, who knows, once she has her own child she may change?

    Your poor DD such a sucky situation.

    Is it possible to bring this issue up at mediation?
    Don't mind at all . DDs father is the one pushing her to the side ultimately, however his partner is the catalyst for this in saying no. Initially I did think that she doesn't have the right to say no and it's not her place, she DOES have the right and DOES have the place to, as it is also her house and her life and therefore it affects her.

    I guess, before I speak to exDP I wanted to try and understand her side from women who have been there as currently the immense frustration I feel about the situation & towards the two of them isn't constructive!

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    I'm about 10 weeks away from giving birth to our first child together and I've been surprised through this pregnancy that I've felt like pushing my stepsons away and protecting my new family unit of DH, the new baby & myself. I've felt resentful about needing to include them in our plans surrounding the birth and when we bring baby home.

    But then I remind myself through the hormonal haze that this baby is their little sister too, she is linked to them by blood and it's going to take all of us some time to adjust to our new definition of family. DH is great and sympathizes with how I feel at times, but also gently reminds me about the boys perspective as well.

    Blended families can be a really tough balancing act - particularly for the person (your ex) who joins it all together. In this case it doesn't sound like he's doing a very good job of it at all. Obviously he wants to keep his new partner happy, but he needs to find a way to do that where your DD doesn't suffer.

    I don't have much advice to offer, but perhaps you could suggest doing an overnighter as a trial without any expectation that it happen on a regular basis (at least for now), so the GF can see what it's like without feeling she's "stuck" with that arrangement? Then try to build up to a regular basis which everyone is comfortable with.


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