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  1. #11
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    I couldn't read and not reply, I'm so sorry, sorry for what happened to your aunt & mum and also the danger you were put in.

    I agree you should see a counsellor xx

  2. #12
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lambylamb View Post
    Right now, although I'm angry, I don't even know what to say to my mum about it. I really don't, it's such a hard time as I'm about to give birth, I'm emotional as it is and I just can't put myself under more stress. I don't have the energy to be really mad at her at this stage as I haven't really even had time to prices this info properly she basically said to me that as a parent there are things she wishes she had done differently and this was one of them....
    Well I actually think the timing of your mum telling you this is also awful! What would make her think now finally was the right time to tell you, in your highly emotional state?

    Perhaps she too has not dealt with this well herself and is reaching out in some way. Would you consider seeing a counsellor WITH your mum, or are you not that close?

    I understand you not needing any more stress. But perhaps speaking with someone would actually help you process it better, helping you heal and move in faster? You don't need such huge unresolved issues festering when you're about to give birth, what an awful situation, I really feel for you

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  4. #13
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    I am so very sorry.

    A friend of mine has a similar situation and it's just devastating. The abuser is still a big part of family life, his wife is still with him despite knowing what he did to their daughter...it is just beyond belief.

    I hope you are able to talk with somebody about your feelings soon.

  5. #14
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    So sorry you are going through this.

    If it were me I would tell my mother to pack her bags and leave immediately. There is no excuse for leaving a known abuser with a child. Your mothers behavior was despicable. She betrayed you in the worst possible way. And her telling you now when you're about to have a baby is plain wrong. How the heck could your mum think that was a good idea. But you're not me, I'm an unforgiving person at times and you do what you feel is best.

    CounsellIng may help so please seek out someone to talk to.

    Big hugs xxx
    Last edited by VicPark; 17-01-2014 at 19:55.

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  7. #15
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    I think the reason mum told me now is because I told her a few weeks ago that we wanted to name our baby after my grandfather (2nd name) and she knows that if I went and did that without knowing the truth and then finding out later it would kill me.

    No it's not great timing but I'm early 30's already so I guess it had to come out sooner or later

    Plus she was basically warning me that now that I am having kids etc, that I need to do a lot to protect them and that's how all this came out too.

    I don't think she intentionally waited until i was highly emotional and pregnant

    I know what she did was wrong in letting my grandparents take me away knowing what my grandfather was capable of, but she's admitted she should have done things differently and i honestly believe she trusted my grandmother enough to believe she would protect me. Whether anything actually happened to me or not I have no idea, and like i said I don't want to know AT ALL. Lucky i have no memory of anything like that happening to me, I have just thought in the past that something MIGHT have happened due to things I knew as a kid.

    Don't know if that makes sense or not

    I dont want to ask mum anything more as i am scared it will just upset me more.

    As for my grandmother not leaving - I don't understand her reasons fully, she is unfortunately no longer alive for me to ask her, but my mum said in those days things like this weren't spoken about, she had no money etc, she basically didn't have any options and she may have been scared? I dont know

    I asked my mum if he actually ever did anything to her and she said no but he tried. And then I asked what he did to my Aunty and she said she doesn't know the details and didn't want to know when my aunt told her (i guess it was too much for her?) no idea
    maybe my Aunty wasn't comfortable reliving it?

    My mind is racing and I really hope this doesn't play on my mind tonight I've already had a few sleepless nights over it

  8. #16
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    Hun, even knowing that your mum told you now for valid reasons... If it were me I would still ask her to pack her bags and leave. The poor decisions she made with regard to your welfare... I wouldn't let her near my kid. Once again though, that's just me, you do what you feel you need to do.

    What you are saying about now wanting to know, makes sense. I understand. It's probably your self preservation mode kicking in. No one will judge you for that, do what you feel is right.

    If you are uncomfortable seeing a counsellor can you lean in your hubby a bit? That's what hubby's are for.. And getting some steam out may help you sleep....

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  10. #17
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    Thanks yeah hubby is here for me. I am just not up to talking about it right now. He knows the basics of what happened.

    I can't ask mum to leave, I want and need her here

  11. #18
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    Having similar issues in our family, I find myself wanting to defend your mum, if only to convince myself that family members of mine were ok too. The way those in my family explained letting me spend time with their abuser, was that they didn't think it fair to deny me a relationship with him, he was a good dad to me, they didn't think he would hurt me. It's taken me a long time to understand that and I still find it hard. Also people just aren't perfect and make decisions that seem ok at the time but turn out to be crazy.
    Like you I have my doubts about whether I was truly safe, but if not I simply don't want to know. There were lots if years after finding it all that I felt really awful in many ways, and counselling has helped. For me though I cannot have a relationship with that person, as he has never admitted fault or remorse. It's horrible and I really feel for you xxx

  12. #19
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    I'm sorry this is something you are going through. I understand that you are reluctant to go to counselling in case it dredges up a hidden memory that you don't want to know about. BUT I would strongly urge you to see a psych about how you are feeling now. You really need to process all your current thoughts and feelings. You can absolutely put boundaries on the counselling. Tell the counsellor that you are only interested in talking about now and do not wish to delve into the past. If they don't respect that then they aren't the right counsellor for you.

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  14. #20
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    This sounds awful but it gives me some comfort knowing im not alone in feeling this way

    I'm sorry to all those who have suffered at the hands of an abuser it truly revolts me

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