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  1. #1
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    Default This news has changed everything I knew about my childhood and life :(

    So I have no idea where to put this, I am devastated and very confused.
    I'm a regular hubber undercover as this is so personal and upsetting.

    Bit of background, my mum is over visiting for a while to help with my baby who is due soon. She has told me some news that I had no idea about.

    Basically as a baby and young child I was very close to my mums parents. I have always looked up to them and when they died many years ago I was devastated. When I got married I wished they could be there at my wedding and I was planning on naming our baby after my grandfather.

    Anyway DH, myself and my mum were talking about raising kids etc and the dangers out there and mum kept saying over and over how people who you least expect to be abusers are usually the ones you have to watch out for. She then went on to tell me how my aunt was badly abused from a young age for years.

    I asked who did it and she said she would tell me one day... Not now. I asked if I knew the person and she said yes. I left it at that but was really upset and it had been playing on my mind for days until I asked her again about it today.

    She has confirmed my worst fears my grandfather, the person I was so close to, who I respected so much, who I loved, who I missed, abused my Aunty for a lot of her life. (S3xually)

    I'm beyond devastated, I was in tears talking about it and I am also a bit angry that I know for a fact mum let my grandparents take me on holidays etc on their own MANY times. I asked WHY she let them take me knowing full well my grandfather was an abuser and she said because my grandmother knew what he did and she would never have left me alone in his care... Well how does she know that? How could she possibly guarantee that he wouldn't be able to abuse me as well? I'm so confused and upset.

    I feel sick about it. I asked how she couldn't hate him? She then went on to tell me that he tried to abuse her too, her first memory when she was 8 and she screamed and ran away etc. apparently he tried again when she was about 12 and she did the same again. Unfortunately I don't think my Aunty was as confident in telling him to leave her alone.

    I feel like everything I thought I knew about my family was a lie.

    What's worrying me a bit too is that for some weird reason I have often wondered if I was abused as a child and have suppressed memories, there are certain things I remember doing and knowing as a very young child which when I think back about, I wonder how I knew these things? Iykwim?

    I don't remember any abuse, but I wonder sometimes if I have suppressed the memories. I am too scared to see a counselor etc as if anything did happen to me, then I really honestly just don't want to remember. I don't think I would be able to cope. I'd rather go through my life NOT knowing

    I am so confused now anyway I just needed to get that out.


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  2. #2
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    I'm sorry this happened to your aunt. I also am mortified your mother would leave you in his care knowing full well what he's like.
    Would it be worth while speaking to a councillor? After all this is a huge bombshell

  3. #3
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    Firstly BIG HUGS.

    I don't want to get into my own stories, but I wanted to let you know that your feelings of hurt and mistrust and disgust and confusion are all valid.

    I hope that you seek at least a little bit of counselling for some closure, even if only to deal with your questions towards your mother.

    I also hope you don't discover any repressed memories!

    Abuse is horrific to all family members, not just the individuals immediately involved. This might be as hard on your mum as it is on you. There's a service/program called ASCA (adults surviving childhood abuse) that might have some resources for you.

    Xxx

  4. #4
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    we have a similar situation with DD. However, dh and I have spoken about there are two main things - that she is protected, and that she never know. I have worked through my own issues resulting from the abuse, and still love my family and really care about the perpetrator as a person. He is extremely remorseful and I know that he has realised the impact of his actions in terms of the level of family relationships he is allowed. DD is never allowed alone in his care, even if he is accompanied by another family member, and when he is present, DH and I are also always present. We will protect her but think it is important for her to build a strong healthy relationship with her close family. however, i totally understand your anger at being left alone even if his wife was there. In my experience, partners have no clue because it didn't happen to them. As a survivor of abuse, I am better equipped to look after my own child because I am far more aware of what could be a temptation and/or danger for both the abuser and victim.

  5. #5
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    Hi Lambylamb, I could have written your post word for word.

    When I was 18 I was told about the long-term generational s3xual abuse in my family. I had the same feelings as you regarding family life being a lie and being close to the abuser. It is soul crushing and very hard to comprehend, I know. I highly recommend seeing a counsellor or psychologist to talk about your feelings. I put it off until last year (at age 24) when I started showing signs of depression. If I had gone earlier I would have been able to work through everything easier. I have managed to maintain a relationship with the abuser. Forgiveness is a very powerful thing.

    Feel free to PM me to chat as I don't feel comfortable going into the full details on here.

  6. #6
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    Quote Originally Posted by jussi View Post
    we have a similar situation with DD. However, dh and I have spoken about there are two main things - that she is protected, and that she never know. I have worked through my own issues resulting from the abuse, and still love my family and really care about the perpetrator as a person. He is extremely remorseful and I know that he has realised the impact of his actions in terms of the level of family relationships he is allowed. DD is never allowed alone in his care, even if he is accompanied by another family member, and when he is present, DH and I are also always present. We will protect her but think it is important for her to build a strong healthy relationship with her close family. however, i totally understand your anger at being left alone even if his wife was there. In my experience, partners have no clue because it didn't happen to them. As a survivor of abuse, I am better equipped to look after my own child because I am far more aware of what could be a temptation and/or danger for both the abuser and victim.
    This is pretty much my story. The person that did it to me now understands the impact it has made and that they will never be left with my dd.
    Sadly for me it has instilled a fear of ever having my own son (which I need to deal with)
    I would go see a counsellor just to help process your emotions especially as your mother kept this big secret and put you in a vulnerable situation.

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  7. #7
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    I'm too scared to see a counselor I really am. I told DH briefly this Arvo but I said to him I just can't talk about it right now as its too upsetting.

    I know my mum would never have intentionally put me in danger and I believe her that she thought my grandmother would protect me, not that I am happy about that AT ALL as I still feel its not something *I* would do if it was me. I am upset about it of course there is not much I can do about that side of it, or anything for that matter

    I'm just in so much shock right now.




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  8. #8
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lambylamb View Post

    I know my mum would never have intentionally put me in danger and I believe her that she thought my grandmother would protect me, not that I am happy about that AT ALL as I still feel its not something *I* would do if it was me. I am upset about it of course there is not much I can do about that side of it, or anything for that matter .
    I'm so sorry for your heartbreak. What an awful situation to find yourself in.

    At the risk of being viewed as too harsh....your mum DID put you in danger by allowing you to go away with him. I find it disgusting and downright shocking that she would be ok with her own DD being put in that scenario, knowing what her own sister had gone through. And let's not forget that he also tried with her twice too!! How could she ever possibly think that's ok?

    And the reasoning that your grandma 'knew' and wouldn't let anything happen to you? What about her own poor DD, she wasn't able to stop that. And why would she stay with a man who she knows abused his/their own DD?

    I'm sorry if this seems abrupt, but I'm so shocked at what your Mum has said. You have every right to be devastated. I also highly recommend seeing a counselor, even though that scares you. This is a massive revelation, and not just about your Aunty

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  10. #9
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    Quote Originally Posted by Pesca77 View Post
    I'm so sorry for your heartbreak. What an awful situation to find yourself in.

    At the risk of being viewed as too harsh....your mum DID put you in danger by allowing you to go away with him. I find it disgusting and downright shocking that she would be ok with her own DD being put in that scenario, knowing what her own sister had gone through. And let's not forget that he also tried with her twice too!! How could she ever possibly think that's ok?

    And the reasoning that your grandma 'knew' and wouldn't let anything happen to you? What about her own poor DD, she wasn't able to stop that. And why would she stay with a man who she knows abused his/their own DD?

    I'm sorry if this seems abrupt, but I'm so shocked at what your Mum has said. You have every right to be devastated. I also highly recommend seeing a counselor, even though that scares you. This is a massive revelation, and not just about your Aunty
    I see what you are saying and yes I am so angry about it. My grandmother didn't know when the abide was happening, she only found out years later when my mum did, and I've been told the reason she didn't leave is she basically had no money and nowhere to go at the time. (Which I know to be true, our family is not originally from Australia so she didn't have any government help either)

    Right now, although I'm angry, I don't even know what to say to my mum about it. I really don't, it's such a hard time as I'm about to give birth, I'm emotional as it is and I just can't put myself under more stress. I don't have the energy to be really mad at her at this stage as I haven't really even had time to prices this info properly she basically said to me that as a parent there are things she wishes she had done differently and this was one of them....



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  11. #10
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    Quote Originally Posted by Pesca77 View Post
    I'm so sorry for your heartbreak. What an awful situation to find yourself in.

    At the risk of being viewed as too harsh....your mum DID put you in danger by allowing you to go away with him. I find it disgusting and downright shocking that she would be ok with her own DD being put in that scenario, knowing what her own sister had gone through. And let's not forget that he also tried with her twice too!! How could she ever possibly think that's ok?

    And the reasoning that your grandma 'knew' and wouldn't let anything happen to you? What about her own poor DD, she wasn't able to stop that. And why would she stay with a man who she knows abused his/their own DD?

    I'm sorry if this seems abrupt, but I'm so shocked at what your Mum has said. You have every right to be devastated. I also highly recommend seeing a counselor, even though that scares you. This is a massive revelation, and not just about your Aunty
    I agree with this, but think there was a mentality of "let's sweep this under the carpet and never speak of it again". Which is so so wrong.
    And also great that that mentality is changing;
    But in no way changes the fact that you shouldn't have been allowed alone with him- and how gobsmacking that your g'mother didn't leave him!

    What a devastating thing for you to find out.

    I know my mum has issues with suppressed memories and I wld suggest you talk to someone abt it; even if you wld rather not know- with all the pregnancy hormones coming up it wld be so much better if you didn't have this hanging over you and niggling in the background.

    I wld also suggest your DH will be your best support- talk to him.

    Sending big hugs xx



    DH (34) Me (30)
    DS1 (8) * DS2 (4)
    ❤️ My Family ❤️

    Egg donor 2012

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