+ Reply to Thread
Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 19
  1. #1
    Join Date
    Nov 2013
    Location
    Adelaide
    Posts
    150
    Thanks
    16
    Thanked
    69
    Reviews
    0

    Default My friend Just doesn't seem to listen!

    I need some advice, I have a friend who has a good heart and is alovely person however I will admit that she makes some truly poor choices inregards to life. She seems to have been on the downward spiral since we gotback in touch 12 months ago and she comes to me for advice but never actuallyfollows through with anything we talk about despite her agreeing to her wantingto change.I love her and want to support her but I will admit that this hasbecome draining and is now borderline dangerous for my family due to the situationsshe puts me in. I recently invited her to a family dinner for my birthday at alocal pub with just a few friends involved. The celebration also involved usfinding out the gender of our baby so my husband and I kept this event quiteclose because it was a special moment for us. To be honest, I felt completelycornered when I looked up from talking to my mum to see that this friend ofmine had invited her ex-boyfriend (whom I don’t feel comfortable associating with)and a guy back from high school who used to be physically violent toward me. Ihad discussed with her in the past that it was her decision who she had in herlife but I had no intention of having these people in mine as I wanted nothingto do with them. I am married with my own friends and family but moreimportantly I don’t want to expose my baby to people who quite obviously arelose cannons and that I don’t trust. She got funny with me when I mentionedthat they were not invited and I refused to speak to them. She now has arranged with my husband that she will drop by during theweek for a catch up as we are home a lot which he said she is more than welcometo do. She mentioned this to me on the night also and told me that she would bebringing some guy she had started seeing (another one after goodness knows howmany). I tried to express to her that she is always welcome but my husband andI would prefer to meet her and her boyfriend out until we know him better. Again,she got very funny with me and then sent me a text later on in the evening tostate that her and her boyfriend would be around next week. I am guarded aboutwho knows where we live as my husband does work away from home and again we areabout to have a baby so I feel a bit vulnerable about exposing our lives tothis person. Notably she has admitted that he has previously done time in jail and isa recovering drug addict – previous boyfriends all have similar backgroundstoo. I have spoken to her time and time again about boundaries but its notgetting through…what do I do? I have tried to pull things back and see her lessin an effort to phase our friendship out a bit but she seems to suffocate mewhen she feels I am doing this by texting me all the time and turning up at ourhouse. Help!

  2. #2
    Join Date
    May 2012
    Posts
    2,688
    Thanks
    4,822
    Thanked
    2,373
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 posts
    OMG OP I would feel totally unsafe too. I would sever the friendship. I had a friend like that but she lived away so I was able just to not answer texts/calls and delete from social networking pages and basically had no contact since. I'm not sure how you do it when she lives close! Is be worried they are scoping my house out to break into etc. talk to your husband and make a unified decision so he doesn't welcome her around on your behalf. Do it as soon as you can, go with your gut!!

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Feb 2012
    Location
    Brisbane North
    Posts
    4,460
    Thanks
    1,581
    Thanked
    1,802
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 posts
    Personally if a ''friend'' of mine brought along a person who used to be violent towards me to a special even of mine, I'd cut the friendship right there and then. that is NOT cool. She needs to learn and respect boundries... and that includes not inviting ex boyfriends etc. She sounds like a headache to me. I would keep my distance.

  4. The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to GlitterFarts For This Useful Post:

    Chillies  (13-01-2014),LoveLivesHere  (13-01-2014)

  5. #4
    Join Date
    Jul 2010
    Posts
    1,728
    Thanks
    878
    Thanked
    891
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts
    Maybe you need to be intentionally "rude" back to her and clearly state that you want to remain friends with her but do not want to associate with her friends (incl boyfriend) and if she turns up at your house with anyone else they will be turned away. Easy for me to say that, but what's she going to do, get offended and stop being your friend? Problem solved! She's being incredibly disrespectful to you and your wishes, so you shouldn't feel too bad hurting her feelings by being so blunt back to her.

  6. #5
    Join Date
    Oct 2010
    Posts
    9,874
    Thanks
    3,040
    Thanked
    5,845
    Reviews
    2
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 postsAmethyst Star - 5,000 posts
    Awards:
    100 Posts in a week
    She's not listening to you or respecting boundaries.

    If you truly can't get through to her, I'd cut her off. Sounds like you have grown up but she hasn't.

    She sounds really dodgy. I wouldn't want strange ex-criminal boyfriends coming into my home either.

  7. #6
    Join Date
    Mar 2013
    Location
    Newcastle
    Posts
    653
    Thanks
    817
    Thanked
    217
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts
    You need to be honest with her, and with her past she has no right to demand you trust her instincts.

    Tell her you like her, & want to be friends, but you both know she's made some bad choices in the past & while you trust HER, you don't trust all the people she may associate with. If she wants to continue being friends, she needs to do x,y,z.

    She's either going to flip out or back out (hopefully the later)

    Do you have older children? Anyway to pretend your not home when she knocks?

  8. #7
    Join Date
    May 2013
    Posts
    587
    Thanks
    358
    Thanked
    503
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts
    I think you need to be a bit firmer with her, saying you'd prefer to meet her boyfriend somewhere else is obviously not getting through to her, so say it clearly "no, he is not allowed to come to my home, you are welcome any time, on your own, but I do not allow strangers in my home".
    That way she has a clear boundary, and if she breaks that, (which I'm assuming she will) you can then, (not answer the door) and text her later and say since she broke your trust she is no longer invited to your home as you cannot trust her to uphold the boundaries you have regarding your family's safety.

  9. #8
    Join Date
    May 2013
    Posts
    587
    Thanks
    358
    Thanked
    503
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts
    Oh and totally not saying you've done anything wrong op, normally the way you've told her what is and isn't okay would work, but clearly she needs it totally spelt out with her!!

    I guess by the sounds of it, she's not good with setting boundaries for herself so she's probably even less familiar with how other people have them for themselves

  10. #9
    Join Date
    Oct 2007
    Posts
    22,846
    Thanks
    6,200
    Thanked
    16,890
    Reviews
    10
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 postsAmethyst Star - 5,000 postsEmerald Star - 10,000 postsRuby Star - 15,000 postsDiamond Star - 20,000 posts
    Awards:
    Bubhub Blogger - Thanks100 Posts in a week
    I've been in a friendship exactly the same. Different stuff she wasn't listening about and breaking boundaries on, but same feelings of frustration and it effecting my family and marriage.

    Just like the other stuff she didn't listen to, she didn't listen or notice my fairly obvious but polite hints I'd had enough. She's no longer in my life

  11. #10
    Join Date
    Jun 2009
    Location
    Sydney
    Posts
    3,230
    Thanks
    650
    Thanked
    886
    Reviews
    0
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 postsAmber Star - 2,000 posts
    Ditch her, or mKe up excuses not to be home.

    She doesn't sound like a very good friend to me.


 

Similar Threads

  1. Replies: 43
    Last Post: 27-02-2014, 08:22
  2. I don't know what's wrong and no one will listen.....please help me.....
    By Hopefully Waiting in forum Newborns (0 - 2 months)
    Replies: 211
    Last Post: 20-04-2013, 00:20

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
free weekly newsletters | sign up now!
who are these people who write great posts? meet our hubbub authors!
Learn how you can contribute to the hubbub!

reviews
learn how you can become a reviewer!

competitions

forum - chatting now
christmas gift guidesee all Red Stocking
WaterWipes
Give your babies bottom a gift this Xmas! They are the only wipe made using just water and a drop of grapefruit seed extract and may help avoid nappy rash. Check out the great reviews on bubhub and see our website for more info and availability.
sales & new stuffsee all
Pea Pods
Buy 2 Award Winning Pea Pods Reusable One Size Nappies for only $38 (in your choice of colours) and receive a FREE roll of Bamboo Liners. Don't miss out, we don't usually have discounts on the nappies, so grab this special offer!
Special Offer! Save $12
featured supporter
Shapland Swim Schools
Semi private learn to swim classes for a maximum of 3 children in specialized heated teaching pools. Our swim schools are located across Brisbane, Ipswich and the Sunshine Coast, ensuring there's a school near you.
gotcha
X

Pregnant for the first-time?

Not sure where to start? We can help!

Our Insider Programs for pregnancy first-timers will lead you step-by-step through the 14 Pregnancy Must Dos!