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  1. #1
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    Default Unmarried - What surname do we use?

    Hi, all. My partner and I have been living together 6 years now. He's divorced and has two children (7 & 8) that we share custody. He's not keen on the idea of getting Married again, and i respect that (he's been burnt before). But were pregnant and I'm struggling to work out what surname to give this child. I don't want to have a different surname to our child, as i think where we live it carries the stigma of either being a single mum or from a broken family, which i/we are not....(not that i'm judging that here, i'm just from a very small town that refuses to move into the modern times). I know he would like this child to have his surname, as its been a very bitter divorce and also a battle for his previous children to keep his surname after he and his wife divorced. But my concern is that if he really has no intention on ever getting legally married again, i sort of feel like this child should have my surname. If he ever decided to get married to me, i would happily change both my name and our childs to be his surname. But it feels like he wants all the perks of being married without the actual committment. I don't know...i'm probably over thinking this too much. I just know i don't want a different surname to our daughter. I'm happy to take his name and have our child take his name too, or if thats not something he wants, then i want this child to have my surname. I'm starting to worry though that i'm being just like ex wife by trying to deny his child his surname. I think his parents would also be offended if the child didn't take on his surname, and i get along with them great and don't want to ruin that. Not that they would say anything to me about this - they're not confrontational in any way, nor is my partner for that matter. We all get on lovely. We both have long surnames and wouldn't want to hyphenate these for our child. I'm really stuck on what is the right thing to do here, and time is running out. Has anyone else had this dilemma?
    Last edited by Roni83; 11-01-2014 at 13:02.

  2. #2
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    Can you hyphenate? Your name - his name

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    Can u legally change your surname to his? Everyone has same name without the whole get married thing?

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  5. #4
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    You can legally change your name at any time, so yes i could do that. I've contemplated it. But isn't that offensive to take someone's name without them asking you? Would it offend his family if i just take on his name without a marriage or ceremony? I know i shouldn't care about what others think when it comes to our relationship, but were both from small farming communities where everyone is part of everyones business, and judgement can hurt.

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    I gave DD1 his surname based on the fact that if we ever split and i got married DD1 would have a different name to me anyway (we had been together 7 years and a split was unlikely). I knew at least that she would have the same name as her daddy up until she got married (if she chose to change it).
    We got married 2 years later and i was pregnant with DD2 so we all have the same name now anyway.


    Totally in love with our two beautiful little girls.
    Feb 2011 and May 2013

  7. #6
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    Before I was pregnant and whilst I was pregnant I really wanted the same surname as my Children..weirdly, once I had my DS I found I didn't care and now if we do get married I will not be changing my name.

    It hasn't caused any issues so far but we don't live in a small community where it may not be the norm.

    Is there some way you could incorporate one of your surnames into a middle name? I thought about doing this - using an abbreviation of my surname as a middle name (eg. Mack...instead of MacDonald - as an example).

    I guess you have to decide how important it is to you in the long run...

    Best Wishes

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    Don't do the hyphenated name.. That smacks broken families more than anything..

    I don't mean to be rude but if you are saying you are considering giving bub your name then changing both your surnames to your hubby's if you get married then you are holding it over him like his ex-wife. You are using his babies name as a means to pressure him into marrying you which is not cool. Perhaps you should have ironed this issue out before you decided to have a kid with him?

    Unless daddy was a deadbeat I would give bub his last name. But that's just me. I'm married, kept my own surname and gave bub hubby's surname. Purely for tradition... Whether I like it or not it's still mostly common for bubs to take dads name and for me to deny that would have been a slap in the face to my hubby. We haven't suffered any stigma from it.

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    Hyphenate

    Can be no argument or upset or issues with `wanting to carry on the family name'. Flip a coin to see which name goes first.

    Our kids names are hyphenated and we are both very happy with it

  11. #9
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    Id hyphenate. My son has his fathers surname and we split up. Totally regret it now! (Not saying you two will).
    Just something to think about i guess, it is a pretty difficult decision.

    Sent from my GT-N7000 using The Bub Hub mobile app

  12. #10
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    OP said she cant hyphenate because they both have last names.

    I would give your bub his surname. Surely its easier to change your name should you happen to get married later down the track than having to change both yours and his? And if its such a big deal to you to all have the same name then you should bring it up with your partner and ask if he would mind if you legally changed your name.

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