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  1. #1
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    Default I don't know what to do about his drinking... Help!

    DF has always had trouble with stopping once he starts, a few beers with a boys turns in to a few cases of beers with the boys and I'm worried. He usually drinks BIL who has a drinking problem and I've told DF that I worry that he's enabling and encouraging him. DF works hard 6 nights a week to support us and almost always uses his only night off, a Friday, to get absolutely sh!t faced. Most of the time he's reasonably well behaved and I just leave him at BIL's and do my own thing. Sometimes though he gets angry and seeks out someone (usually a friend of BIL) to bully, he picks on and annoys them until they either crack it and they fight or they leave feeling like cr@p. If he's not angry he's usually doing something silly like doing burnouts in his mates driveway (which is stupidly encouraged by his mates). He ignores me and talks to everyone else as soon as he has a few beers in him and it makes me feel like cr@p, more than that I'm worried about what this binge drinking every week is doing to his body, I'm worried that he's making BIL's drinking problem worse and that they're doing it around our nephews who really don't need to be seeing their uncle off his face..

    We've talked about my concerns before and he calms it down for a while but it seems to be on the rise again. I'm just lost, I've told him I won't tolerate this behavior once we have kids (I've just stopped taking the pill) and he's agreed he'll pull his head in. Do I just let him run amok and have a bit of fun before we have kids? He works hard and deserves to have a bit of fun on his day off, doesn't he? Sorry for the long post, I'm just a bit lost and not really sure what to do or how to approach this..

  2. #2
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    kiwimum890 is offline It won't happen overnight, but it will happen!
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    I had an ex who had a drinking problem, he wasn't ready to admit it. I left him and it was the best thing I ever did. He is now married to a woman who was only 6 years older than his daughter from his previous marriage and they have 4 kids together.
    I still keep in contact with his daughter who said he still has issues with drinking.
    In my opinion unless he is willing to seek help for his addiction then he won't change.
    It isn't a nice situation to be in and I feel for you, even worse to bring children up in that environment.
    It doesn't help that his BIL has issues too, the combination doesn't sound healthy.
    Doing burn outs, bullying etc isn't setting a good example for the nephews, let alone your future kids...
    Hard decision, but would he consider seeing someone to discuss his drinking?

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    Unfortunately it doesn't sound like his behaviour will magically change once kids come along. Sometimes it can get worse. I think you need to ask yourself if you will be happy sitting at home alone every Friday night with your kids when they come along or will you be happy with your kids seeing them act this way? To be honest I wouldn't like it now. Sure he works hard but you are in a relationship. When do you spend quality time together?

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    I don't know of he'd see someone, he is very much a "suck it up, you'll be right" sorta bloke and doesn't see his drinking as a problem.. I'm a pretty laid back person and I let most things slide, I'm usually happy for him to do his own thing and have a drink with the boys but it's when he drinks to excess (and that's the way it usually ends up) I don't know how to handle it because I hate confrontation. If I object to something he's doing, he makes me feel like I'm the worst person in the world.

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    When he's sober we get along great..

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    Please don't stop the pill till you sort out these things. My dad was an alcoholic and although mum protected us from seeing most of it and gave us all loads of attention, love and security to compensate it still made me feel pretty much worthless at times as a little one.I was to young to understand and just felt like he was rejecting me to go to the pub on his nights off.


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    I think a lot of the trouble is that it's a family thing. His father is a big drinker, and his mum was until she almost burnt their house down when DF was little (doesn't touch it now and frequently gets up DF for drinking and acting like an idiot) and his BIL has a drinking problem.. It seems to me that it is just what is "normal" within the family as everyone has grown up and accepted it as part of life. I'm not sure how to get through to him that this isn't normal.

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    Yes difficult situation. Does he want to start a family soon too? His actions suggest he's definitely not ready for a family. Ignoring you once he's drinking is just plain rude and a bit narcissistic. If it was me I wouldn't be having kids with him until he has sorted out his priorities and drinking problem. He also sounds very immature doing burnouts in drive way, not a good role model for impressionable nephews.
    Just take your time and think about what kind of man you want raising your children. Is there anyone in his family that you could talk to?

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  12. #9
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    He's on board for kids, but you're right he is very immature when it comes to drinking. I suppose I could talk to his mum, she's mentioned to me quite a few times that she's concerned about his drinking so I know she's on the same page as me but Is going over his head to his mother the right thing to do? I guess if he wants to act like a child then maybe he should be treated like one?

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    I don't think it's a switch that can be flicked off once a bub is on board. My husband enjoys a few drinks but has a limit knowing full well that he's not a young & single guy anymore. He enjoys a few after work drinks every now & again then comes home.

    Are there other couples you could double date with? I think once he sees that you don't have to be drunk to have a good night then perhaps you could start to sway his behaviour. I think who hes hanging around with will influence his behaviour too. It will come down to him wanting to change though.

    At the end of the day, having a baby means changing your lifestyle in order to be a responsible parent. That doesn't mean you can't drink or have a good time but you need to have limits & not build this up to becoming a weekly habit.

    Its a good idea that you are trying to address this now so things don't get out of hand when there is a baby around.


 

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