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  1. #1
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    Default What to tell friends that keep asking...

    We made the decision we wouldn't tell anyone until after our NT scan, which is not until the 17th. However, I've been very sick and have had to bail out of numerous social events, which is fairly obvious during this time of year. I don't even care if people have worked it out - I just don't want to celebrate until that 12wk scan. Once we're past that point, I'm happy for the world to know! But it's pretty hard for someone to not say "congrats!" and be excited when you tell them you're pregnant so we are keeping it to ourselves for now.

    My problem is that a few of my close friends have point blank asked me if I'm pregnant. I have already told them before that we won't tell until 12wks. I find it very disrespectful that they are asking me outright! If I want you to know, I will tell you!!! I told myself I would do my very best not to lie at all, but finally with one friend, I had to say "no, I'm not" yesterday. Another friend remembered when my last period was and said "surely you would know by now if you were or weren't!". WTF?!

    I guess part of it is that I was open that we were trying. Maybe I shouldn't have been so honest, or they wouldn't be suspicious. But I thought that would make it easier - I was already cutting back on alcohol and coffee in prep for us trying, so I felt like they wouldn't notice the difference when I actually was pregnant.

    Anyhow... how do I respond to this?! I have almost three more weeks to get through. And it's really starting to upset me!

  2. #2
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    I would always just say things like 'are you trying to tell me I look fat?!' Then change the subject.

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  4. #3
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    Make a joke like Pen said then change the subject.
    I got to 18.5 weeks before I announced. I didn't have too many people ask directly but it worked for me and they were all surprised I hadn't said anything before then.

  5. #4
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    Deflect. Deflect. Things like "not to my knowledge" or "only if you call this donut belly pregnant!" Or whatever food you love.

  6. #5
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    if you were open about the fact you were trying...i sort of don't get the deception now.

    Of course your friends are going to ask if you have been acting differently and they know you were ttc...they are interested because you made them that way.

    I would be honest...because i cannot lie! If they are close enough to know your last period...surely you can say you explain it is early days and you don't want to celebrate until after 12 weeks!

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  8. #6
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    Thanks for the suggestions... I've tried joking. I just get a "no really, are you?" response! I like the "not to my knowledge" idea - I will try that next!

    River Song, I don't intend for it to be deception. I was open about the fact that we didn't intend to tell anyone till 12wks. I've known too many friends who have lost babies before that point, and I do not want to celebrate prematurely. That's just my decision (well, our decision as he agrees). These are all girl friends who are also probably going to be pregnant in the near future, and I would think they all would understand that how and when you tell people is your own choice. I don't want any of my close friends or family to find out I'm pregnant because they asked me! I want to tell them in our own special way, and when we feel the time is right. I don't think that's deception.

  9. #7
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    What about turning it back on them? When they ask, ask them back? I did this a few times when I was trying to hide it. Or as PP's have suggested something like "Maybe I just like cake!?"

    I get that it can be a tad upsetting that they are asking, but I doubt that they are asking to be hurtful. It sounds as though they are generally excited at the prospect of you being UTD. When you are comfortable telling, they will probably be really excited for you.

    I only told a select few people before 12 weeks with all of my pregnancies. It tool an awful lot of antisocial behaviour on my part!

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    Would you want support if you did have a m/c?

    ...And I realise that the stats are higher for early m/c but a loss can occur at any time... if you were so open about ttc then I completely understand the follow up questions from your friends.

    I suspect when you do announce they will say "I knew it" since they are already guessing. And I agree with pp they are asking because they genuinely care for you and will be excited for you, rather than trying to hurt you.

    *Happiness is not a destination, it's a way of life*

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    Just tell them that they shouldn't ask, because they already know you wouldn't be telling them anyway.

    I don't think it's worth getting upset over. People are asking because they are genuinely excited.

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  15. #10
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    I don't buy that argument that if you want support from your loved ones after a m/c, you MUST tell them first. That implies my family and friends would not be supportive of me if I came to them and told them I'd had a miscarriage - that they'd then say "I can't believe you didn't even tell me you were pregnant!". You don't have to tell people first in order to ask for support later.

    My point is, I have point blank said to these two specific friends "We do not want to tell people until after 12wks." If someone had told me that, I would never then turn around and ask them if they were pregnant!!

    And you're right, it's probably not worth getting upset over - but I still am! Pregnancy hormones make you do that I hear!

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