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  1. #11
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    How frustrating. Firstly tonight get him to set up a direct debit for his share of the rent. Work out a budget and show him, get him to direct debit his share of bills. What a selfish man going on an overseas trip on credit when you are stressing about this.

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  3. #12
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    Draw up a joint budget listing your income, expenses and spending money. Get hubby to read it and approve of it.

    Hubby not paying rent or for anything to do with bub? Are you kidding me that's ridiculous.

    I'd say having a chat is the first step even before seeing a financial counsellor.

    Good luck...

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  5. #13
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    Quote Originally Posted by calicocat View Post
    Shrillian that is the same for DP too, he is constantly juggling overdue bills, the most immediate sounding ones get paid and everything else has to wait.
    I think you're all right, the first thing we need to do is sit down and talk, I'm such a chicken and hate confrontation so tend to avoid bringing up money until I really have to. I think I'm going to have to use the word "we" a lot, I don't want him to feel attacked, plus I'm not fully blameless in all this.
    I like the idea of "offering" to look after the finances, might pitch it and see what he says.
    My DH sounds very similar!!! I had to put a foot down about the unnecessary expenses (cameras, mics, drones, etc - we both studied film at uni). I forced him to realise that he wasn't actually using his toys by logging how often he actually used them. What he thought was "often" was actually "every 9 months". I tried to set an example by not upgrading my last two camera bodies until I'd pushed my current camera to its limits (I dabble in photography). He sort of got it and it ended up helping him to curb most of the expensive habits and give more thought about his purchases.

    I understand about getting to the talk phase. Like you, I hate confrontation, but we had to do it in the end. I tried to be as nice about it so as not to get his defences up (which usually go straight up when it's anything remotely serious - very frustrating talking to a wall!).

    "Offering" was my way of giving him some 'control' over the situation, as it then becomes a decision that *he's* made. It was frustrating for me to have to take it on, as it's yet another thing I have to do, but it's not actually that bad. It involved around a half hour to work out the budget, now only around 20mins each pay fortnight to shuffle the funds around and around ten minutes to pay bills online. Win!

    I always communicate to him about our financial situation as well, so he doesn't feel entirely left out of it all. For example, I'll say we should celebrate as we've reached a new saving goal, or a card is paid off, or that we can't spend too much this week if we want to get the other thing, etc etc. Also, I try to allow him the opportunity to have silly expenses as well, (eg. Courses, new xbox, etc) but he now realises that a big expense may mean we cut back on going out for a couple of nights, for example.

    It'll take time for him to adjust, so just remember to be patient when he slips up (though you've obviously got patience in spades having put up with it for so long!)

    Clear communication and trust between you both is what will make this work. Even if there's a bit of yelling because both parties don't agree with the initially proposed outcome. ;o)

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  7. #14
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    My DH's wage goes into his account & the same afternoon is distributed by direct transfers to other accounts or scheduled bpay's to our elec & phone bills.

    He gets $200 a week of his own to do as he pleases but that includes money for his petrol.

    We have sub accounts for mortgage, holiday, savings, household expenses(groceries etc) & bills.

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  9. #15
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    Not sure if it's something your dp will allow.. but my dh is terrible with money too. We have joint accounts so as money goes it I take it all out for bills and savings and give dh $120 a week to blow pretty much. So that keeps him happy but also allows me to manage the rest and I'm not bad at doing that myself..

    Can you talk about s joint account and having a certain amount each week to spend on whatever you want and the rest goes to savings?,also I have an automatic thing on bank to take a certain amount out each week after pay day and it rips it out to the savings account so we can't touch it and it just happens automatically..

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  11. #16
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    Quote Originally Posted by calicocat View Post
    Thanks so much Shrillian! You've really given me hope.
    I'll definitely use some of your tactics with my DP, he gets quite defensive whenever we talk money and we end up getting nowhere.
    We started talking tonight but it didn't go very well. He got upset and did the whole "I've worked hard all my life and have nothing and I don't know why" thing.
    I basically told him the past doesn't matter, it's the decisions that we make now and in the future that we need to worry about. I said that we need to make smarter choices and suggested we sit down and have a good look at where our money is going and where we can cut back. It's a start.
    .
    At least you're talking about it! Yay!

    Regarding his line of "he doesn't know why", remind him of all his nights out and/or recent frivolous expenses. Add up the cost of all of them and show him a grand total of what he's spent. Maybe that might help give him some perspective and a reason "why"?

    I like your tact of focussing on the here and now, not the past. Very good approach!

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  13. #17
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    That's great that you are talking. Setting a budget and having common financial goals is a must. Good job


    Mummy of Max 2 from donor eggs from my lovely sister.

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  15. #18
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    Hi OP i can remember being in your boat not too long ago...
    If there is 1 and only thing DH and fight about its money.
    He spends and I manage.
    In the end we had to get a joint account. He gets an allowance after the bills are paid. I pay everything per pay period before hubby was getting dishonor fees, late fees. We had no groceries.
    He is still hopeless with money just on a smaller scale as he gets about $100 per week to blow.
    I have also to set up a secret savings acc. I kinda feel bad for doing it behind his back but it's our in case of emergency fund... If he knew we had any kind of savings he would pressure me into spending it. IMO some things are best kept a secret

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  17. #19
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    All the PPs have given wonderful advice. I just want to say you are holding it together great - on maternity leave and you're paying all the rent and baby stuff while he's got a trip planned on credit? That is really unacceptable. I hope you work towards a solution soon.

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  19. #20
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    Definitely do the budget then work out how much you each need to contribute to these expenses per week. DP and I were on similar money so we were both comfortable with 50% each. I would also round the amount up to nearest $10-$20 on the weekly expenses to cover expenses which might have been overlooked or to cover some unexpected costs. Then what you each have left after paying for the weekly expenses will money that you can each do as you please....if your DP has nothing left in his account after a few days then unfortunately for him he can't buy anything. Credit honestly when you have no ability to control your spending should be off limits.

    I would suggest that you don't set up an account in joint names if at all possible. Perhaps set up a new account in your name but each of you transfer a set amount into this account every week. It depends on whether you can trust your DP not to dip into this joint account if he sees money in there.

    I am frustrated for you Calicocat. Spending money on his hobbies while you are left with nothing is not on...but then spending money (which you dont have) on a holiday with mates tops it. Sounds as though your DP needs to wake up to the fact he has a family which he also needs to support. Right now your DP's priority in life is still himself.

    ...never been to a financial adviser, but in a past life I was one (prior to DD)

    Sent from my GT-I9300 using The Bub Hub mobile app
    Last edited by Night Owl; 20-12-2013 at 01:36.

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