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  1. #1
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    Default I had a surgical termination and can not forgive myself.

    My reasons at the time were logical.
    But things went from bad to worse.
    While talking to the nurse who did the scan, I asked her if the baby looked like a little person. She said "it's not a baby til it's born. It's just a blob of cells at the moment". I was crying and pouring my heart out to her... I said my reasons were that I have three children under 5, I'm recently divorced (though custody is equally shared)- but I'm also in no stable home of my own.. I'm renting a spare bedroom in someone else's home. I don't get enough from Centrelink to pay my own rent in my own home... It's so expensive in Sydney
    My partner lives in Canada and can not support me.
    I kept thinking of how I'd struggle to provide... That whilst babies may be easy to care for- it slowly gets harder and costs more... I didn't want my baby to grow up suffering, or for my current three to suffer, too..... I did tell the nurse if it looked like a little person I did not want to do it, that I simply couldn't live with it. She said it was very early on and it was fine. I asked for a copy of the photo.
    I was having an anxiety attack and in tears while talking to the doctor/surgeon.. I asked her if my baby would suffer or feel pain. She said no- it was just a blob of cells.
    i cried until I was under the anaesthetic..

    Looking at the paper work when I got home- it said I was measuring 11 weeks 4 days on the scan (but I wasn't that far along).. And the surgeons paper work said that she'd measured the baby with a gestational age of 12 weeks. I had an anxiety attack until I was vomiting.. I looked at the photo.. It was NOT a blob of cells.. But a sweet little innocent baby...
    I can not live with what I've done. I'm severely depressed and cry constantly.. Except when my children are with me... They help me a lot..I'm on the verge of a breakdown and wish to god I could turn back time. I hate myself more than anything in this world.

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    Oh gosh - what clinic gave you such descript information post surgery?


    What counselling did they offer you?

  3. #3
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    Preterm in Surry Hills. No counselling offered.

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    Oh they really should have offered you counselling - it is one of the services they provide. Infact 'an integral' part according to their website.

    Also they should have only performed an ultrasound for you to view if you requested it - or if you thought you were over 13 weeks.



    First I'd be seeking some formal counselling for yourself to deal with your emotions, and then when and if you feel up to it - maybe speak to someone about the service you were provided so no one else gets the same mis treatment.
    Last edited by FiveInTheBed; 29-11-2013 at 21:40.

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    Hugs, I'm so sorry to hear OP. I don't really have much useful advice I'm sorry but I couldn't read & not post a reply.

    Would u be open to seeing a counsellor to help you through such a difficult time? I'm disappointed that they didn't offer you any before leaving, especially if they saw how upset you were. If you go to your GP & tell them you're not coping, I hope they'll be able to refer you to a good counselor & will push the referral through so you get an appt quicker.

    If there's issues with the hospital/place giving you false information, I hope at a later time someone may be able to help you sit down with someone & lodge a formal complaint or at the very least get an explanation or apology.

    Is there any family or close friends you can talk to in the mean time?

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    I couldn't read and not post. I can't even begin to imagine how you feel. But please,please go back and read the first part of your post where you outline the reasons why this was the decision you had made. Your decision was made after careful thought and logical reasoning. What's happened now has left you with an emotional response which is completely understandable. You are clearly a loving mother and don't deserve to be beating yourself up like this. By all means grieve and mourn your loss, but please be kind to yourself.

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    You poor thing. Your decision was based on the information you were given at the time. Please don't punish yourself. Forgive yourself and love yourself like you would a dear friend in your situation.

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    Hugs
    Wondering why the nurse gave you a photo in the first instance...after all you told her

    As OP said, you need counseling as soon as possible so you can be in the best frame of mind for your kids
    then you need to discuss the treatment you received far down the line
    Its hard, I know
    Praying it gets easier for you


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    Last edited by QueenKaks; 29-11-2013 at 21:47.

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    I couldn't read this and not reply. I have had the feelings you are having. Our situations were obviously different but I had to have a reluctant termination. The partner I was on love with I found out had another family. When I went in for the termination I remember screaming for my mum as I was put under. It took me a long time to accept what I had done. It also took a lot of councelling. If it is an option for you to do I strongly urge you see someone about this.

    I'm so sorry you are having such a hard time with this. Just remember you are not a bad person. You made the best decision for your children and yourself. That makes you a good and selfless person.


    Me + Him = Perfection born 05/11/12

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    ~Marigold~ is offline You make me happy, when skies are grey
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    You poor thing. Please don't torture yourself anymore
    You are a beautiful and caring mother who did a courageous and selfless thing and you need to stop being so hard on yourself; I know that is so much easier said than done, but please don't beat yourself up over this. You do not deserve to be feeling this way- I am so so very sorry that you were not given a correct description- maybe the nurse thought the less you knew the better- totally wrong but it's not your fault. You did what you needed to do for you and your family.
    Your angel baby loves you and understands, I believe that wholeheartedly.
    Please seek counselling. You are NOT a bad person.
    Last edited by ~Marigold~; 29-11-2013 at 22:06.

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