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  1. #11
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    Agree Vic Park, although I don't think she was pushing things, just letting him know that she was pregnant initially (she knows it's his; the whole one night stand was out of character) then letting him know she'd decided to keep it. He just went for the jugular as soon as she decided she wanted to keep it. I agree with all pps, she & bub are better off without him in their life. I think he sounds like a self entitled brat.

  2. #12
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    LifeInShadesOfGrey is offline Just a little bit silly :)
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    I'm not saying he's not being an **** but he's just been given some big news himself and it might be hard for him to take in. His emotions would running high too. I think your friend needs to wait a few months and then decide what she would like to do regarding the birth certificate.

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    Agree. Lucky she has about 35 weeks to decide. It's not so much that it's urgent, more just his threat & if in fact there could be any substance to it. I've basically said to her that I doubt he would be able to do that, just wanted to make sure I wasn't giving her a bum steer. I agree he has been given some big news, as has she. He could have responded with that rather than threatening her, which I think is bullying & pretty low. You must have more faith in men than I do; my DH is very sweet, but I've seen at least 2 fathers walk away from children (with my sisters) without even a glance back. Sad, but true. I hope he does have a change of heart. He also said if she kept it he would move & change his name & phone number so she couldn't find him. She has thanked him for his medical history & said that's all she needs from him. I think she's been quite mature & thoughtful so far.

  4. #14
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    I agree, that he has not reacted in a very thoughtful or considered way, and I don't think there is the slightest chance that your friend could lose her baby under the circumstances he is suggesting. I will say, and I hope this comes across ok, that 5 weeks is very early. If I were her, I'd be trying to stay calm and healthy and wait to get through the first trimester before thinking about all this stuff. Too much stress isn't good for her.

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    Same as PP, your friend needs to concentrate on herself & baby for now. It's very early days and lots can happen.

    The father sounds like an a**hole, but he did just get some massive news. If it were a one night stand, he may have been planning never to see her again. Now he's got a lifelong connection - I don't know his age/maturity but that's a big deal for most males.

    He'd never be able to adopt the baby out without her consent, so please put her mind at ease there. That's so ridiculous.

    As far as CS goes, regardless of whether he's on the birth certificate or not, he can be legally made to pay. It would be a sh!t fight though and IMO not worth it. I'd much rather raise the child myself without his money or involvement whatsoever, if his attitude doesn't change in the coming months. I absolutely would NOT be giving the child his surname though, ever!!

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    I would doubt that his parents are lawyers. I don't have any lawyers in my family and I know that it is stupid to put anything like he has in writing. If his parents are lawyers I'm sure they would have drummed it into him from a very young age.

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    Going to the extreme of getting a lawyer and "keeping it in the courts for years" would be both a lot of effort and a huge expense (not to mention the additional effort/cost involved with then putting the child up for adoption if he was successful). If he doesn't want his name on the birth certificate purely to avoid paying child support, it seems silly he would go to the expense of carrying out this threat. I also believe there is no way in the scenario he has put forward that he could have the child adopted out to strangers if it's loving biological mother wanted full custody.

    Further, I really doubt the family court would give this man full custody anyway. They have seen it all before and would probably not be fooled by him (esp with evidence from your friend showing his true intentions).

    It sounds to me like he is just bullying her to get what he wants (i.e no responsibility for the child at all). I can't imagine how awful that must be for your friend. Pregnancy and motherhood can be stressful enough with out being treated liked that. I am pleased your friend has you looking out for her - she will need a lot of emotional support. I also feel really sad for the poor innocent baby, having such a horrible man for its father.

    Having said all that, if the father did seek some sort of visitation/access to the child at any stage, I believe the court would most likely grant him that. Not putting his name on the birth certificate may not prevent that though.

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  9. #18
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    I agree with the other ladies when they say make sure she keeps everything in writing (txt messages, emails etc) and if it were me I wouldn't want the douche bag in my life. The baby (and your friend) are much better off without him. I am not sure what happens if she does/doesn't put his name on the birth certifiacate though, I am sure no courts would just take a baby and adopt it out without the mother agreeing. Hope everything works out for your friend and her beautiful baby.

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    It won't happen. It's virtually impossible to get sole custody anymore, and its harder still to get a court to agree to adoption without BOTH parents consenting, but much easier for a mother to get consent for an adoption without the father's approval than the mothers (or was when I looked into it about 7 years ago, but I doubt things have changed that much). Even under those circumstances, it had to be that the mother was unable to care for the child anymore and the father couldn't be contacted (for reasons that satisfy the court).

    If he tries to get custody, it would be shared custody, and unless there is proof that she is an unfit parent, she will usually have the majority of care unless she gives it up voluntarily to him.

    Your friend won't have any problems with the baby being taken away from her anyway.

    As for the contact.... I agree that he has had a shock, but it gives him no right to intimidate her the way he has. I would advise your friend to not contact him again until after the birth of the baby, and to keep a record of any text messages or phone conversations that he initiates before then.

    For the birth certificate issue, you can't list him on the birth certificate without him signing it, so its not really a valid concern for him in the first place. To the best of my knowledge, the birth certificate details don't matter so much, but it is a requirement for family tax benefit that you go through the process for child support.... if he does not voluntarily admit he is the father, they will require a DNA test and court proceedings, and he will end up having to pay child support anyway. I'm not sure whether this means that the birth certificate gets updated with the father's details or not...

    The other option is to not claim for child support, in which case you only get the minimum amount of family tax.... Its a tough option though. If your friend needs centrelink benefits after bub is born. some people I know that have tried this have ended up getting less than the Newstart payments they were getting while pregnant... so unless your friend has another means of income for when bub is born and after....

    The other way to get around it is very tricky. If she can prove to a social worker (from centrelink) that the guy is emotionally, psychologically or physically abusive (and keeping records of the text messages and getting witnesses for any conversations she has with him will help), then they can give her an exemption for the requirement of claiming child support to receive family tax benefit, but its a difficult process, and you need a LOT of proof. There are no guarantees that they will agree either, so its a matter of getting the right person.

    But whatever happens, there is no way that anyone can take the child away and then adopt the child out. She is completely safe there.

    Hope that helps.

  11. #20
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    Why would he fight for soul custody of a child he obviously doesn't want? Especially since he made it clear he would support a termination. What a douche


 

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