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  1. #1
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    Default What can hubby do to support me in labour?

    Hi all, I'm due with number 2 on 21st jan and I need some tips of how DH can be supportive.

    He will at this stage be the only other person in the room besides midwife - same as last time, but honestly, last time he did NOTHING.

    He sat there watching and chatting to the midwife when and if she came into the room

    I had a natural drug free birth but at a few stages I did ask for pain relief as it was intense, all DH said was 'no you can't have any'

    I'm glad he said no and reminded me of what I wanted for my birth and I managed to do it but he did absolutely ZERO to help me. I had a water birth and a few times during contractions I had to ask him (hardly being able to speak) to rub my back. And at one stage I tried gas and when I wanted it he had it and was either daydreaming or trying it himself

    I've spoken to him about it and said he needs to do a crap load more this time and his response is 'there isn't really anything I can do'

    I've watched so many birthing videos where the husbands are rubbing their wives backs, talking softly to them (maybe telling them how to breathe, or just asking how they are - I don't know as I can't hear them) but ANYTHING would be better than him just sitting there watching.

    My midwife often left the room and left us to our own devices and that's kinda what we wanted but I need DH to do SOMETHING, ANYTHING.

    We paid over $500 last time to do hypno birthing and we didn't even use ANY of the techniques as DH didn't read any of the books and we also didn't 'practice' any of it.

    I'm reading the Hypno birth stuff again and trying to prep myself to use it properly this time, with or without DH's help but I'd prefer he actually helped.

    One of the main things I NEED is to be prompted to breathe this baby out instead of pushing. I told my midwife last time but she basically ignored my requests and kept telling me to push and I ended up with 2nd degree tearing and grazes and took at least 6 months to fully recover down there. I need DH to be able to know when to tell me to breathe instead of push and remind me to relax and be calm etc.

    I have thought of hiring a doula but we cannot afford one, I am not even sure we could afford a student doula

    I have no close friends who I could ask to be a birth support - the one person I would ask is due to give birth in 2 weeks and it will be too much for her with 2 kids and she also lives 2 hr drive away.

    Mum will be here but she won't be much help as her birth (only one with me) was so easy, she gave birth in about 20 mins and didn't even have a single contraction she could feel, so I don't think she could relate properly to what I need.

    Any suggestions?
    TIA
    Last edited by SAgirl; 21-11-2013 at 14:41.

  2. #2
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    Bit of a quandary OP. Obviously you have spoken to hubby? Is he willing to read a book or go to antenatal with you? There's a great group for men called 'beers and bubs' it's like a guys only antenatal class they meet at the lion hotel and my hubby learned ALOT from it on how to be helpful during the whole process. I bought my hubby a great book called "cheers to childbirth" which has been good also. It clearly defines his role as a husband and parent and what he has to do to support you!

    I think your mum will surprise you, mine had 2 emergency c sections with no labour and she has helped many friends through successful labour and birth. I'm due with my first 10 days after you but I couldn't have her there as fantastic as she would be - she annoys the absolute crapper out of me haha!

    Are you going public or private? Is your middy a random on the day or can you choose one you like? Might be worth investigating your options

    Best of luck! Xx

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    So sorry you feel like this op

    My hubby kept "ducking out" to make phone calls while I was in labour with dd1 and dd1- he almost completely missed dd2 being born! Needless to say dd3 he wasn't allowed to leave my side (not that he had time anyway!). But when it came to the crunch he was an amazing support, he kept encouraging me and telling me how proud he was of me.

    If my DH behaved like yours, sorry to say but I would be telling him to either get his **** together or don't be there at all (as in he can wait out side). I'd rather birth alone (with the midwife there) than have someone who was unsupportive. But that's just me.

    It's not easy for them to watch us go through that but they need to be there for us. Maybe sit him down and say it exactly how it is- last time he was more hindrance than help and you expect more this time, and tell him exactly what it is you want from him. Make it clear so he has no excuse.

    Good luck xo


    Me + He =
    DD1, DD2, DD3 & bun in the oven due May 2014

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    Student doulas or midwives do not cost the pregnant/birthing woman any money.

    If your partner doesn't even recognise that he could do more than he did last time, maybe you do need someone else there. Having a known experienced woman to support you has been shown to improve birth experiences and reduce many interventions.

    DO you know what you want him to do? Does he respond better to written information, a video, a chat from a mate, or a class? If you think he is willing, but just clueless, you might need to spell out what you want in a way that he understands.

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    I second student midwife if you can manage to find one!! I had one for my last and she was absolutely amazing.


    Me + He =
    DD1, DD2, DD3 & bun in the oven due May 2014

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    I second the studant midwife they are brilliant. Call some local university's around you or ask at the hospital. She will take a step back give dh a go but if you need them for anything they are right there and very committed as they are learning.

    Sent from my GT-I9505 using The Bub Hub mobile app

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    Even put it on bubhub, I'm sure there's a section for people looking for student midwives (or student midwives looking for patients)...


    Me + He =
    DD1, DD2, DD3 & bun in the oven due May 2014

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    SAgirl  (21-11-2013)

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    Thanks everyone for the replies. Don't get me wrong I think DH does want to help and did want to help with DS's birth, he just had no idea WHAT to do or how to help

    I have contacted one doula and one student doula. The student doula was $325 or so but the money didn't go to her, it went to the Australian doula college. And the qualified doula was charging $1600!!

    I guess that's why I'm posting here, I want to see how other husbands have helped to support their wives in labour?

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    The majority of my labour was active and without pain relief so dp did a lot of massage, holding me up while I had a contraction, got in the shower with me etc, reminded me to drink water, put music on and generally reminded me of things I had wanted to try etc. she was amazing for 24 hrs or so straight. When I had the epidural she just sat with me and talked to me. She was an incredible birth support

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    Quote Originally Posted by SAgirl View Post
    I want to see how other husbands have helped to support their wives in labour?
    DH was my anchor basically. He kept me focused on my breathing and encouraged me to relax my shoulders and have loose lips. I really lost the plot during transition during both my vaginal births but I had him to keep me from losing total control.

    He talked a lot, held my hand - well let me just about rip his arm off, he rubbed my back, came in the shower with me. Held the gas for me for DD's birth and helped me breathe it in more effectively. He just gave me a safe space.

    Have you shown your DH birth vids with men being an active support person?

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    SAgirl  (21-11-2013)


 

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