Sorry its taken me a while to respond, Ive been trying to figure out the PM issue - I cant PM you either...upon further reading I think it might be that I have to have a certain number of posts before I can PM? No idea how many, so sorry about that.
I would love to tell you that all those times there was *one* thing that I kept feeling or having happen that was the same each time and thus I could tell if it was going to fail or not. I couldn't.
There was no twinge, or pain, or cramping or blood that was consistent with the time of failure. I will say (this may sound crazy) but each time within a day or two I had a major stressor happen. For instance one of the times my Brother in law sued us (unbeknownst to me) and I got 'served' papers - it was that very day they measured later on ultrasound the heart stopped beating. If I had one piece of advise, (at least for myself) its to make sure NOTHING stresses me. No crappy relatives phoning up to cause trouble etc. I wont answer the phone!)
For mine, it was always the same - a 'missed' miscarriage, which is where the heartbeat stops but everything else stays the same. Until you go in for an ultrasound, you just don't know anything.
That said, every. single. time. (barring the first when I was blissfully unaware this could happen) I 'felt' like I wasn't going to see a heartbeat at the appointment, I was absolutely sure there was no baby and my thoughts were realised. In retrospect, I think when we are in a situation like this we might subconsciously prepare ourselves, or prepare for the worst? I don't know, I just wonder if my history created that feeling that it would never work out IYKWIM?
Regardless, I don't think I will ever experience another pregnancy where I wont feel that way until I see the 15-16 week mark. Then Ill be anxiety ridden about premature birth and SGA (Small for gestational age) as my son was born at 28 weeks 715 grams!) Are any of us really ever free from the anxiety? I envy those that can see a positive pregnancy test and just feel excitement, I feel instant panic!
I did feel pulling and tugging and a little back cramping early in most of my pregnancies but I believe that was due to implantation and really digging in there because all signs pointed to healthy pregnancies each time - great growth and heart rates, nausea and excellent HCG increases... you know the drill. With APA and any other immune issue it is all so silent!
I will say with your protocol under Dr M you should feel hopeful, I have met with 'experts' and specialists in Colorado, Texas, LA and Sydney and I have never felt as much hope as I feel with this protocol. He specialises in those that are highly specialised patients and that's why Im giving this another go.
I do hope all goes well for you - Im guessing you're about 11 weeks now? In my experience, 12 weeks is the first 'safe' milestone. I had one miscarriage at 13weeks but I was unmedicated for that - not even aspirin or progesterone. I feel like if you get to 12 with this protocol you have a really great shot at this - I will be crossing everything for you - a win for you is also a win for my potential future!
I hope this message was *some* help in easing your anxiety. I truly know what it feels like to feel that anxious and Im sending great big hugs!