Hi, I'm Lee-Anne. I'm a mother to 2 boys, Blake and Xander (12 and 6) and angel baby, Eloise and step mum to Robert (2)
I fell pregnant with Eloise after only trying 2 months. we found out in march of this year that we were going to have a baby, our first together. She was going to make our family complete. From the very beginning my partner told me that we would have a daughter, I would laugh at him because I was so sure that the baby would be another boy. After all, I had 2 and he had 1, he has a brother, I have 2 and I'm the first girl in 8 generations on my dad's side of the family. Odds were stacked against us really. At 7 weeks, I had some bleeding, but the scan showed a beautiful tiny baby, with a very strong heartbeat. Our 12 week scan was uneventful, no problems. At our 20 weeks scan we decided not to find out the sex, making it a surprise. the only problem that showed up at that scan, was a low lying placenta, i would need another scan at 36 weeks to see if it had moved, sadly we never made it that far.
at 27 weeks, I went to the hospital with leaking, they found nothing and checked bubby, everything appeared fine. At 28 weeks, I went to the doctors for swelling and decreased movement, the doctor had a hard time locating the heartbeat so sent me to the hospital, there they found the heart beat but noticed my blood pressure was high, but again assured me everything was fine. at 29 weeks, i went to the midwife clinic, she found the heartbeat, but couldn't tell where my fundus was, told me that it was because i had put on so much weight (just under 10kgs). the Tuesday night after that, the day before i hit the 30week mark, I woke crying to my partner that i had killed our baby. On the Wednesday, I spent most of the morning trying to make baby move, eating, drinking cold stuff, warm baths etc. that afternoon, we picked up my youngest and headed to the hospital. the midwife said she heard the heartbeat but that baby had moved away. so she sent us for a scan, it was during the scan we heard those horrible words "i'm sorry, there's no heart beat." I looked at the guy thinking it was some sick joke, but one look at my partner, crying and I knew it was true. I'm pretty sure i screamed. My son was there in the room, he cried but i'm not sure he understood. the next couple of hours were a daze, we were sent home to get clothes and things, so i could go give birth to my baby. I can remember thinking that i wasn't sure what to take, did i need to take baby things like nappies and wipes? because I was going to have a baby. We went sent to another hospital, 2hrs away. I spent the trip willing the baby to move, proving them wrong, and then thinking that there was a dead person inside me, why didn't my body know?
The hospital we were sent to were wonderful, they checked to make sure that bubs really had gone, to see bubs position (she was breech) and sat with us to explain what would happen. I was to be induced, we would get to spend as much or as little time with bubbby that we wanted and what arrangements needed to be made. Blood tests followed and the first pessary was placed in at 9pm on the 11th september. we were told to prepare ourselves for a long wait, my body was nowhere near ready for birth. I had some pains but it wasn't until the 2nd pessary was put in at 3am that things started to work. by 5am i felt ready to push, so i was taken into the delivery room. My waters broke at 6:50 and I gave birth at 7am on the 12th September, 2013. I was 30weeks annd 1 day. We asked what sex the baby was, we were already crying but on hearing that she was a girl, I'm pretty sure everyone in the labour/delivery area heard our howls. The pain was unbearable. Our beautiful daughter. We named her Eloise Jade. she weighed a tiny 2lb 3 oz and was 36.5cm long. we spent the day with her, holding her, loving her telling her about her family, how much we loved her and how much she would be missed. Leaving her was the hardest thing I've ever done. coming home empty with only a teddy bear to hold was hard as well.
It's now be 9 weeks and 3 days since she was born. We were lucky enough to get some answers as to why we lost her, her umbilical cord was extra long (84cms) and hyper coiled with voids. the placenta had clotted wrong and was maturing at different rates, parts were 28-30 weeks, others much older and one part looked older than 40weeks. it had lesions on it and was generally degrading. So little Eloise wasn't getting what she needed to survive. My body failed her. There's no reason as to why this happened.
I miss her everyday, the pain is still so fresh, i'm strong for my boys and my partner but sometimes it gets too much.
If you've made it to the end of this post, i'm so sorry it's so long. but it's been good to get it all out. It's weird, I was reluctant to buy things during my pregnancy, something i did with reckless abandonment during my pregnancies with my sons. I guess i knew somehow that i would have no need for anything.