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  1. #41
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    Quote Originally Posted by lil miss View Post
    Trying to remember everyone's advice- forgive me if I forget something...

    No we never allow her to babysit dd1 because of these issues and the only time she watches the younger 2 is if I quickly duck to the shop or something (I take dd1 with me). We never have any issues with her and the younger ones- it's only dd1. Early on when she first started living with us, we did let her watch dd1 (again it was only if we were quickly ducking out- if we were going out somewhere we would get my grandad to babysit), and on a few occasions we would come home to dd1 howling because sil had punched/pushed/hit her. When asked why, sil would say "she was doing such and such"... So we would explain that ok, dd1 shouldn't be doing that BUT you are 15 (at the time) and she is 5, you have no right to hurt her. And then we would deal with dd1 and her behaviour.

    She is in counselling etc. We treat her the same as we treat our own children- we have always made it clear to her while she is living under our roof she is seen, to us, as one of our children and such has to follow the rules etc.

    My and I have the same age gap as what's between sil and dd1 and I remember how it was when I was 16 and my sister was 6... Hence why I am quick to pull dd1 up if she is annoying sil (and believe me, it might be something as simple as dd1 asking sil a simple question). Her room is off limits at any time unless she says its ok for the others to be in there (this applies to all bedrooms).

    Just this morning after I posted this, I had to take sil to work and fuel up. When I came out I could hear sil going off at dd1 in the car, telling her to "p!ss off". As soon as she saw me, she stopped and sat quietly. Dd1 had been dancing in her seat and singing. Yet again I pulled her up and said "stop trying to be the parent", and she yelled at me she wasn't. I also told dd1 to stop, not that she was really doing anything wrong.

    Eta- my DH thinks I am a lot softer on sil than I am with our own kids.



    Me + He =
    DD1, DD2, DD3 & bun in the oven due May 2014
    If she is punching, pushing and swearing at your 6 year old, that is not even close to 'parenting' that is abuse. Sorry to call it so harshly, but there needs to be complete zero tolerance for that sort of behavior. I think your first priority here is to keep your 6 year old daughter safe. It is nice you are trying to help your SIL, but she is hitting and punching your 6 year old daughter, and swearing at her aggressively. I would not let someone like that around my child, I don't care what their personal issues are- that's your daughter who is getting beat up by an almost fully grown woman.
    Last edited by FearlessLeader; 17-11-2013 at 15:48.

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  3. #42
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    I haven't read all the posts but I would look into why it makes her angry and get her some help for this

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    Quote Originally Posted by FearlessLeader View Post
    If she is punching, pushing and swearing at your 6 year old, that is not even close to 'parenting' that is abuse. Sorry to call it so harshly, but there needs to be complete zero tolerance for that sort of behavior. I think your first priority here is to keep your 6 year old daughter safe. It is nice you are trying to help your SIL, but she is hitting and punching your 6 year old daughter, and swearing at her aggressively. I would not let someone like that around my child, I don't care what their personal issues are- that's your daughter who is getting beat up by an almost fully grown woman.
    This...might be worth having her speak to somebody that can help give her ways to cope and deal with her anger. It looks like a lot more than just your dd annoying her. She sounds like she's had a hard life and has a lot of anger built up and is taking it out on your 6 year old. The 6 year old might be annoying to her but she needs strategies to deal with it because as you said you wont give up on her and your poor dd shouldnt have to live like that

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    Thank you for all your response.

    On regards to her getting help- she is and has been since the start of the year. She has come so far and we are so very proud of her. She has severe depression and PTSD. She has never accepted professional help until earlier this year when thankfully we managed to find a psychologist who is brilliant with her. She has really come in leaps and bounds. At times she says to me "I don't want to go anymore" and can get quite cranky about it, but I remind her that its not negotiable- as the person who is responsible for her, it's my duty of care to make sure she gets the help she needs. I've told her I don't care if she goes and doesn't speak- the important thing is she goes (and even when she doesn't want to, she does always end up talking which is great). I have also had some sessions with the psychologist, both with sil and on my own, and the psychologist has pointed out that having a stable, loving home and being at the point she is (ie dealing with her past for the first time), has put her back to the emotional state she was in when it happened but the fact she speaks to us now, lets us know she is comfortable and trusts us enough to open up which is HUGE for her. She is slowly getting better, and has a long way to go but the fact she is at the point now where she knows no matter what she does, we aren't giving up is a huge deal. Her mum passed away last month so I am trying to be a bit more gentle in my approach at the moment. She has been making an effort to keep her anger in check (goes into her room, goes for a skate up the road etc)... She is getting better.

    I'm in way concerned about her with our younger 2- she adores them. She adores dd1 but dd1 is also a lot more full on than the others and even we as her parents have to walk away sometimes. They clash a lot, I think because they are so similar. As much as they fight and carry on, they can also be the best of friends (until dd1 does something to annoy sil or vide versa). No different to any other siblings I guess. Thinking back, my sister and I were the same.

    The stepping in, I guess, is more frustrating than concerning. Especially with DH working away. I think in her mind she is probably trying to help, but I struggle to get it through to her that its not her place.

    Thanks again everyone, I really appreciate your input


    Me + He =
    DD1, DD2, DD3 & bun in the oven due May 2014

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    Quote Originally Posted by FearlessLeader View Post
    If she is punching, pushing and swearing at your 6 year old, that is not even close to 'parenting' that is abuse. Sorry to call it so harshly, but there needs to be complete zero tolerance for that sort of behavior. I think your first priority here is to keep your 6 year old daughter safe. It is nice you are trying to help your SIL, but she is hitting and punching your 6 year old daughter, and swearing at her aggressively. I would not let someone like that around my child, I don't care what their personal issues are- that's your daughter who is getting beat up by an almost fully grown woman.
    I agree with this. Her hitting your DD is so unacceptable. FL is right, it's abusive and should not be tolerated under any circumstances.

  7. #46
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    Quote Originally Posted by lil miss View Post
    Thank you for all your response.

    On regards to her getting help- she is and has been since the start of the year. She has come so far and we are so very proud of her. She has severe depression and PTSD. She has never accepted professional help until earlier this year when thankfully we managed to find a psychologist who is brilliant with her. She has really come in leaps and bounds. At times she says to me "I don't want to go anymore" and can get quite cranky about it, but I remind her that its not negotiable- as the person who is responsible for her, it's my duty of care to make sure she gets the help she needs. I've told her I don't care if she goes and doesn't speak- the important thing is she goes (and even when she doesn't want to, she does always end up talking which is great). I have also had some sessions with the psychologist, both with sil and on my own, and the psychologist has pointed out that having a stable, loving home and being at the point she is (ie dealing with her past for the first time), has put her back to the emotional state she was in when it happened but the fact she speaks to us now, lets us know she is comfortable and trusts us enough to open up which is HUGE for her. She is slowly getting better, and has a long way to go but the fact she is at the point now where she knows no matter what she does, we aren't giving up is a huge deal. Her mum passed away last month so I am trying to be a bit more gentle in my approach at the moment. She has been making an effort to keep her anger in check (goes into her room, goes for a skate up the road etc)... She is getting better.

    I'm in way concerned about her with our younger 2- she adores them. She adores dd1 but dd1 is also a lot more full on than the others and even we as her parents have to walk away sometimes. They clash a lot, I think because they are so similar. As much as they fight and carry on, they can also be the best of friends (until dd1 does something to annoy sil or vide versa). No different to any other siblings I guess. Thinking back, my sister and I were the same.

    The stepping in, I guess, is more frustrating than concerning. Especially with DH working away. I think in her mind she is probably trying to help, but I struggle to get it through to her that its not her place.

    Thanks again everyone, I really appreciate your input


    Me + He =
    DD1, DD2, DD3 & bun in the oven due May 2014
    I'm really sorry OP, but I find the fact that you are not concerned about how she treats your DD very concerning! She is NOT a sibling to your DD, and she is 10 years older. As I said before she is practically an adult. To your 6 year old she would certainly seem like an adult. So from your DD's perspective this volatile young woman moves into your home, punches and hits you, verbally abuses you for being a regular 6 year old (and your mum backs her up by telling you off for it too, even though she usually wouldn't therefore validating the behavior) and your mum just thinks it's frustrating and annoying. I'll say it again- she is not parenting your DD, she is abusing her.

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    Quote Originally Posted by FearlessLeader View Post
    I'm really sorry OP, but I find the fact that you are not concerned about how she treats your DD very concerning! She is NOT a sibling to your DD, and she is 10 years older. As I said before she is practically an adult. To your 6 year old she would certainly seem like an adult. So from your DD's perspective this volatile young woman moves into your home, punches and hits you, verbally abuses you for being a regular 6 year old (and your mum backs her up by telling you off for it too, even though she usually wouldn't therefore validating the behavior) and your mum just thinks it's frustrating and annoying. I'll say it again- she is not parenting your DD, she is abusing her.
    Agree again. I also find that she is telling you that your dd1 makes her angry ringing huge alarm bells for me. Huge.

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    It sounds like she's not trying to be the patent but just reacting.

    In the situation she reacts the way she feels at the time. Sounds like she's acting like an older sister. I used to smack and yell at my 7 yr old sister when I was 15 because that's just how I reacted.

    I'd say she needs to be treated like your daughter. But due to her past it needs to be tough love. Restrictions explains what her actions cause and make your dd1 feel.

    But it sounds like your doing as good as you can.

    My parents used to strip my room bare besides my bed and clothes if I didn't listen and follow there rules.



    Asha 26, William 13 months

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    Also could have anger management issues


    Asha 26, William 13 months

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    Last edited by SheWarrior; 17-11-2013 at 18:34.


 

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