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  1. #31
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    I have no advice. But I just wanted to say I really admire you. Your SIL is very lucky and it's obvious how much you care.

    The only thing I can think of is she might need a bit more 'tough love'. I understand you are probably wanting to be gentle with her, given her history, but it might actually help her in the long run.

    Good luck.

  2. #32
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    Oh dear.... After reading the bit about SIL hitting/punching dd1 when you left her in her care, I am wondering why the heck you would let SIL babysit dd2, even if it is to duck to the shops.

    Your priority needs to be protecting your kids from abuse, not pandering to your SIL. If your dd1 hasn't really done anything wrong then don't tell her off. Simple tell SIL that dd1 hasn't done a trying wrong and SIL needs to watch her temper.

    Your hubby needs to take the lead with this. It's his sister. His responsibility. It's up to him to lay down the law. Pull her up every single time she is inappropriate with your kids. Do not get involved in a tit for tat argument with her. Eg
    -SIL yells at dd1
    - you "no yelling"
    - SIL "dd1 was ..."
    -you "NO yelling. That is not negotiable."
    - SIL "but.."
    -you "no". Then if possible remove yourself/dd1 from the situation.

  3. #33
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    Quote Originally Posted by lil miss View Post
    We haven't done this for her "parenting" dd1, but we do have a list of what we expect from her (room to be kept tidy, school work done, what chores she has and when they need to be done etc), and a list if consequences if this isn't followed. It doesn't make a difference. Although today as I said, I am going to be having a long hard think. I have already decided she loses her phone for a week due to some chores not being done. Next thing to go is laptop. DH has tried talking to her as well but gets the same response as me. Wish he was home so he could back me up a bit!!

    When we do the "while you live with us this is how it's going to be", she throws back "I'll move out then". And she means it. She already has spoken to a friend at school who lives in a share house about moving out and thinks she has it all sorted. What's concerning is even though she won't have a leg to stand on, she is so stubborn that she would rather fall on her face than come home.


    Me + He =
    DD1, DD2, DD3 & bun in the oven due May 2014
    Maybe you should let her fall on her face ?

    I know it's not ideal but maybe she has to make some mistakes before she realises how good she has it at your place ?

  4. #34
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    Quote Originally Posted by lil miss View Post
    It's a sad fact we are the only people who haven't given up on her when things got tough- and have no intention on doing so. We have been the only consistent thing in her life.


    Me + He =
    DD1, DD2, DD3 & bun in the oven due May 2014
    There it is. Chances are she's testing you. You know you aren't going anywhere but why should she believe that? I'm sure other guardians have said the same and where are they today? You know what I mean?

    So maybe this is all a coping mechanism for her, she can't let herself actually believe she has a forever family because she's protecting her heart that's likely been hurt many times before. Maybe she's pushing because she's waiting for you to lose it and kick her out. Because she expects it at this point. So definitely follow the advise here re consequences for the behavior towards your DS, ground her, be tough and make life uncomfortable but NEVER give up or even threaten to (I'm sure you wouldn't anyway), in time she will trust you and come good, particularly since you're seeking counselling and trying to help her overcome the past. I think the issue itself just because it's something she knows will push you to the limit, being the DD is of course your most important thing in the world. It's the ultimate test of your commitment to her really. Best of luck xx




    Age 20, engaged, mummy to 3yo DS and TTC his sibling! Living life backwards

  5. The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to Lalasmooch For This Useful Post:

    harvs  (17-11-2013),jb23  (17-11-2013),OurLittleBlessing  (17-11-2013)

  6. #35
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    Give her consequences. Take something off her she values. Take her mobile, or access to the net, or lifts, pocket money.

  7. #36
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    Sorry I should really learn to proofread lol.


    Age 20, engaged, mummy to 3yo DS and TTC his sibling! Living life backwards

  8. #37
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    I have a step-daughter the same. It came to the crunch and we had to ask her to move out. We have 3 little lives that need to be loved and nurtured.


    Dave The Turning Cowboy

    turning wood into art

  9. #38
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    We are still a big part of her life and help wherever we can but the little lives must come first however hard it seems.


    Dave The Turning Cowboy

    turning wood into art

  10. #39
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    [QUOTE=Lalasmooch;7550600]There it is. Chances are she's testing you. You know you aren't going anywhere but why should she believe that? I'm sure other guardians have said the same and where are they today? You know what I mean?

    So maybe this is all a coping mechanism for her, she can't let herself actually believe she has a forever family because she's protecting her heart that's likely been hurt many times before. Maybe she's pushing because she's waiting for you to lose it and kick her out. Because she expects it at this point. So definitely follow the advise here re consequences for the behavior towards your DS, ground her, be tough and make life uncomfortable but NEVER give up or even threaten to (I'm sure you wouldn't anyway), in time she will trust you and come good, particularly since you're seeking counselling and trying to help her overcome the past. I think the issue itself just because it's something she knows will push you to the limit, being the DD is of course your most important thing in the world. It's the ultimate test of your commitment to her really. Best of luck xx


    I agree with this 100%

    I have been that 16 year old who felt like I had nobody and didn't trust anyone would care enough to stick by me. When finally someone was there for me I tested the hell out of them. They were extremely patient with me but set very firm boundaries and if I crossed them there were consequences and they followed through. I hated it at the time (especially after being able to do what I wanted most of my life) but also knew they were doing it because they cared and were trying to do their best by me. Eventually I realized they were not giving up on me and things got alot better. But it did take time.

    My advice is make sure you SIL knows that she is loved and valued as part of your family but start giving her very clear rules for what is expected of her and be consistent with the consequences if she does not do what is expected of her.
    Do not let her manipulate you with the threat of her moving out. You cannot not discipline her because of such a threat. If she wanted to do that she probably would have by now.

    Anyway I hope things at home settle down for you soon. I just know how having that 1 person who never gave up on me changed everything for me and I hope it is the same for your SIL as it sounds like she has had it tough up until know. Good luck.

  11. #40
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    I haven't gone on to read all the posts but I do also think that many 16 year olds can be like this. Maybe not as aggressive though. My SIL has a 16 year old and a 6 year old an apparently they fight heaps and the 16 year old has no patience for the 6 year old. She's telling him off quite a bit for parenting her when it's not his role.

    Sent from my GT-I9505 using The Bub Hub mobile app
    Last edited by CleverClogs; 17-11-2013 at 15:51.


 

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